All posts tagged partner

One Woman’s Theory

In a recent post I discussed dealing with your partners’ exes.  Although I don’t advocate engaging women who have issue with you just because you have a bed mate in common it did cause me to ponder why some women have such a hard time with their exes moving on.

buI can’t say that I have dealt with every breakup I have ever had very well.  I have to, varying degrees, suffered through some pretty painful splits.  The most painful are always the ones you didn’t see coming.  Like most people, when the decision to end a relationship rests in the hands of someone else I typically have a harder time dealing with it.  Those breakups are always the most painful.  The few months that follow tend to be pretty difficult.

bu1I have never, as an adult, never attacked the women who filled the vacancy my absence left in an exes’ life.  I have been hurt and sometimes lashed out against my former partner.  Typically this has more to do with my ego and personal disappointment than any real pain my former partner’s new relationship has caused me.  If I haven’t resolved my feelings I can be an asshole.  I try not to be but sometimes my emotions get the better of me.

What I have never done,(okay maybe I did once but that is for another post) is intentionally engage or antagonize anyone currently involved in any ex-lovers’ life.  Even if it did hurt me or I was curious I refuse to let anyone who isn’t relevant to my present or future, make me sweat (or show my ass).   Dwelling on any pain or anxiety you may feel is just counter-productive to actually moving forward.  I have never seen the benefit of prolonging my misery.

bu2That being said, I can understand how someone who has unresolved questions or feelings about relationship that didn’t end as a result of mutual agreement could want to lash out.  Those feelings of anger or hurt may seem to be more effective when directed at an ex’s new partner.  They may be more vulnerable to manipulation. Your partner clearly doesn’t care.  They ended the relationship, they have a wall up.  They may be perceived as immune to your pain or attempts to cause them misery.  They don’t care but that doesn’t mean you can’t hurt them or make things more difficult by attacking and potentially driving away someone else in their life.

bu3Although these irrational attacks on “the other woman” may seem to be born of pure jealousy maybe sometimes they are just a more desperate attempt to hurt their ex-lover by making their new relationship more difficult.  They are attempting to manipulate someone who may not be impervious to their attacks.  It is still stupid.  It is still ineffective to attack someone who has nothing to do with why you are unhappy and suffering. That seems like it may be the real reason many exes misdirect their unhappiness.

It is better to just work through the pain you are feeling so you can move forward.  It is difficult to understand why so many people in failed relationships fight so hard to hold on to their misery.  If someone doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you they are doing you a favor.  They knew something wasn’t right and they freed you to find something that was right.  If you take the time to see that, you can move forward with an understanding that you have an opportunity to find something better.  Be thankful they realized something you hadn’t or weren’t willing to acknowledge.

It is normal to feel the pain associated with having a void in your life.  Rather than focusing on that emptiness be grateful you were given an opportunity to find someone more suited to fill it.

17 Comments
by trjensen on March 10, 2013  •  Permalink
Posted in Dating, Life, Me, Relationship
Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Posted by trjensen on March 10, 2013

http://narcissistsblog.com/2013/03/10/one-womans-theory/

Sexuality

I don’t talk a lot about my writing process or how I decide what to write about.  I do two things.  I create lists, generally comprised of single words or excerpts from something I want to address.  I save the lists to my laptop.  I also have a list on my phone.  In addition to the list I have a folder filled with word documents with a title and often a sentence or single paragraph.  Some of the documents have been on my computer for over a year but I find it helps me remember where my head was when I came up with the idea to write about a given topic.  I have so much I want to write about but often when I am telling a story as opposed to tackling a topic on the list, I find the list and prompts just sit waiting until I find something relative to an experience.  This blog is, after all, about me and if I can’t relate it back to my life I typically just tuck it away in a folder until I can tie myself to the subject.  Have I mentioned I am self-involved?

