All posts tagged sex

The One When My Friend Thought I Had an STD

So as all of the internet knows, I had a doctor’s appointment Monday.  I also had a training at work which I had to leave to go to my doctor’s appointment.  I was in a panic and stressed about returning to the meeting let before I even left so I was good and anxious when the doctor sat down in front of me.  He asked about my health history and if there were any particular reason I had come to see him.

I explained the situation and must have seemed even more tightly wound than I felt because he asked me several time if I was being treated for anxiety or depression.  I assured him it was definitely more anxiety but both.  I told what I was taking and how much.  He started me on a lower dose because apparently starting up on my dose after a two month hiatus could make me pretty sick. But… I did get my prescription and follow up appointment.

pillsLike I’ve said here and in a piece I recently wrote for Black Box Warnings, I don’t really talk about my issues or medication with anyone.  I feel like people make basic assumptions about people who are treated for emotional problems and I manage myself just fine.  I am just as capable if not more capable than most of the people I know.  Only handful of my friends know I am on medication and most of them found out in a roundabout way.  I didn’t just dome out and offer up that information.  Actually, the last couple of guys I dated never knew either and I practically lived with one of them.  He knew I was taking something every day.  He didn’t ask what and I never felt inclined to offer up that information.

This caused a pretty interesting and somewhat insulting misunderstanding for me yesterday.  I’ve been staying with a friend who lives a neighboring town (where I’ve picked up some extra hours at another library branch) who I have been staying with on the days I work there.  I have known her for thirty-three years and until yesterday she did know I was taking anything.

condomShe drove me to the doctor’s and picked me up afterwards.  I just told her I had an appointment I couldn’t miss it.  I also told her, a week or so ago, about my most recent ex and his recent discovery that he had gotten a treatable STD from some skank he dated briefly.  (And he wonders why I always insisted on condoms).

Now he dated this woman two months ago.  The last time I saw him was July.  All she heard was he has cooties and I urgently needed to go to the doctor.  A+(selective hearing)B= My best friend had cooties.

I was totally unaware of her assumption.  I went to the doctor. They phoned in my prescription. I made it back to work before our lunch break was over. When II got off of work I hopped on a bus, picked up my prescription and went back to her place.

stdLater that night when she got off work she asked me about my day and if I had picked up my prescription. I told her I had and then she (kinda’ smugly) asked, “How long do you have to take them?” I thought it was odd she would ask me until I realized she thought I had gone because I had contracted (apparently through long distance osmosis) what ailed my ex.  I looked at her for a long minute and answered, “For the rest of my life…” “Ooooh, it’s one of those” she said as though something had clicked.

I assumed she knew what I was talking about but today on my way home it occurred to me she probably thinks I have herpes . Fuck! She totally thinks I have herpes.  So…

To my oldest friend in the world,

I don’t have herpes.  I don’t have any sexually transmitted diseases and I never have.  I am really big on safety. I can’t get something from someone who contracted something long after we stopped having sex.

xoxo

The Narcissist

 

16 Comments
by trjensen on May 22, 2013  •  Permalink
Posted in Dating, Life, Me, Relationship, Sex
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Posted by trjensen on May 22, 2013

http://narcissistsblog.com/2013/05/22/the-one-when-my-friend-thought-i-had-an-std/

25 Things about Me: This is 40 Edition

In honor of my 40th birthday, which is today,  I decided to do an updated “Things about Me” post (ever evolving and growing as I am). So… I would like to briefly interrupt my continued posts, Sexting for Dummies (It’ll be back Monday) and share where my head is on this, my milestone birthday.Invite Cover

  1. I am completely cool and comfortable with the fact that I am now 40.
  2. My son assured me I wouldn’t be old until I was 45.
  3. My ex told me I wouldn’t be old until I was 50.
  4. I have always felt like I was 24.
  5. I rather be told I am funny or smart than I am pretty.  (I love being told I am pretty too, though).
  6. I still like younger men.
  7. I want a dog.
  8. Do 120+ crunches every day.
  9. I run three miles and walk at least three.
  10. I try to do yoga every day.
  11. I’ve started eating meat occasionally.
  12. If I stay here I may be single forever.
  13. I haven’t had sex in 10 months.
  14. I really miss Portland.
  15. I am looking for my own place.  A real place.
  16. I love my job but I need more hours.
  17. I would really like to start dating again but I haven’t met one viable candidate.
  18. I had pregnancy scare last September.
  19. I have no desire to have another child.
  20. A 73 year old patron at my work has a crush on me.
  21. That grosses me out.
  22. I’ve decided I really don’t like the last two guys I dated.
  23. I love making people laugh.
  24. I need a vacation.
  25. I haven’t peaked yet.

