Besides being the name of original blog, being back at one seems to be something I am quite familiar with. I have seen lots of comings and goings over the last year and most of them have been my chose. I have become much better at letting things and people go.
I casually dated for quite some time before I met the man I have been dating for the past few months. Things became complicated a month ago when he had his first child with another woman. I struggled with how I would fit in his already busy/chaotic life. He started a new job, just had his first child and was preparing to return to school. The timing was all wrong and I desperately hoped one of us could come up with a solution.
I also secretly and not irrationally feared that having a baby with another woman would renew some emotional connection in that relationship. I couldn’t imagine how it wouldn’t. Ever since the birth of his son I have felt very insecure about our relationship. He was hesitant to commit to me fully and I suspected that it was because he hoped he and his son’s mother would reunite.
Tonight as I was preparing to go out into the nightmare that is Black Friday shopping I received a text from him confirming my suspicions. He did in fact hope to reconnect with the mother of his son. Of course this hurts me. I did care for him but I also completely understand. I respect him for being honest with me and sparing my feelings. I have been extremely insecure and needy since his son has been born. I had become a mere shadow of the confident, secure, fun-loving woman he had wanted to date initially.
I knew the change in emotional state was becoming an issue. He stopped telling me he missed me. He stopped sending me cute little text messages just to say hi or tell me how sexy he thought I was. And the more his behavior changed the more nervous I got. I struggled to convince myself that nothing had changed and that I needed to relax and not fret about things I could not control. I just couldn’t do it.
So I am back at one. I am sad but I know I’ll be okay. If this year taught me anything it is that I am pretty good at bouncing back. Maybe I will even be able to maintain a friendship with someone I have dated. That would be a first for me.
*I do still wonder if I am doing something else wrong…
Posted by trjensen on November 25, 2011
I don’t feel insecure often. I have worked very hard and I am proud of the transformations I have made in my life. I spent the better part of the past two years losing weight, focusing on my writing and trying to find a man who I care for and want to spend time with. Lately haven’t been doing much writing and I have (gasp) actually gained some weight. I have found a man who I am developing feelings for at a moment in which his life is getting complicated. All of these things are making me feel insecure.
I have gained more weight than I am comfortable with. This is happening for several reasons. I haven’t been feeling very well lately. I have been eating pretty poorly and I haven’t been getting nearly enough exercise. The weather in Portland seems to be pretty extreme for this time of year. It seems colder than it normally is and so I haven’t been running or walking. I need to suck it up and start exercising again. I need to take more care in what I eat and I need to get healthy again, in general. I am still well with in my weight range for my height/age but I am not super pleased with the way my body looks and feels of late. I need to get well and get back in shape. This is easy to achieve but in the meantime I am not feeling very confident about my body thus hindering my sense of self.
I have also not been writing nearly as much as I need to or as much as I enjoy. Writing often supplements my income and not doing it has put some strain on my finances. I find it more difficult to write when things in my life are going well. I find more inspiration in my struggles. I need to focus on my positivity and find a way to express the positive in positive situations, not just the negative ones. Writing clears my head, it helps me grow and it keeps me focused. I need to stay focused because when I don’t I gain weight and stop writing.
I have also been seeing someone for almost two months now and I am very happy with progression of our relationship. He makes me happy. He makes me feel valued and I really do love just sitting curled up next to him on his couch and talking. He really is what I look for in a man and I am happy to have him in my life. He became a first time father this week, started a new job and is going to college in the winter. The potential that we may not have as much time together makes me feel a little lonely. His life has become very busy very quickly and I am feeling very scared and unsure about our future. I still believe we have one it is just changing and that leaves me lots of time to worry about what can go wrong.
All of this has left me feeling insecure. I am insecure about everything and I can’t remember the last time I was this worried about things that, for the most part, I can resolve. So I am writing tonight, I am running tomorrow regardless of the weather and I am going to stop worry about things that are out of my control. I have become pretty good at changing my circumstances. I just need to take care of me first. Right now I need to do that. I need to get back to my normal healthy, optimistic self. I have no reason to feel insecure I just have work to do.
Posted by trjensen on October 30, 2011