I don’t talk a lot about my writing process or how I decide what to write about. I do two things. I create lists, generally comprised of single words or excerpts from something I want to address. I save the lists to my laptop. I also have a list on my phone. In addition to the list I have a folder filled with word documents with a title and often a sentence or single paragraph. Some of the documents have been on my computer for over a year but I find it helps me remember where my head was when I came up with the idea to write about a given topic. I have so much I want to write about but often when I am telling a story as opposed to tackling a topic on the list, I find the list and prompts just sit waiting until I find something relative to an experience. This blog is, after all, about me and if I can’t relate it back to my life I typically just tuck it away in a folder until I can tie myself to the subject. Have I mentioned I am self-involved?
“Bicurious” is one of the items that has been on my “Writing Ideas” list forever. I get asked a lot about my sexuality and I don’t mind. I am a pretty forthcoming gal and I enjoy talking about myself. I think asking someone to define their sexuality is an odd thing to do. I don’t like labeling other peoples choices that way. There are so many options when it comes to sexuality. It isn’t really a matter of gay, bi or hetero. Sexuality is more like a scale and with so many proclivities on that scale you couldn’t begin to calculate the distance between the one point and another.
One of the most common questions I get asked as sex and relationship writer is, “Do you have sex with women?” I have had sex with women but I don’t consider myself bisexual. By literal definition I suppose I am bisexual but I don’t feel that I am. I have a preference and that preference is a male sexual and romantic partner. I find myself attracted to women and I have had sex with women but I have never connected with a woman romantically as I do men. Homosexual encounters have always stemmed from something carnal. I may engage a woman but once that experience is over, it is over. I have no desire to have a relationship with another woman. I have had sex with women for physical pleasure but don’t connect with them on a deeper level.
If I were in a situation where I had to choose between having sex with a man or woman I would likely choose the man. I have had sex with both men and women together but I would still prefer sex with one or the other and not both together. I am selfish and greedy and I enjoy being the sole beneficiary of any physical pleasure to be had. I am not good at sharing.
I have friends who date men and women. Some know that ultimately the will develop a relationship with someone of the opposite sex and others that know they’ll choose a life partner of the same sex. Still they date who they date and labeling their sexuality doesn’t define who they are. Often they have difficulty defining themselves.
“You see if you ask me we’re heterosexual by default, not by decision. It’s just a question of who you fancy. It’s all about aesthetics and it’s fuck all to do with morality.” Renton, Trainspotting 1996.
Some people will argue that anatomy decides how we should behave sexually but as is evident throughout history that isn’t the case. We are drawn to and attracted to who we are and it has nothing to do with design. It has nothing to do with how society categorizes us or how we think we should behave. We are who we are and labeling each other or ourselves doesn’t define us. We need to stop fixating on how to categorize each other and focus on embracing ourselves and each other for who we are.
Posted by trjensen on January 10, 2013
I have a lot of male friends. Male friends are the men in my life that I do not want to have sex with, decided I wouldn’t have sex with or already had sex with and don’t want to have sex with anymore. I don’t really believe people who are attracted to each other can be friends. Some of you will argue with me about this but that is how I function.
The only men I am really friends with are the ones I have no interest in romantically. I can honestly say the idea of having sex with the guys I have solid friendships with makes me a little queasy. I have lots of attractive friends but for whatever reason I decided there was no way in in hell I was ever gonna’ let you see me naked. I have never changed my mind and decided that I did, in fact want to have sex with one of my guy friends.
If I meet a man and I am interested in him then we could never really be friends because the truth is I probably spend a lot of time thinking about him naked. If I want to see him naked then I am not going to open up to him the way I would someone who I considered a friend. I want something from him that I don’t want from a platonic relationship, (not penis… okay… well I want that too) a deep emotional and physical connection.
Most of my guy friends understand that I would never nor do I ever want anything other than a platonic relationship and they are okay with that. If they aren’t okay with a friendship they typically go away. I understand. If I wanted something more with than friendship with a guy and he told me it was never going to happen then I wouldn’t stick around. I have never stayed friends with a guy who I wanted to date who said he just wanted us to be friends. I just don’t do that.
I know within about two minutes of meeting a guy if I would ever have sex with him. Sometimes I think I would sleep with someone then change my mind but I have never decided to have sex with someone when my first inclination was that I wouldn’t. My male friends and I have way closer relationships than I do with some of the guys I have dated. I want them in my life. They offer a perspective my female friends and guys I have dated cannot. They are an important part of my life. I get along well with guys platonically.
