I must look really cute when I am sad. I had temporary job that ended yesterday and for the better part of the last four days I was floating around the area’s most popular fair greeting guests, helping where needed and shutting dudes down (what seemed like) every five minutes.
I just (about three weeks ago) was actually talking about cohabitating with GwtS. He came down in July and when he left, he text me every day for weeks, “I miss you.” “I can’t wait to see you again.” We talked about living together. I even helped him line up a job down here. Then he sent me message on Facebook (yes really!) and told me that he met someone. He said he still wanted come visit and that he still missed me.
I know I have been here before with this same guy for the same reason so I’ll spare you the poor me bullshit (But I did really think he wanted to be with me.) Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me; fool me over and over again and eventually I will realize I am getting played (and a big, fat idiot.)
So anyway, I am trying to just move past everything. I don’t regret trusting him because he was in my life for a reason and I am still really thinking about what I need to do differently aside from not letting my entire family fall in love with someone I love only to be disrespected by that person. Explaining that to my parents and trying not to flat out vilify someone is nearly impossible.
I have accepted that he doesn’t and never really did care about or respect me. But with that acceptance comes a lot of pain and anger. I am still processing everything so dating is the last thing on my mind. I wish I could stop loving someone just because I saw new genitalia but I can’t. I still have a lot of feelings floating around in this tiny little heart of mine and until they are gone the last thing I want is some new dude adding to my already confused emotional state.
For several weeks I worked at the fairgrounds preparing for and setting up various aspects of the fair. Then when the fair started I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off helping wherever I was needed. Even though I tried to stay busy my mind did wander. GwtS was supposed to be back for the fair. We were supposed to be enjoying it together. When I thought about it I would get sad and angry.
The last thing I wanted when I was hurting was for some dude to pull out his “A” game and try to flirt with me but it seemed like every time I stopped for more than a minute someone approached me. I would try to be polite but I was more annoyed that they couldn’t see I didn’t want to be hit on. I always appreciate when someone pays me a compliment or tells me I am attractive but right now I kinda’ hate guys. I guess I must look really cute when I am sad but right now I don’t want the attention. (Bet that is something you never thought you’d hear come out of my mouth.)
*But on the upside some of the guys down here are much hotter than I remember them being.
Posted by trjensen on September 11, 2012
Sometimes we get so blinded by something we want that we fail to understand that may not be something we need. Sometimes we have hopes that involve other people. We make plans but for some reason or another those plans weren’t meant to be. Sometimes your course isn’t always headed in the same direction as those we want to join us on our journey.
When the realization that someone we really want to walk with deviates from our path it means that maybe we need to walk alone for a while. Even when we have a partner our journey is our own. Sometimes we are headed in the same direction and it is nice to have a companion. We can grow and learn from each other. We can love and support one another but for everyone there comes a point when we reach a fork in the road.
That fork in the road comes in many forms. Some roads end, others move on to new adventures and experiences. There is always a fork. There are always those places in our experiences that require solitude those narrow paths we must travel alone. They are lessons just meant for us. They are designed to offer us periods of reflection and comprehension.
Some of these narrow paths make us feel lonely or isolated. They make us long for companionship. Some people thrive during this periods of solitude while others feel a desperate need to travel ahead quickly to a place when they can once again travel with another soul. For some one companion defines them. Other will have many partners along their journey, each provide a myriad of knowledge and opportunities to expand our understanding.
Having a partner in your journey is a blessing, even if they only keep you company for a little while. We should all appreciate our time with others. We should value everyone and thing that crosses our path. Whether they guide us, teach us or merely keep us company we should appreciate those legs of our journey because they are often too brief.
Posted by trjensen on August 13, 2012
Every negative in our lives can be a positive lesson. Every individual on the planet encounters negativity. It might be in an individual, a situation or deeply rooted within ourselves. The trick is to understand that even the bad things that happen in our lives are opportunities for us to grow and become better version of ourselves. Even the most terrible events in our lives offer us opportunities to strengthen our understanding of ourselves.
