To say I am in pretty dark place these days would be an understatement. Although I have accepted that letting everything fall apart, every time I think I can start reassembling, something else comes apart. The mess is getting bigger and it seems that my life isn’t really ready to be reassembled because things are really not done falling apart.
Any little thing that can go wrong has and continues to do so. All of this has left feeling anxious and on edge. I am literally watching the sky fall and I feel helpless to stop it. Saying goodbye to my friends wasn’t as difficult as I thought it would be because not many showed up to say goodbye.
I know why that happened. I get it. I think that it has become apparent to everyone that I am coming unraveled and the moments I seem to be holding it together are brief and very rare these days. The truth is for the first time in a long time I genuinely don’t like myself and I resent anyone else telling me they do like me. I am so locked out of my emotional self that the only thing I do feels is rage and I am directing it at myself and anyone who dare counters what I am feeling about myself.
I am closed off because I need to be. I need to process what is happening and I have reverted into myself. I am waiting for the dust to settle and it doesn’t seem like that is going to happen for a while. It seems that for right now at least, I am the poster child for Murphy’s Law. (My son is staying in Portland and this will be the first time we have lived away from each other for any significant period of time. One of my kitties got outside and I haven’t seen him in two days. I feel sick over the idea of leaving him and I move on Friday. Of course it is my ex’s childhood cat and I don’t know how to tell him.) I feel so overwhelmed that I don’t have anything left to give. I am spent, emotionally, financially and physically.
Right now I am in a place where I can’t deal with me. A man I care for and haven’t seen in a while has been trying to get me to see him before I go. Normally I would jump at the chance but right now I am just so full of self-loathing that I can’t even comprehend letting myself be distracted from that. I know things will get better but for now I really need to bottle everything up and just do what has to be done because right now that is all I’ve got.
*But if you could all send positive thoughts about my kitty that would be great because I have to admit that not having him come home would be truly devastating to me. I cry about that dumb cat. I am sure I am projecting a bunch of silly emotions into his absence but I love him and I really miss him. I need him to come home.