When you decide there is something about yourself you aren’t entirely satisfied with how do you go about changing it? As many of you know I made a list of things I felt needed modifying. I started another blog about a year ago and started implementing changes. Some of the changes were physical, lose weight, dress the way you want to feel and smile more. Some of the changes were things that were more deep seeded behavioral and personality issues like trying to be honest more, being more positive and less judgmental. And some of the items on the list just feel by the way side like trying to stop swearing. I swear less in inappropriate situations but I will likely never stop cussing. I just swear a lot and that hasn’t changed.
I still have both physical and emotional intimacy issues but I am working hard to overcome them. I am being honest outside my own comfort zone and trying to be outgoing (even though I still feel more creepy and awkward than I do friendly and extrovert.) I am still balancing my excitement with the sense that I just being overly enthusiastic and obnoxious. I am still trying to find a comfortable way to present myself to a larger audience; that is a group comprised of strangers or mere acquaintances and not just my friends.
I am still pretty shy and get anxious around people I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like they are being too forward. Sometimes I feel like I am being interrogated and get defensive. My responses seem snarky and condescending. Sometimes I just don’t know how to fill the silence. I hate uncomfortable silence. I love silence, like the moment you realize you don’t have to say something to someone. I hate those silences where you feel like you have to fill that quiet space with words or you will be judged for it.
I know I talk about what I have accomplished but I also want to talk about what I still struggle with. I am a pretty anxious girl and find that anxiety does still inhibit me. I am not as trusting as I want to be and I am more optimistic than many people think I should be. I like that I have become more optimistic but being optimistic can also mean more hurt when things don’t work out. I basically assume the best without any justification for why I think things will turn out well. That is a bad way to approach a situation and I am still working on finding the middle. I am working on trying to incorporate what a situation means to me and what the situation may mean for me.
I guess my biggest issues are still with balance. I don’t fall down as often but I still trip enough that I feel clumsy. Weighted boots maybe?
Posted by trjensen on May 28, 2011
On occasion when I whine about being lonely, especially when I am out drinking with my girlfriends their advice is this, “You need to get laid.” I have many issues with this piece of advice. I argue that sex tends to present me with more problems than it does solutions. Sure I would rather be having sex. I would almost always be rather having sex but I just don’t do random hook ups. I don’t have sex for the sake of having sex with random strangers regardless of how attractive they are (Okay so I have done this once but I was drunk to the point I could barely function and I felt really shitty about it afterwards. That is a story for another day.) I just have this mental block about random sex.
I was talking to a friend recently on his birthday. I inquired about what he had done that day to celebrate and he said he had spent the bulk of the day with his daughter. “No party?” “Nope.” “No cake?” “No.” “Did you get laid?” I teased. “Of course I did.” He replied. He explained that had gone to his ex’s house because he said, “He knew she would and that it would be good.” I commented that I had always preferred someone familiar to a random hook-up. He said, “Sometimes it good to have something strange.” I noted that it wasn’t very safe but he stuck to his guns.
I do not want something foreign. If I am going to have sex for the sake of having plain-old, dirty, fun sex then I would much prefer it be with someone I am acquainted with. I have issues with physical intimacy and even more issues with emotional intimacy so if I am going to sleep with someone for whatever reason I need to know them, at least a little. I need some comfort level established because if I am not comfortable before I am never going to get comfortable.
This doesn’t mean that I just want go around sleeping with my male friends until I find a boyfriend either. Gross! I still need to be attracted to the guy and as I have previously stated… I am picky and maybe, just maybe mildly shallow. This means I would only have sex with my hot friends. And furthermore, we have to have a connection stronger than our desire to fuck each other because I have no desire to go around fucking up perfectly good friendships (pun intended) because I can’t keep my hormones in check. I need to be able to keep myself grounded.
Given the long list of requirements that need to be met in order for me to have “fun” sex … I don’t really have fun sex. It isn’t that I wouldn’t. I actually have someone in mind but as with everything there are complications so I’ll have to wait and see what happens. Plus honestly, getting me laid isn’t the same thing as having a relationship, not even a very short relationship. I would much rather have someone to cuddle up next to on the couch every night (before we have sex. )
Posted by trjensen on May 12, 2011