“Bicurious” is one of the items that has been on my “Writing Ideas” list forever.  I get asked a lot about my sexuality and I don’t mind.  I am a pretty forthcoming gal and I enjoy talking about myself.  I think asking someone to define their sexuality is an odd thing to do.  I don’t like labeling other peoples choices that way.  There are so many options when it comes to sexuality.  It isn’t really a matter of gay, bi or hetero.  Sexuality is more like a scale and with so many proclivities on that scale you couldn’t begin to calculate the distance between the one point and another.

girlsOne of the most common questions I get asked as sex and relationship writer is, “Do you have sex with women?” I have had sex with women but I don’t consider myself bisexual.  By literal definition I suppose I am bisexual but I don’t feel that I am.  I have a preference and that preference is a male sexual and romantic partner.  I find myself attracted to women and I have had sex with women but I have never connected with a woman romantically as I do men.  Homosexual encounters have always stemmed from something carnal.  I may engage a woman but once that experience is over, it is over.  I have no desire to have a relationship with another woman.  I have had sex with women for physical pleasure but don’t connect with them on a deeper level.

MenIf I were in a situation where I had to choose between having sex with a man or woman I would likely choose the man.  I have had sex with both men and women together but I would still prefer sex with one or the other and not both together.  I am selfish and greedy and I enjoy being the sole beneficiary of any physical pleasure to be had.  I am not good at sharing.

I have friends who date men and women.  Some know that ultimately the will develop a relationship with someone of the opposite sex and others that know they’ll choose a life partner of the same sex.  Still they date who they date and labeling their sexuality doesn’t define who they are.  Often they have difficulty defining themselves.

“You see if you ask me we’re heterosexual by default, not by decision. It’s just a question of who you fancy. It’s all about aesthetics and it’s fuck all to do with morality.”  Renton, Trainspotting 1996.

man girlSome people will argue that anatomy decides how we should behave sexually but as is evident throughout history that isn’t the case.  We are drawn to and attracted to who we are and it has nothing to do with design.  It has nothing to do with how society categorizes us or how we think we should behave.  We are who we are and labeling each other or ourselves doesn’t define us. We need to stop fixating on how to categorize each other and focus on embracing ourselves and each other for who we are.

gay

2 Comments
by trjensen on January 10, 2013  •  Permalink
Posted in Dating, Me, Relationship, Sex
Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Posted by trjensen on January 10, 2013

http://narcissistsblog.com/2013/01/10/sexuality/

What’s Best for Baby

I have spent a lot of time talking about dating and single motherhood.  I couldn’t seem to make dating and raising my son work out so shortly before my son turned five I stopped dating.  I had had a hard time with men for various reasons and it became apparent that the emotional toll these failed relationships took on me affected my ability to interact with and provide for my son.  My attention was divided.  I was dealing with emotional pain in my romantic life while trying to love and emotionally support my child.  That is very difficult to do.  I needed to focus on him and I couldn’t do that with all of the pitfalls of dating.  His needs were more important.  His emotional health meant too much to me to allow choices in my personal life to hurt him.  What I don’t talk a lot about are those women who are in a relationship at the time of conception.

Not all single mothers start out that way.  Some women who get pregnant have a boyfriend.  Things may have been going well in your relationship or there may have been trouble way before you got pregnant.   You can be certain of one thing, regardless of your relationship status; regardless of the health of your relationship… shit is going to change.  A baby changes everything.  You could have a good relationship that may add a lot of pressure that either or both parents aren’t ready for.  It can change how you view or feel about each other.  It can strengthen or diminish your relationship.

If you, your partner or both of you are unhappy and you are having a baby together, how you two feel about each other doesn’t really matter.  What does matter is that that negative energy is going to affect your child.  Once that baby takes its first breath he/she is the most important thing in your lives.  If you don’t like each other, are hurting each other (emotionally or physically) or just aren’t sure how you feel, now is the time to figure that out.

I say this a lot because I know how a parent’s emotional state can affect their ability to raise and provide for a child. I have experienced the effects of emotional strain between parents and struggled to manage my own troubled relationships and single motherhood. Because I knew the effects of strained romantic relationships, I opted to raise my son alone.  If you are having trouble in your relationship, that affects your child.  If you are distraught or hurt, that affects your child.  Stress is part of life.  When things get difficult and impact you negatively or disrupt your emotional well-being, it becomes incredibly hard for you to focus and take care of your child.