Bonus Fact!!!! I have guest post up over at Black Box Warnings today! You should go check it out, too.

8 Comments
by trjensen on May 10, 2013  •  Permalink
Posted in Dating, Life, Me, Sex
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Posted by trjensen on May 10, 2013

http://narcissistsblog.com/2013/05/10/25-things-about-me-this-is-40-edition/

One Woman’s Theory

In a recent post I discussed dealing with your partners’ exes.  Although I don’t advocate engaging women who have issue with you just because you have a bed mate in common it did cause me to ponder why some women have such a hard time with their exes moving on.

buI can’t say that I have dealt with every breakup I have ever had very well.  I have to, varying degrees, suffered through some pretty painful splits.  The most painful are always the ones you didn’t see coming.  Like most people, when the decision to end a relationship rests in the hands of someone else I typically have a harder time dealing with it.  Those breakups are always the most painful.  The few months that follow tend to be pretty difficult.

bu1I have never, as an adult, never attacked the women who filled the vacancy my absence left in an exes’ life.  I have been hurt and sometimes lashed out against my former partner.  Typically this has more to do with my ego and personal disappointment than any real pain my former partner’s new relationship has caused me.  If I haven’t resolved my feelings I can be an asshole.  I try not to be but sometimes my emotions get the better of me.

What I have never done,(okay maybe I did once but that is for another post) is intentionally engage or antagonize anyone currently involved in any ex-lovers’ life.  Even if it did hurt me or I was curious I refuse to let anyone who isn’t relevant to my present or future, make me sweat (or show my ass).   Dwelling on any pain or anxiety you may feel is just counter-productive to actually moving forward.  I have never seen the benefit of prolonging my misery.

bu2That being said, I can understand how someone who has unresolved questions or feelings about relationship that didn’t end as a result of mutual agreement could want to lash out.  Those feelings of anger or hurt may seem to be more effective when directed at an ex’s new partner.  They may be more vulnerable to manipulation. Your partner clearly doesn’t care.  They ended the relationship, they have a wall up.  They may be perceived as immune to your pain or attempts to cause them misery.  They don’t care but that doesn’t mean you can’t hurt them or make things more difficult by attacking and potentially driving away someone else in their life.

bu3Although these irrational attacks on “the other woman” may seem to be born of pure jealousy maybe sometimes they are just a more desperate attempt to hurt their ex-lover by making their new relationship more difficult.  They are attempting to manipulate someone who may not be impervious to their attacks.  It is still stupid.  It is still ineffective to attack someone who has nothing to do with why you are unhappy and suffering. That seems like it may be the real reason many exes misdirect their unhappiness.

It is better to just work through the pain you are feeling so you can move forward.  It is difficult to understand why so many people in failed relationships fight so hard to hold on to their misery.  If someone doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you they are doing you a favor.  They knew something wasn’t right and they freed you to find something that was right.  If you take the time to see that, you can move forward with an understanding that you have an opportunity to find something better.  Be thankful they realized something you hadn’t or weren’t willing to acknowledge.

It is normal to feel the pain associated with having a void in your life.  Rather than focusing on that emptiness be grateful you were given an opportunity to find someone more suited to fill it.

17 Comments
by trjensen on March 10, 2013  •  Permalink
Posted in Dating, Life, Me, Relationship
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Posted by trjensen on March 10, 2013

http://narcissistsblog.com/2013/03/10/one-womans-theory/

Typecasting

Not too long ago I was asked if I felt like I have been typecast as a sex/relationship blogger and how I felt about it.  I absolutely loved that question and I wanted to take the time to answer it.  I get a lot of questions about sex, casual dating and relationships.  I love having people reach out to me and ask me for advice and/or guidance.  It feels good to know that regardless of the subject matter some of what I write has an impact.  It is an important part of what fuels me and keeps me writing.

sexThe topics I get the most meaningful and relatable interactions from are the pieces I do on relationships and dating.  My most popular pieces and most commented on pieces, if you peep my stats, are the pieces I have written about casual sex.  If you look at the response I received for a collective six or seven pieces it looks like I am one of the cool kids.  I enjoy writing about sex.  Those posts are easier for me to write than many of my other topics.

