One night while cuddling with my ex on the couch watching a movie, he leaned down and whispered, “Let’s have a threesome..” “No,” I responded without even glancing at him. He unwrapped his arms from around me and sat up. “Why not?” he whined. He sat and straightened myself. I looked at him for a long moment trying to find a way to make him understand. For one thing, though I adored him and very much enjoyed having sex with him, I didn’t think he had it in him to manage two women at once. But the real reason I would never invite another woman into bed with us was simple. I had no intention of falling for the man I was now arguing with but my feelings for him had grown. “It would hurt me to watch you have sex with another woman,” I finally answered him. “You’ve done it before,” he persisted. “I wasn’t in a relationship and I couldn’t watch fuck someone else!” my voiced raised and became sterner. “You like me’” he smiled at me and pulled me to him again. It wasn’t the last time I’d have that conversation with him or other men I dated.
Since I have reentered the dating world, I have found dating to be somewhat challenging. I have learned to be cautious about how and who I date. As woman who writes about dating and sex, not only personally but professionally, it is difficult to find potential dates that don’t have some preconceived notion about who I am, what I want and how I date. I have had men approach me about dating simply because of my body of work. I have had men cancel dates because of my writing and some men have completely disregarded anything I have expressed in a relationship due to their perceived understanding of my experiences. All of this has resulted in some very interesting dating experiences that have benefited me greatly but often present some interesting stumbling blocks when I start wanting something more serious.
I have gone on dates solely for writing inspiration but typically that isn’t the reason I date. I love the stories and lessons that come from my experiences dating and in relationships but ultimately I date for the same reason everyone else does. I crave companionship though duration may vary. Ultimately I want something committed with some longevity.
Honesty is an important aspect of developing any relationship so I am fairly forth coming about what I do and what I write about. As anyone who has read my blog can tell you, I am pretty open anyway but I feel it is important to be honest and unapologetic about the events that have shaped who you are as a person. Early on I learned that it was better that I kept the information about my writing as simple as I could without being dishonest. If someone asked for details I’d provide them with as much information as was requested but dating with the bulk of my sexual history on the internet for everyone to read is challenging enough without my directing every man I date to my blog.
When I find myself dating someone whom I really like and who feels the same way they typically don’t read much of my work. I have also dated men who have read my blog or found some of my articles online. They will ask me about a certain experience or activity and attempt to pressure me into doing it again. I feel a bit like Alyssa Jones in Chasing Amy. My reputation precedes me and though I have done something, often for the sake of the experience, I have no intention of doing it again nor is it an activity I would participate in, in a relationship.
Dating is difficult. Because of some of my writing it makes dating more complicated. My past is my past and when dating someone I like I feel like I may be building a future. I want new experiences and new opportunities. I don’t want to reenact the past. I want something fresh to look forward to.
What are some of your experiences with assumptions and dating?