Staying in a relationship that is hurting one or both parents isn’t good for a child because it inhibits how you feel and how you interact with them.   If you aren’t sure how you feel about each other or are confused about where you stand with your partner that diminishes a child’s sense of stability.  Anything that distracts from the most important part of your life, your child, is something that needs to be rectified as soon as possible.

Two people who are in a troubled relationship staying together for the sake of their child is often the wrong choice.  A child’s emotional well-being is influenced by the emotional health of those around them.  If you are preoccupied, hurt or fighting, you aren’t giving your child the attention and support they need.  Even if you don’t agree or get along with each other you certainly do not want to hurt your child.   If your relationship isn’t healthy then your collective approach to childrearing will be affected.

When you have a child and your partner wants to take an active role in that child’s upbringing that is a good thing.  That doesn’t mean you have to raise that child together.  A child would certainly benefit more from having two parents, who aren’t together but are both focused and dedicated to doing what is best for their child than two parents who stay together and are preoccupied by the issues between them.

12 Comments
by trjensen on September 25, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Dating, Relationship, Sex
Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Posted by trjensen on September 25, 2012

http://narcissistsblog.com/2012/09/25/whats-best-for-baby/

Casual Sex: Sex without Connection

I talk a lot about casual sex because casual sex is amazing.  I truly believe casual sex can be a beneficial part of feeling empowered.  Controlling your emotions in intimate situations can be of great benefit to you in many aspects of your life.  Over the course of my series on casual sex I have had women express to me that casual sex left them feeling empty, used or ashamed.

First let make it clear, I don’t have sex with anyone I don’t feel some sort of connection with.  If I don’t feel something drawing me to a partner then I am not going to have sex with them.  It is just that simple.  I have only been in a casual sex situation twice in the past few years when I felt like I didn’t connect with my partner at all.  That made feel a little “bleh” about the experience and the guy.

Do you want to know why this happened?  Why I suspect women feel empty or ashamed after casual sex?  The reason I felt uncertain and a little uneasy about the entire experience was because I wasn’t sure I wanted to sleep with those men in the first place.

If you aren’t sure that you want to have sex with someone then don’t have sex with them.  I don’t care if you went home with the guy and now you are feeling a little more uncertain; if you aren’t comfortable or positive then tell the dude you don’t want to have sex.  Your vagina is attached to you.  You need to be picky about who you are going to let stick their tongues, fingers, fists and or dicks inside your pussy.  She is your friend and she deserves the best you can provide her.

When you aren’t certain you want to be intimate with someone and you aren’t really feeling what you are supposed to before sex then don’t have sex because odds are that you aren’t going to be feeling too great about what happened if you weren’t sure you wanted to be intimate to begin with.   If you are having casual sex then you should be sure you are okay with what you are doing and who you are doing it with.

Even in casual situations I always feel a very real intimate connection with my partner.  I have always had some positive emotional connection with the men I have sex with.  When I talk about the power of casual sex I am talking about controlling your emotional self.  It is an exercise in emotional control but you should always feel something when you are having sex. You are literally connected to another person.  If you are coming up blank then even I don’t see the point of fucking.

If you aren’t feeling connected to your partner, even casual ones, then something is up.  You should be sleeping with partners who make you feel something.  Like I’ve said before… I always feel a connection when I have sex and when the X-rated part has ended so does the connection.  I don’t want to have sex without some level of intimate connection because if I did, I probably wouldn’t feel good about the experience and  I’d probably feel bad about myself.

I have sex because I am meeting some important needs.  It satisfies my desire for physical affection, intimacy and emotional connection.  Whether or not the sex is casual I always feel those things because if I didn’t… I wouldn’t do it.

16 Comments
by trjensen on June 20, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Dating, Me, Sex
Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Posted by trjensen on June 20, 2012

http://narcissistsblog.com/2012/06/20/casual-sex-sex-without-connection/

It Ain’t Workin’

My whole approach to dating since I have decided I am somewhat ready for a full blown relationship has been pretty simple.   I tend to be attracted to men who have a glaring void in some aspect of their lives.  It doesn’t necessarily imply they have drama, they are just missing something and I feel like I can occupy that space.