cuddlesI have written several independent pieces on dating and relationships that have been published on other sites.  I also have a monthly column for an online magazine that has been incredibly supportive of my racier work.  I have covered a wide variety of topics on my blog.  I have written pieces about contemporary issues, abuse and spirituality.  I really cover, I think, a broad spectrum of topics.

relationship difficultiesMost of my favorite pieces aren’t about sex at all.  I guess most of the work I am proudest of and have inspired the most meaningful dialogs are my posts about relationships.  I feel like I am somewhat of an expert on what not to do.  I enjoy the way my readers and fellow bloggers relate to and share those posts.  That portion of what I write has afforded me some amazing exposure in other areas of media. Those pieces often come from some difficult and emotionally painful life lessons.  I am typically not in a happy place when I write a lot of them and often in working through those turbulent emotional times I reach some basic understanding about how I, we connect with others.

aloneI have struggled with depression and anxiety for most of my life.  That can make dating difficult but I have learned to cope with it.  I have learned to find the positive in negative experiences and it is gratifying to know that that benefits not only me but those who read the material.  The work I am most proud of and that has helped me gain a following has truly come from a dark place I struggle to control.  Essentially I have to indulge all of that anxiety and hurt.  I have to swim in around the darkness to find the solution. Those pieces that stemmed from pain are some of the most important things I have written.

The posts everyone can relate to are the posts that require I focus on emotions I have struggled to manage all of my life.  Writing about relationships helps me cope with the additional strain disappointment adds to my sometimes thread bare emotional state.  Indulging my darkness to help others makes everything worth it.  I started writing because I felt I had something significant to say.  It keeps me on my toes.  It reminds me how strong people are and that the difficult times in my life have an important purpose, that there are benefits.

hmmI love being asked about relationships, dating and even sex.  I am proud of my writing and if there is an area where I can be of use to someone then I am more than happy to do it.  I think that what is important about that particular typecasting is that I know what I am talking about.  I can relate it to my experiences and that people want to hear what I have to say.

I started this blog because I wanted to contribute and help others through my experiences and my personal growth.  I feel like I am doing that and I am so grateful that people appreciate it.

 

9 Comments
by trjensen on March 8, 2013  •  Permalink
Posted in Dating, Life, Me, Relationship, Sex
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Posted by trjensen on March 8, 2013

http://narcissistsblog.com/2013/03/08/typecasting/

Rubber Neckin’

This inspired me to share a story

tfln

A long, long time ago a man I was dating asked me to respond to a message from his ex on Facebook.  I had logged on to his Facebook account to change his profile picture while we sat on my couch.  While I was doing so his messenger popped up. It was his ex so he asked me to tell her he was unavailable.

His Ex: Hi!!!!

Me: This isn’t J***.  He can’t talk right now.

His Ex: Oh! Who is this?

Okay so clearly I had a choice at this point.  I could have just ignored her or closed messenger or I could do what I did, which was… be a complete asshole and tell her exactly who she was talking to.  This girl hated me. She hated me with a passion and in my opinion she had absolutely no reason to.  She had also been quite vocal about it to anyone who would listen for quite some time.

Me: This is Teri.

His Ex:  You stole my boyfriend you bitch.  Why would I want to talk to you?

Me: I was just letting you know, at J***’s request, that he isn’t able to talk right now.  I don’t want to be having this conversation anymore than you do.

His Ex: Fuck you! You stole my man.  You are such a whore!

A few short moments later the guy I was dating’s cell phone rang. I logged him off of my computer and asked if it was her.  He nodded as he hit the talk button.  “Tell your whore…” “…want to talk to that cunt,” I heard her screaming. He just hung up.  He apologized to me. “It doesn’t bother me,” I smiled and shrugged.  “Were you two dating when we met?” I asked. It wasn’t the first time it had come up. “Teri, we broke up two weeks before I met you.” he answered.  “I don’t really care. I just wondered,” I said. “She is crazy,” he added. “Clearly.”

I genuinely didn’t care.  I had met the man six months earlier, one night at a bar.  He approached me.  He flirted with me.  He was there with friends.  We sat and talked.  We wound up making out.  He called me the next day and wanted to do something again that weekend.  His relationship status never occurred to me.  I didn’t think anything would come of our night but six months later I was sitting on my couch with his arm around me watching movies.  I was fine with how we met and didn’t care about who had been in his arms before I was.