I know that many of the guys I call friends are interested in me romantically but they have graciously accepted that being in my life in some capacity is better than us not knowing each other. That is big deal to me. It is something I am unwilling to do so I have a great deal of respect for the men in my life that are there simply because they enjoy the pleasure of my company. Now… if I could only find a guy I want have sex with that has the same mindset. (…You know what I mean!)
Posted by trjensen on April 14, 2012
I have never really celebrated Valentine’s Day. It never really bothered me because I hadn’t dated for so long and I had no interest in doing so. V-day was just another day. I had occassionally exchanged silly little gifts with some of my single female friends but I have never gone out to dinner, received flowers or did any of the other things folks typically do. I didn’t hate Valentine’s Day but I didn’t really care about it either.
This year I secretly hoped I would have a date for Valentine’s Day. I wanted to go have dinner then do some other romantic thing on the 14th. I don’t think that is going to happen. Tuesday I went to see PB. He still wasn’t feeling good and he had mentioned a few times that he would like to see me. When we got together things where… awkward. We didn’t really talk and he just seemed really reserved. It was quiet to the point that I was uncomfortable. I would talk to him and he didn’t really respond more than to acknowledge that he was aware that I was still speaking and he just didn’t seem like he knew what to do now that I was at his place. I left Wednesday morning feeling very confused. I felt like he really didn’t want me there. I know he didn’t feel good and I tried to remind myself that that probably had a lot to do with the prior nights weirdness.
This weekend he said he planned on staying home and made no indication that he wanted to see me and when I suggested it he said he would probably justhide out for a while. I am a little sad. I hope that when he feels better I will hear from him but I have a sneaking suspicion that I may not. I hope I am wrong but in either case I don’t think I will be hearing from him until after V-day. I guess I won’t get to do anything for Valentine’s Day after all. Oh well! It has always been just another day to me. I guess it will be this year too.
Posted by trjensen on February 11, 2012
When I was in high school I spent most of my time hanging out with guys. I just had more male friends. Aside from my best friend all through high school, Briana, most of my close friends were dudes. I wasn’t really romantically involved with any of them because I was afraid of guys. I was always just one of the boys. They always regarded as just that girl who always hung out.
They never really minded me hanging out with them because I swore a lot, took their razzing fairly well by all accounts and I had pretty hot female friends that they would occasionally hook up with. I never really minded the teasing and for all intents and purposes didn’t mind them sleeping with my friends. I wasn’t even considered a viable dating option. I was furniture. If I dated it wasn’t in my immediate circle of friends and they seldom got involved in my romantic life unless something was wrong.
The men I hung out with were, for all intents and purposes, viewed as bad kids. I grew up around gang bangers and thugs. It is an issue that effects who I am attracted to to this very day. To me these men were my friends. They were never cruel to me and I knew I was always safe when I was with them. It did, however, change people’s perception of me. Many people who did not know me assumed that I was likely sleeping with several if not all of these men.
Hanging out with a group of men rather than your female peers can severely warp the way you view yourself and your role in a male/female relationship, I always liked being one of the boys. I wasn’t as enthralled or consumed by sex as many of my peers seemed to be and in the presence of my male friends I really wasn’t a sexual being. I was not someone any of them was interested in that way.
They seldom had serious girlfriends and most were more than content to have sex casually with whoever was willing and available. I was neither and they all acknowledged that. I knew then that I did not want to be one of those girls. I never really was. I had begun to regard those women the same way my male friends did. Girls came and girls went. I had my own views of what role women filled for men and I had no interest in it.
Eventually, several years after I graduated and moved away from the small town I grew up in my sexuality caught up with me and I spent several years wandering in and out of men’s lives with no real objective, as I assumed was what was expected of me. I went from “one of the guys” to a “serial fuck buddy.” As I became older and my desire to emotionally connect with a man became more prominent I found myself struggling to change this behavior. I am still learning how to approach a romantic relationship.
Though being one of the guys does have its perks (like three to six scary big brothers,) it does warp the way you view your role and the role of women in young men’s lives. But I do miss my friends and hanging out with men in a capacity I found completely comfortable. I just want something different now. I don’t want to be one of the boys or act like one of them. I am a woman dammit!
Posted by trjensen on July 6, 2011