When bad things happen it is to feel victimized but what has transpired. We wonder why these things happen to us. We often dwell on the pain overlooking what we were really meant to take away from a given experience. We forget that even in the dark we have an opportunity to find the light. We are an ever evolving species, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Everything we experience is an opportunity for understanding and growth.
While in the midst of some horrible or painful trauma we often find ourselves just trying to get by but even this demonstrates our perseverance and personal strength. Often we find it difficult to see through the pain and see what opportunity we have to grow in these times of trouble but they are there. Some things that happen to us are out of our control while others are entirely our doing but in both scenarios there are positives.
The positives are those opportunities, even in our more difficult times, we have to grow, understand and learn. Every experience is an opportunity. The better we understand this the easier it becomes to look for the lessons and opportunity for growth in our experiences. This minimalizes our desire to cling to our pain, harbor animosity and feel victimized by our negative experiences.
The negatives in our lives become what they truly are, some of our more difficult lessons. This often implies they are more significant and often more important things we need to understand. Of course this doesn’t mean that we won’t hurt and suffer. It doesn’t mean that we won’t or shouldn’t grieve. What it means is that we have something to take away from the difficult periods in our lives and may find in conclusion, that these experiences were significant and necessary lessons so that we might grow and become better.
Bad things happen. People are cruel to each other, often we are reckless and sometimes things seem so senseless that it is difficult to understand what learning opportunity could possibly come from an experience. The truth is there is always something to learn and even the most difficult experiences exist so you may grow. Every negative has some positive. You just have to be open to it.
Posted by trjensen on August 8, 2012
I talk a lot about timing and how sometimes things feel like they aren’t happening at the right stage in your life. I don’t know that I necessarily believe that is true anymore. I genuinely believe that every experience happens to you for a singular purpose. That purpose… to grow.
That being said, timing isn’t really an issue. This conclusion leads to only one rational explanation. Some relationships are just more complicated than others. Some relationships, no matter how strong your connection is, require more work. It doesn’t mean that they aren’t meant to be. It just means that due to circumstance the gestation period of some relationships is just longer. Your interactions may be more limited than you would like. Progress may be slower than you hope for but that doesn’t mean that your timing is bad. It doesn’t mean you aren’t supposed to be in each other’s lives right now.
Things happen when and how they are supposed to. Some things happen the way we want them to; when we want them to. Some things don’t turn out the way we hope. It is always easier to speculate how something might be better if the circumstances were slightly different but those experiences and relationships exist so we may grow.
We have something to learn from everyone who enters our lives. Some relationships are more significant but they all have something to teach us. So when a relationship isn’t going exactly the way you hope it doesn’t mean it isn’t working. Sometimes the struggle can make a relationship stronger. Sometimes we have lessons to learn about ourselves. We just need to be open to what life presents to us.
Take from each experience, the joy and learning opportunities and appreciate each person for what they can offer, an opportunity to grow and experience. And remember, no experience is bad as long as you can move forward a better person.
People come into your life just when you need them. Some are there to teach easy lessons. Others are there to remind you of something. Some serve to teach you something external, others teach you something about yourself. But they are there and present when they need to be. Their timing (in the grand scheme of things) is always perfect.
Posted by trjensen on August 2, 2012
My life would be simpler if . . .
- I could like the guys who like me, back.
- my son listened to me.
- my friends weren’t crazy.
- I was rich.
- I didn’t live in a cartoon.
- my youth wasn’t one continuous after school special.
- I didn’t want to be better.
- I didn’t always want.
The question is . . . Would I be happy? Shit no! I could always be happier but I am learning to appreciate my life and what I have to learn from it. Some of these things might make my life a little easier but I don’t think they’d make me happier. I need the struggle. I need the experience. That is how I became who I am. It is why I wanted to be better. I thrive when challenged. I guess I am glutton for punishment but I have to learn through experience. Its like my father always said, “You have to learn everything the hard way don’t ya’?” I guess he was right.
Posted by trjensen on December 17, 2011