The ex was another story.  They had dated for three months and when they broke up she had a hard time letting go.  The night we met, she showed up at his friends’ bar hopping birthday celebration about half an hour before.  He told her to go home because he was just trying to have fun with his friends.  Thirty minutes later I was in the picture.  That weekend while I was at his place meeting some of his friends and having a few drinks, his ex texted him asking what he was doing.  He said he was hanging out with some friends and the girl he had just started dating.  Every cell phone in the group started vibrating.  She was texting everyone, trying to find out who I was and what I looked like.  I even posed for a picture so one of their mutual friends could send it to her.  While all this data was being thrown back and forth, two things happened.  Everyone decided that I was awesome and “the ex” decided she hated me.

She would tell anyone who listened that I stole her man.  I was a bitch.  I was a boyfriend stealer.  I was a whore.  The truth is none of that matters.  She was too busy blaming me for what happened to realize that even if they were together he didn’t have much respect for her. He was interested in me from the moment we met.  He was so engaged it never occurred to me that he may even have a girlfriend.  She hated me for taking something that didn’t belong to her.  He didn’t even belong to me.  People aren’t possessions.  He made a decision.  I made a decision.  Rather than be pissed at the person who was involved in her pain, she chose to hate me.  We never met but she will probably blame me for whatever pain she felt forever.

I can’t imagine holding on to that kind of animosity for six months after a relationship ended.  To me that is just nuts.  And if you are going to be pissed at someone maybe it should be the one you are emotionally tied to and not a complete stranger.  When it comes to jealousy and misplaced anger, I could not care less.

Exes shouldn’t really factor in to a new relationship. They were never part of your life and have no in your relationship with anyone.  Some relationships don’t work.  Women should spend more time focused on the future instead of constantly looking back.  That shit is just a pain in the neck.

21 Comments
by trjensen on March 6, 2013  •  Permalink
Posted in Dating, Life, Me, Relationship, Sex
Tagged , , , , , , ,

Posted by trjensen on March 6, 2013

http://narcissistsblog.com/2013/03/06/rubber-neckin/

20 (or so) Questions

I’ve been tagged by SINGLEWRITERMOMRANTS, to answer a list of questions kind of like the slam books you filled out in high school. Scanning the questions made me smile and I got pretty excited about filling it out.

SINGLEWRITERMOMRANTS is one of my new favorite blogs.  I love her blog.  She has a fantastic sense of humor and I often find myself relating to her on about a million different levels.

So get comfy, sit back and enjoy as I answer questions about my favorite person, ME!

WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
I was born in Apple Valley, CA, hometown of Oscar winner Cuba Gooding Jr. I grew up in Barstow, CA about thirty minutes away.Barstow

WERE YOU NAMED AFTER SOMEONE?
My name was supposed to be Thea (pronounced Tay-Uh) Raylene after my mother’s two best friends from high school but after I was born, before the birth certificate was signed, my grandmother managed to convince my mother no one would spell Thea correctly so she named me Teri.  The irony is that no one spells my name correctly still.  I don’t know if the name meant something to her or not.

IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN, HOW MANY DO YOU HAVE?
I have one boy who is now an adult.  One child for a single mom is more than enough.

HOW MANY PETS DO YOU HAVE?
I have a cat.  Surprise, surprise, I know! My son named her Buddha and she is absolutely gorgeous.  She is six years old.room10

YOUR WORST INJURY?
My appendix burst when I was twenty-three and almost killed me because I didn’t go to the hospital until the next day.  I thought I had food poisoning from sushi I had eaten that day.  I was in ICU for a week and the hospital for a total of ten days.icu

DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
Umm… I am full of random and seemingly useless knowledge.  I can also remember large sequences of numbers.

WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE THING TO BAKE?
I love to go online and find cookie and cake recipes all the time.  The problem with that is I never make the same thing more than once because I never bookmark the recipes.  I also make some mean enchiladas.bakery

FAVORITE FAST FOOD?
I am going to sound like a pretentious ass but I try not to eat fast food.  It is absolutely no good for me. But when I have had too much to drink I crave Jack-in-the-Crack (Jack-in-the-Box) tacos.jack

WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
I really don’t know if I would.  I am terrified of heights but I actually think if I were going to do it I would be more inclined to do it now.  Would I jump out of a plane? Fuck no!bungee

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
I admit I am a vapid asshole and that is the best response you’ll get.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
I cried while I was watching Beasts of the Southern Wild.  I was beyond wasted and cried and cried while watched it.  It would have made me cry anyway but in my drunken stupor I just sobbed.beasts

ANY CURRENT WORRIES?
I really don’t have any serious concerns.  I just got a call about chaperoning my niece’s senior trip to Europe and I have never been.  All I have to do is get a passport and save spending money.  Other than that I can honestly say I don’t have any worries.trip4

NAME 3 DRINKS THAT YOU DRINK REGULARLY
Water, juice and more water.  I also like vodka.water

WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE BOOK?
I love A Brave New World.  I really do and it never ceases to relevant.  The last book I read that I hated… The Girl She Used to Be.  The further I got I began to think the two main characters really won’t going to fuck and became increasingly pissed off.  The end had me wanting to chuck the book at the girl who recommended it.  I am reading the sequel now.Books 1

WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE A PIRATE?
Pirates are dirty. I like to bathe. My hygiene means more to me than booty. (And that means something coming from me.)bathtub

FAVORITE SMELLS?
Garlic, bacon, cinnamon rolls and a man fresh out of the shower.shower

WHY DO YOU BLOG?
I blog because if I don’t write it is quite possible I will go crazy.  I have always written and my blog is just an extension of who I am.writing

WHAT SONG DO YOU WANT PLAYED AT YOUR FUNERAL?
I once told one of my closest friends I wanted to have a goldfish funeral.  I was only half kidding.  The idea of my nearest and dearest standing in and around a toilet attempting flush my ashes down a toilet only to have the toilet back up amuses the shit out of me.  Then of course someone would have to explain the whole situation to the plumber. And I am fully aware I didn’t list a song.toilet

WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
I love myself but I can be pretty judgmental on occasion. I do a much better job but I may still need a douche jar.

FAVORITE HOBBY?
I love photography. I have never taken a class but I just love taking pictures.camera

WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A FRIEND?
I try to surround myself with people who overcome their circumstances, always want to be better and do what they say they will.phoenix

NAME SOMETHING YOU’VE DONE THAT YOU NEVER THOUGHT YOU’D DO
Three years ago I made a list about three pages long of things I wanted to work on within myself.  During my transformation I lost over sixty pounds, completely changed my lifestyle and started blogging.list

FAVORITE FUN THINGS TO DO
I love, love, love to shop.  Orgasms. I love to get dressed up for no reason. Orgasms. I love Disney World.  Orgasms. I love waking up the morning after a new blog post and read all my readers’ comments and… Orgasms.disney

ANY PET PEEVES?
I have so many pet peeves and I have documented them in many other posts. The answer would be a whole blog post of its own. I guess my biggest pet peeve is people who don’t assume accountability for themselves.

WHAT’S THE LAST THING THAT MADE YOU LAUGH?
I wrote a post earlier today and I came across this vintage Valentine’s Day Card.  It cracked me up.  It was shocking and too fucking funny.Monkey_Valentine

And now I am going to tag some blogger’s to answer the questions themselves.

Seattlepolychick

Cakes McCain

AllAboutLemon

The Wandering Mind

BossyMoksie

8 Comments
by trjensen on February 14, 2013  •  Permalink
Posted in Life, Me, Relationship, Sex
Tagged , , , , , ,

Posted by trjensen on February 14, 2013

http://narcissistsblog.com/2013/02/14/20-or-so-questions/

War Wounds

With Valentine’s Day rapidly approaching I guess it is time for a not so romantic sex story.  I had a fellow blogger ask me to talk about my worst sexual experience. I still stand by my psychopath story but last summer I had an… ummm… injury somewhere no girl ever wants to have an injury.

summerLast summer, as many of you know, I made one final attempt to make things work with “Guy with the Smile.” Like the P¡nk song goes “White knuckles and sweaty palms from hanging on too tight…” C’est la vie!  However, there is one thing I could say about him, giving credit where credit is due.  He was amazingly fun in the sack.  We had a great time when it came to sex and both had insatiable libidos.  In that respect we were perfect for each other.  I cared about him for far more important reasons but sex with him was FUN! Just one of the many perks of dating the same man for a year I suppose.

bj1One night early in his visit, we sat down with a friend, played games, listened to music and polished off a half gallon of vodka.  We stumbled home a short time after and started messing around.  Sex was off the table because we were both beyond wasted but we still got naked and did everything but.  I straddled him with my girl bits in his face a started giving him head.  Rather than making our endeavor a true 69 he started fingering me fast and hard with one hand and rubbing my clit with the other.  He was actually pressing into me so hard that I had to stop sucking his dick and set myself to keep from falling face first into the mattress.