This is just part of who I am.  I want to take care of people and if I see some area where I can help I am typically going to try to do so.  The catch is, as I am learning, not everyone wants or needs help and taking care of, even if I notice something seems to be missing.  Actually someone coming into your life and trying to address certain issues can be quite annoying and intrusive.  It can also be something someone appreciates initially and takes for granted as a relationship progresses.

I have been trying to occupy a place in someone’s life because I see a place I fit rather than working on the dynamic of myself and my partner as a couple and letting my partner determine where and how I fit into his life.  I can’t decide that I want to be in someone’s life in a certain capacity and only build a relationship based solely off that aspect of a man’s life.

If someone doesn’t ask you for help you need to wait until they are willing to accept it.  Maybe that isn’t why they are interested in you at all.  By overstepping your boundaries you are far more likely to push someone away.  I need to focus less on where I can help and more on how I fit in to someone’s life.  Just filling a void doesn’t make an instant relationship, even when it is accepted.  Working together creates a relationship.

I don’t need to know how and where I fit in when I start to date someone because even if I do meet a specific need everything changes as a couple bonds. I just need to appreciate that someone enjoys spending time with me as much as I enjoy spending time with him.

 

7 Comments
by trjensen on June 15, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Dating, Life, Me, Relationship
Tagged , , , , , , ,

Posted by trjensen on June 15, 2012

http://narcissistsblog.com/2012/06/15/it-aint-workin/

No Really… You Broke Your Own Heart

We have all felt it…  something ends and we feel like we are left to pick up the pieces.  We feel wounded/hurt/ broken hearted.  These are emotions that often cause us to feel victimized by a person or experience.   We fall in love with someone and then it all falls apart.   We often have a valid reason for feeling wronged by another party but the truth of the matter is that ultimately we are not guiltless.

When you are in a relationship (and when I say relationship I mean any interaction with another person because you do have a relationship with everyone in your life) you are there because you decided that you wanted to be there.  You made a conscious decision to associate with every person in your life for better or worse.  As some of these relationships become more intimate you find yourself making some serious decisions.  You are investing more in your interactions with a given person.  To do this several things need to be present, trust, respect and security.

When one or more of these important elements of a real relationship aren’t present and you decide to proceed anyway you are putting your happiness and your emotional well-being at risk.  No one can make the choice to proceed for you.  You and you alone decided that one of these important key elements to a strong relationship wasn’t necessary.  You decided that your relationship could work without it.

So when you come to the realization that it in fact could not… who is really to blame for the days, weeks, months of emotional pain you’ll have to work through to move forward?  If your partner has lied and you’ve let it go you decided that trust was something your relationship could survive without.  If your partner disregarded your feeling during an argument; told you were over-reacting and you shook it off; you decided respect was something that wasn’t key to your relationship.

There are always these seemingly minor occurrences that happened in your relationship that you ignored or disregarded.  These little things are indicators of issues that can become major problems further down the line.  When this willingness to overlook does become a much bigger issue and you start to feel hurt by the lack of trust/respect/security, you really need to consider who is truly at fault.

By overlooking your partners unwillingness to give you what is at the core of every relationship you are teaching him/her how to treat you.  You are telling him/her that his/her behavior is acceptable because you didn’t do what you should have when you realized that something was wrong.  You didn’t speak up. You didn’t leave.  You are showing your partner that you don’t truly believe you are worthy.  You are letting him/her know that you are willing to deal with (if only temporarily because these relationships will end) less than what is necessary to sustain a relationship. Actions speak louder than words.  We have all had someone tell us they love us but then do or say something that was juxtaposed to that sentiment.

If you stay in a relationship that isn’t giving you what you need, what you have to have to be in a relationship then you are truly responsible for your pain.  You decided that some mistreatment was acceptable and that you truly don’t believe that you deserve even the basic requirements of a healthy relationship.