After several minutes of this I felt myself tightening up, dropped my hips closer to his chest and came.  Fluid ran down his hand and dripped off his fingers.  He is never really sure how he feels about my squirting but in this instance he seemed pretty proud of himself.  I climbed off of him and grabbed him a towel and plopped down next to him in the bed, my hand slowly stroking him as we leisurely kissed and chatted until his eyes got heavy. He rolled on his side, pulled me against him and quickly fell into slumber.

The next morning I got up and headed to the bathroom.  As I started to pee I felt an excruciating stinging sensation that stopped my flow instantly. I again started to pee only to feel the surge of pain once more.  I cannot begin to accurately describe how much pain I was in. I gingerly dabbed toilet paper at my vagina to dry myself which also hurt like hell.  “WTF?” I mumbled to myself.  I stood up and dug through my makeup bag to find my compact. I opened the little mirror and began scanning for what I assumed was a small tear somewhere. What I found was actually gave me a minor anxiety attack.

ouchJust below my clit was a deep scratch about half an inch long.  GwtS had actually gouged a piece of skin from one of the most sensitive areas of my pussy.  “Fucking vodka,” I mumbled as touched around the area and winced.  Stood back up to find the pain had not subsided.  I went back to bed and pulled back the sheets to find a sizeable blood stain.  “Awesome!” I exclaimed in disgust.  GwtS lifted his head and smiled at me. I glared at him. “Come here,” he said pulling backing into bed, completely oblivious to the fact that I was hurt, pissed and wanted to punch him it face.

As I snuggled back into bed he pressed himself into me, thrusting gently against my ass.  “I am tired,” I whined. Undeterred, he reached around and started rubbing the inside of my upper thigh working closer and closer to the sweet spot.  I quickly swung my legs to the edge of the bed and grabbed a pair of lounge pants. “Are you mad at me?” he asked. “No,” I lied. “My stomach is upset and I am going to see if Jan and Jim have anything.” “I’ll come with you,” he said.  I got up and walked to Jan and Jim’s.

I was sort of worried and I needed to ask someone what I should do.  Jan my second mother was not the person I wanted to ask any more than she wanted to hear about my escapades from the evening before.  That was one of the most awkward conversations I have ever had.  She suggested I wait it out.  I was in a significant amount of pain and after denying sex to the man I typically had sex with three or four times a day for two days straight he demanded I tell him what was wrong.  We have always been open about sex because we enjoyed each other so much so I told about my poor pussy boo boo.  He laughed but was truly apologetic for hurting me and I still didn’t have sex with him for two more days.  I suspect that is why he extended his visit by a week.

With the exception of having an episiotomy that is the single most painful thing I have ever had happen to my poor girl parts.  It hurt to pee and walk for almost a week. GwtS  clipped his nails the day I told him and made sure to point that out to me several times over the next few days. Every time he mentioned it Jan would give me this weird look and I would just burst out laughing.

16 Comments
by trjensen on February 5, 2013  •  Permalink
Posted in Dating, Me, Relationship, Sex
Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Posted by trjensen on February 5, 2013

http://narcissistsblog.com/2013/02/05/war-wounds/

Relationship Writer Problems

coupleOne night while cuddling with my ex on the couch watching a movie, he leaned down and whispered, “Let’s have a threesome..” “No,” I responded without even glancing at him. He unwrapped his arms from around me and sat up. “Why not?” he whined. He sat and straightened myself.  I looked at him for a long moment trying to find a way to make him understand.  For one thing, though I adored him and very much enjoyed having sex with him, I didn’t think he had it in him to manage two women at once.  But the real reason I would never invite another woman into bed with us was simple. I had no intention of falling for the man I was now arguing with but my feelings for him had grown. “It would hurt me to watch you have sex with another woman,” I finally answered him.  “You’ve done it before,” he persisted.  “I wasn’t in a relationship and I couldn’t watch fuck someone else!” my voiced raised and became sterner.  “You like me’” he smiled at me and pulled me to him again.  It wasn’t the last time I’d have that conversation with him or other men I dated.