I don’t mean to imply that any of this excuses someone treating you poorly.  Anyone you treat well should have the decency to reciprocate.  But if you decide that isn’t necessarily needed then you are really the reason you are hurt.  You can’t expect someone to treat you better than you treat yourself.

19 Comments
by trjensen on June 10, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Dating, Life, Me, Relationship, Sex
Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Posted by trjensen on June 10, 2012

http://narcissistsblog.com/2012/06/10/no-really-you-broke-your-own-heart/

Why Women Hate Me (The Grass is always Greener…)

I have had my fair share of female drama over the last year and a half.  Most recently with a neighbor who felt like I was trying to take men from her.  Needless to say she hates me.  I don’t care that she hates me and that makes her hate me more.   I didn’t date for a very long time.  When I began to change things about myself and started losing weight, men started paying attention to me or at least I noticed they were.

I was infatuated with a guy I dated off and on so the male attention was nice but I never really saw it as anything more than ego boost.  I barely acknowledged it.   I liked flirting from across the room and having casual conversations with men I knew were attracted to me but I was really not interested in anything more than that.

Many of my female acquaintances seemed to harbor some silent anger toward me.  I was the butt of their jokes.  I was called a hoe, self-absorbed and many of the women I knew would remind me that not long before no guy seemed to know I existed.  I was dating someone and never engaged any of the men who bought me drinks or paid me a compliment with anything more than casual conversation.  I still managed to be labeled a whore.

When things fell apart with the guy I had been dating and I felt like I was ready to try and date, my mind was in a strange place.  I was still angry and hurt about the way I was treated by the guy I had been dating and I knew I needed to work on ensuring that didn’t happen again.  I needed to have better control over my emotions.  I needed to learn to guard myself against premature emotional connections.  I did it in an unconventional way.

I realized that I didn’t really have to try to get men’s attention.  I know I was a little slow coming to this realization but I was on a learning curve.  I could go out with friends and barely acknowledge a guy I found attractive.  We would make eye contact, he would come to where my friends and I were sitting and I would barely engage him.  He would talk to my friends; I would comment occasionally, accept a drink from someone else or even leave the table to talk to another person.  But at the end of the night, nine times out of ten, I was the girl whose number he asked for.

So for several months, I dated men casually.  I seldom felt attached.   I was just having fun and learning to better protect my heart.  I was learning to separate attraction from genuine connection, to alter the irrational idea that if a man slept with you he must really like you.  As I became comfortable with my understanding of what I felt and how I could control how much emotion I put into it, I began to look for something more substantial again.

Again the women in my life seemed annoyed.  I had been promiscuous and seldom serious about dating.  It was easy not to take me seriously.  The teasing and judgment was the same. No one was really supportive.  I had again reached the point where I wanted something more.  I wanted something longer term and committed.  I began dating with something more serious in mind.

To my friends, my behavior hadn’t seemed to of changed.  So when I settled on one man, they all seemed surprised.  I liked him and I really had no desire to see anyone else, so I didn’t.  After a few months things fell apart with him and he was simply lumped in with all the guys I had blown through (no pun intended) over the past few months.  The only difference was that I was genuinely hurt.  No one really seemed to care.  When I finally started dating someone else it became  a running joke amongst my friends.  After a string of failed attempts at potential long term partners I was teased about my inability to commit and about how often I changed partners.  To them, my behavior still seemed very promiscuous.

I paid them no mind and continued to date in the hope that I would find someone I really connected with.  I really wanted a relationship and I had to date to find a partner.  As some of my friends began realizing I was serious.  That I was really looking for something more significant they seemed confused.  Many encouraged me to casually date and others admitted they had been envious of adventures.  These women, who had been so mean and judgmental, wanted my life?  My friends in relationships wanted my life and I wanted what they had.  Many tried to convince me that what they had wasn’t so hot.  I tried to explain to them that dating just to date wasn’t always as fun as it seemed.

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.  I really want a relationship and I took the hard road trying to find one and mean while all my “coupled” friends were living vicariously through my adventures.   I really do want just one.  I guess I am still entertainment and the women who envy me are content to see me as a slut.

Yes, attractive men like me. Yes, I have had a lot of partners.  And yes, I do date a lot but I am also really lonely.  Women hate me because as many have admitted, they wish they were doing what I was.  Shit!  I just want a boyfriend.

 

 

 

26 Comments
by trjensen on February 13, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Dating, Life, Me, Sex
Tagged , , , , , , ,

Posted by trjensen on February 13, 2012

http://narcissistsblog.com/2012/02/13/why-women-hate-me-the-grass-is-always-greener/

Let’s Talk About Numbers

I have written about this topic before, The Magic Number.  I am neither proud nor ashamed of the number of men I have slept with.  It does however bother me that anyone would ask me just how many men that is, outside my close circle of friends.*  I figure that if you are in a relationship or starting one with someone that that is what is important, you and your partner.  Let’s live in the now, shall we?

I don’t care how many women a man has slept with or even why he did, I care that he was safe and clean, but the actual number is unimportant.  I have had men ask me my number and I always answer the question truthfully because I pride myself on how open I am.  I also love the, often, surprised look on their faces when I answer the question.  I love watching them take my answer in and their shock at the readiness with which I respond.  In most instances I feel that if they are going to base the longevity of our relationship on my past then we might as well get it out of the way early on and if they cannot deal  then it is best I find out sooner rather than later.

But really, why do men even want to know?  If you are concerned about who is more experienced, being intimate will likely answer any questions you might have.  I find that in most instances it is more about ego.  I don’t care about ego.  If I want to be with a man then I want to be with him.  I have even found in situations where the sex was lacking, I could still have a pretty solid relationship.  There is always the potential for improvement.  Sex is the best when you care about each other’s needs and are willing to take the time explore what appeals to both parties.  Truly fulfilling sex takes time and a willingness to learn what your partner needs.  No amount of partners is going to teach what an individual wants.

Numbers don’t mean much to me.  I hate being asked.  How is my past relevant to my present?  I am in a place in my life where I just want one.  I want one for a good long time but sometimes things don’t work out the way we want and I may just increase my number. It doesn’t bother me.  I am looking for someone to share my life with and that means a few more notches in my bedpost.  If that means I have more experience then any sane guy should appreciate that as much as a woman appreciates a man who is fantastic in bed.

I always liken inquiring about one’s number to slut shaming.  Like my number of partners says something terrible about me rather than what it means to me.  My number means that I have been looking for someone amazing for a while, who could be amazing in many aspects of my life and I just haven’t found him yet.  That is what my number means.  It doesn’t make me feel like I am a slut or that I am too promiscuous.  What it means is that I am still looking and trying to find the right man for me.

And I do like sex.  I especially like sex with when I see the potential for something more and if I see it then the last thing you should be doing is asking me how many partners I have had.  You should be making sure I don’t kill bunnies or I don’t hate babies. You should be inquiring about my plans for the future; you most certainly shouldn’t be worrying about who I was sleeping with before I found you.

*One of my friends asks me about my number based on the idea that once you have had twenty partners you will never get married a la the movie “What’s Your Number?”  She always asks me,”How many guys until you are never getting married?” I think it is hilarious!

43 Comments
by trjensen on January 26, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Dating, Me, Relationship, Sex
Tagged , , , , , , ,

Posted by trjensen on January 26, 2012

http://narcissistsblog.com/2012/01/26/lets-talk-about-numbers/

Why Are You Still Single?

“Why are you still single?”  Many of the guys I entertain the idea of dating ask me that.  My answer is always the same.  “I don’t know.”  Maybe I waited too long to have what would really be a starter relationship.  Maybe I am too emotionally damaged.  Maybe I just try too hard adding additional pressure to a situation without knowing I am doing it.