Since I have reentered the dating world, I have found dating to be somewhat challenging. I have learned to be cautious about how and who I date. As woman who writes about dating and sex, not only personally but professionally, it is difficult to find potential dates that don’t have some preconceived notion about who I am, what I want and how I date. I have had men approach me about dating simply because of my body of work. I have had men cancel dates because of my writing and some men have completely disregarded anything I have expressed in a relationship due to their perceived understanding of my experiences. All of this has resulted in some very interesting dating experiences that have benefited me greatly but often present some interesting stumbling blocks when I start wanting something more serious.

I have gone on dates solely for writing inspiration but typically that isn’t the reason I date. I love the stories and lessons that come from my experiences dating and in relationships but ultimately I date for the same reason everyone else does. I crave companionship though duration may vary. Ultimately I want something committed with some longevity.

skeletons closetHonesty is an important aspect of developing any relationship so I am fairly forth coming about what I do and what I write about. As anyone who has read my blog can tell you, I am pretty open anyway but I feel it is important to be honest and unapologetic about the events that have shaped who you are as a person. Early on I learned that it was better that I kept the information about my writing as simple as I could without being dishonest. If someone asked for details I’d provide them with as much information as was requested but dating with the bulk of my sexual history on the internet for everyone to read is challenging enough without my directing every man I date to my blog.

When I find myself dating someone whom I really like and who feels the same way they typically don’t read much of my work. I have also dated men who have read my blog or found some of my articles online. They will ask me about a certain experience or activity and attempt to pressure me into doing it again. I feel a bit like Alyssa Jones in Chasing Amy. My reputation precedes me and though I have done something, often for the sake of the experience, I have no intention of doing it again nor is it an activity I would participate in, in a relationship.

Dating is difficult. Because of some of my writing it makes dating more complicated. My past is my past and when dating someone I like I feel like I may be building a future. I want new experiences and new opportunities. I don’t want to reenact the past. I want something fresh to look forward to.

What are some of your experiences with assumptions and dating?

15 Comments
by trjensen on January 31, 2013  •  Permalink
Posted in Dating, Life, Me, Relationship, Sex
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Posted by trjensen on January 31, 2013

http://narcissistsblog.com/2013/01/31/relationship-writer-problems/

Random Bits of (Very Unnecessary) Information

Random Bits of (Very Unnecessary) Information

One day, while at work, I was sitting at my desk checking in books when a man about my age came in with his three year old son.  He spoke to me for several minutes.  He asked a little about how I came to live in this small community, how I enjoyed it and what I did for fun.  They were general feeler questions that I didn’t mind answering because I like feeling like men are interested in me.  I sometimes fear I may just be slipping into the dating abyss and become completely invisible to men.  It seems dumb but I feel sorta’ shut off when it comes to men.  I am still not my witty, charming, dynamic self.

He sat down in the children’s section with his son and I could hear him reading to the boy. I have always appreciated, as a single parent, the effort put forward by other single parents to engage their children.  I spent many a long day, in the library with my son, reading and talking about books. It is nice to see parents doing productive things with their children.  I always felt it was important.

200356450-001After a while, he made his way back to my desk.  He explained that he had custody of his son and that he only planned on being in the area for a short period of time.  I really wasn’t interested in him but I didn’t mind chatting.  His son called him back over to the books. He had selected another book to read.  His dad ushered him toward to table that sat adjacent to my desk.  As he was reading to his son, they got to a line in the book. “The dinosaur brushed his teeth.” He then added, “That is something daddy always forgets to do.”

grossed-out-faceSometimes the things people say astonish me.  Why would you spend twenty minutes chatting a girl up then make a comment about your poor personal hygiene in front of her?  That is just gross.  I spent the duration of his stay in the library marveling at his lack of common sense.  When they settled on some books they stepped over to my desk. As I checked them out he smiled at me and said he hoped that he would see me again soon.  I gave him a quick smile and they left. “I hope not,” I mumbled as they exited.

It seems this would go without saying but here goes… If you are trying to get a feel for someone you think might be interested in you don’t say things, in their presence that’ll totally gross them out. Don’t offer information they don’t need.  It is gross that you don’t brush your teeth but to announce it is just stupid.