Last year I started talking to a guy I went to high school with and he asked me that question as we started flirting during a Facebook chat session.  “I really don’t get it.  You are a cool chick.  Why don’t you have a boyfriend?”  I assured I didn’t really get why it seemed impossible for me to lock someone down.  We continued chatting over the course of the next few days until on the fourth day he said, “I know why you aren’t in a relationship.”  I asked him why he thought that was and he answered simply, “You don’t need anyone.”  I got a little pissed off at first.  “But I want someone!  Why isn’t that enough?”

A few days later I was talking to a friend about that conversation and how annoyed I was with that summation of my situation.  “Men need to feel needed,” she said, “and it took me a long time to figure out how to show a man that he was needed.”  I told her I had no idea how to pretend that I had spent the bulk of my life having only myself to rely on.  I was not comfortable leaning on someone else.  I trust me.  That is the one thing life had taught me was that I could really just count on myself to do what needed to be done and I didn’t know how to “pretend” that wasn’t the way it was.  I said, “I want a partner but I can take care of myself.”

She explained that if a man didn’t feel needed he didn’t see his value in a relationship.  I really didn’t know what to do at that point.  Quite frankly I thought might actually be shit out of luck.  I spent a lot of time thinking about why I felt so strongly about what I wanted in partner.  What was missing from my life that I really wanted now?  Then I realized that making a man feel needed was more about emphasizing the things I wanted in partner so that he would feel valued and needed.

I am still not very good at it.  I should prabably work on that, huh?

29 Comments
by trjensen on January 16, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Dating, Me, Relationship
Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

Posted by trjensen on January 16, 2012

http://narcissistsblog.com/2012/01/16/why-are-you-still-single/

I’m Just a (Silly) Girl

I am thirty-eight years old but most of the time over the past year or so I often refer to myself as a girl.  Stepping backing into the dating scene after better than a decade of no intimate male interaction, has left me feeling lost at sea, floating in a wayward life raft in a see full of sharks.  I feel naïve and often confused by the world around me.  I feel like a much younger version of myself.

I thought that upon returning to the dating scene I would find, in men roughly my age, it would be easy to find someone looking for a commitment and many of the trials and pretense I encountered as a youth would no longer exist.  I truly believed it would be just that simple.  As I discovered that was not the case I lost my bearings.

In the new dating world it is more difficult to just meet a man the way I used to.  There is seldom an instance where I am introduced to someone through a mutual friend or I connect with someone at a social gathering.  Today it seems that everyone has turned to internet dating, a tool I just can’t seem to make work for me.  I am too dismissive and in the privacy and safety of my own mind far too judgmental to just give my online suitors a shot.  I need something tangible and the pages of profiles and inbox full of messages are overwhelming, something that only exists on my computer monitor.  I need to see someone, the way they move, hear the sound of their voice.  I need to be able to look someone in the eye.

Still, I do manage to date.  I have become far more preoccupied with aesthetics and far more willing to concede when it comes to moral character or like values, like a silly high school girl who is more concerned with appearance than substance.  Sometimes I get lucky but my taste in men has changed so drastically since I was a youth that I still feel like I am assembling a list of what I need and want in a relationship, often failing to effectively communicate what is important to me as result.

Dating is just silly, confusing and sometimes painful.  But it is also an amazing adventure.  I have learned a lot about myself and what I am capable of.  It can be tiresome. At times it genuinely feels like a chore but I like the fun aspect of it all.  I like the maybe this is it moments, the optimism.  I like the thrill of the first few dates, the moment where you realize you have finally relaxed, the first time you wake up in someone’s arms and want to freeze that moment forever.  I try to focus on the positive.

I am learning as I date.  I know what I don’t want and need to stick to my list of what is unacceptable.  I need to concede less.  I need develop a core list of what is most important to me and not overlook it when someone doesn’t meet the basic requirements.  I need to approach dating with the mindset that I want a partner and not just hope that something develops from something I  deem fun.  That hasn’t worked well for me so far.  I need to date like a grown up.

14 Comments
by trjensen on December 16, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in Dating, Life, Me, Relationship
Tagged , , , , , , ,

Posted by trjensen on December 16, 2011

http://narcissistsblog.com/2011/12/16/im-just-a-silly-girl/

« Older Posts
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 1,135 other followers