ConfusedI have a blogger friend who asked why the girl he was dating needed at least an hour to get ready for anal sex. I was dumbfounded.  I wasn’t confused that she might need some prep time.  I can think of several reasons that might be.  I was appalled that she told a guy she was casually dating she needed prep time.  I don’t understand why she thought it needed to be said at all.  Why does your date need to know you need to “prep” for sex.  If you’ve discussed sleeping together then all your partner needs to know is that you consent to said sex.  He doesn’t need to know you have to give yourself an enema (For Fuck’s Sake!) or that you need time to get things loosened up. (WTF!)

When it comes to dating, less information really is the best policy.  If you have a communicable disease you should be honest… You should just be honest but don’t tell people things that will gross them out. You shouldn’t tell people things that aren’t necessary or that will make them wonder what you are up to. Keep things simple and fun.

25 Comments
by trjensen on January 14, 2013  •  Permalink
Posted in Dating, Me, Relationship, Sex
Tagged , , , , , , ,

Posted by trjensen on January 14, 2013

http://narcissistsblog.com/2013/01/14/random-bits-of-very-unnecessary-information/

Sexuality

I don’t talk a lot about my writing process or how I decide what to write about.  I do two things.  I create lists, generally comprised of single words or excerpts from something I want to address.  I save the lists to my laptop.  I also have a list on my phone.  In addition to the list I have a folder filled with word documents with a title and often a sentence or single paragraph.  Some of the documents have been on my computer for over a year but I find it helps me remember where my head was when I came up with the idea to write about a given topic.  I have so much I want to write about but often when I am telling a story as opposed to tackling a topic on the list, I find the list and prompts just sit waiting until I find something relative to an experience.  This blog is, after all, about me and if I can’t relate it back to my life I typically just tuck it away in a folder until I can tie myself to the subject.  Have I mentioned I am self-involved?

“Bicurious” is one of the items that has been on my “Writing Ideas” list forever.  I get asked a lot about my sexuality and I don’t mind.  I am a pretty forthcoming gal and I enjoy talking about myself.  I think asking someone to define their sexuality is an odd thing to do.  I don’t like labeling other peoples choices that way.  There are so many options when it comes to sexuality.  It isn’t really a matter of gay, bi or hetero.  Sexuality is more like a scale and with so many proclivities on that scale you couldn’t begin to calculate the distance between the one point and another.

girlsOne of the most common questions I get asked as sex and relationship writer is, “Do you have sex with women?” I have had sex with women but I don’t consider myself bisexual.  By literal definition I suppose I am bisexual but I don’t feel that I am.  I have a preference and that preference is a male sexual and romantic partner.  I find myself attracted to women and I have had sex with women but I have never connected with a woman romantically as I do men.  Homosexual encounters have always stemmed from something carnal.  I may engage a woman but once that experience is over, it is over.  I have no desire to have a relationship with another woman.  I have had sex with women for physical pleasure but don’t connect with them on a deeper level.

MenIf I were in a situation where I had to choose between having sex with a man or woman I would likely choose the man.  I have had sex with both men and women together but I would still prefer sex with one or the other and not both together.  I am selfish and greedy and I enjoy being the sole beneficiary of any physical pleasure to be had.  I am not good at sharing.

I have friends who date men and women.  Some know that ultimately the will develop a relationship with someone of the opposite sex and others that know they’ll choose a life partner of the same sex.  Still they date who they date and labeling their sexuality doesn’t define who they are.  Often they have difficulty defining themselves.

“You see if you ask me we’re heterosexual by default, not by decision. It’s just a question of who you fancy. It’s all about aesthetics and it’s fuck all to do with morality.”  Renton, Trainspotting 1996.

man girlSome people will argue that anatomy decides how we should behave sexually but as is evident throughout history that isn’t the case.  We are drawn to and attracted to who we are and it has nothing to do with design.  It has nothing to do with how society categorizes us or how we think we should behave.  We are who we are and labeling each other or ourselves doesn’t define us. We need to stop fixating on how to categorize each other and focus on embracing ourselves and each other for who we are.

gay

2 Comments
by trjensen on January 10, 2013  •  Permalink
Posted in Dating, Me, Relationship, Sex
Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Posted by trjensen on January 10, 2013

http://narcissistsblog.com/2013/01/10/sexuality/

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