All posts tagged funny

Six Months

question markI suppose you all are wondering how my blind dates went, right?  I know you are because what else could you possibly have to do besides worry about my personal life.  I am kidding of course but I am pretty sure you were still probably wondering just a little bit. It is hard not to become slightly invested in the lives of those who are so willing to overshare.  I know this because you bastards have tricked me into being just as invested in your lives. *Waves fist at computer screen.

Surely I haven’t been blogging because I have been so busy having crazy monkey sex with virtual strangers.  That is after all one of my favorite pass times. (Really it is.  If this comes as a surprise to you, you should go back and read some posts from this time last year.) Surely there is a reason that doesn’t have anything to do with a surprise non-payment of an internet bill and the drama and stress of having guests here for the holidays.

The truth is I have not gone on said blind dates because I am a big chicken shit wuss.  I also haven’t had sex in six fucking months because the idea of having sex just to have sex sounds about as appealing to me as having my pubic area waxed one hair at a time.  I just can’t bring myself to even fain charm or wit.

feministBefore you go getting all misty eyed and proud of me for being all grown up let me assure you that emotional growth has nothing to do with either of these choices. I have not gone said blind dates for several reasons. The primary reason being, I have absolutely no faith in my casual acquaintances and coworkers’ ability to find me a tolerable dinner (let alone sexual) companion.  This is followed closely by my lack of enthusiasm about dating a man “my age.” Age in my estimation is relative and I have no desire to date someone in their late thirties or forties.  I do not have my shit together in many areas and while I am striving to mature emotionally I still feel stunted in many aspects. I am attracted to younger men (not Extreme Cougar status) and I enjoy dating guys who are still peak physical specimens.  The other issue is that in my community I am what the men in these parts would refer to as a liberal, feminist transplant.  This is not appealing to me or perspective dates.

recycleI have had at least two opportunities to have sex with past partners, of both genders and passed both up this month.  Recycling just isn’t something I have any interest in doing and the idea of putting in what could be a considerable amount of work(training) to establish a long term FWB situation isn’t something I can muster the energy to do.  I refer again to the long and arduous process that would be the most painful, interminable Brazilian ever.

I know I am probably still scared given my gross lapse in judgment and colossal display of poor self-respect that was Guy with the Smile but I also need to just get past it and fucking date already.  I need to get my shit together. The longer I go without dating the more cynical and pissy I become when someone actually expresses interest in me.  I don’t like being a giant douche- baggy, snotty girl who can’t get laid because her personality just sucks.  I want to have fun and socialize and I definitely want to be having sex with someone other than myself. Six months seems so long (and yes this is coming from the girl who abstained for thirteen years.)

Something has to change before I become some old shrew, spinster librarian.  Oh yeah! That is already happening.1

1This isn’t even a possibility. This could never and will never happen. I am attempting to be self-deprecating.

18 Comments
by trjensen on January 7, 2013  •  Permalink
Posted in Dating, Life, Me, Relationship, Sex
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Posted by trjensen on January 7, 2013

http://narcissistsblog.com/2013/01/07/six-months/

For Love and Cookies!

“What does being in love feels like?”

Like there’s a button in front of you that says “press this for free cookies,” but every time you press it, a bird shits on your head, but you keep pressing it, and once in every 100 times, you get a cookie.

And it’s the best fucking cookie you’ve ever had.

And while you’re eating it, you realize you’ll willingly get shit on 99 more times in hopes of getting another cookie.

Then one day, the cookies stop coming.

When I read this for the first time I sat, laptop resting on my legs, thinking that whoever wrote this was a fucking genius. (Run on sentences and all. People in glass houses, ya’ know?)  I sat thinking about the simplicity of this summation and the moments in my life when I actually experienced this.

These cookie moments, even when they last hours, days, weeks… seem so fleeting.  They go too quickly.  Even though we love the people in our lives the times we feel this kind of bliss occur sporadically moments. Moments when you feel completely fulfilled, connected and at peace.  Moments when you realize that what really want is so simple and innocent.   And we all go through life trying to get to that next moment when we get another cookie.

My relationships have been like this and it really only reconfirms what I’ve said about being in love and wanting to stay in the simplest of moments forever.  I have certainly been shit on but I will always keep hitting that button.  I don’t believe the cookies ever stop coming.  If you can find your own happiness the cookies will keep coming.  The cookies don’t really come from someone else.  The cookies come from you.  The trick is to love yourself, make yourself happy then you can teach other people how to love you.  When you can do that you are in control of how and when you get the cookies.

 

 

 

 

 

9 Comments
by trjensen on November 19, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Dating, Me, Relationship
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Posted by trjensen on November 19, 2012

http://narcissistsblog.com/2012/11/19/for-love-and-cookies/

Day 12: 9 Videos I Like

This prompt was another one I was super excited to do because I love online videos.  Here are some of my favorites.
1. Drunk History: Twas the Night Before Christmas

2. Auto-Correct Love Song (College Humor)

3. Hate Weird Facebook Guys (College Humor)

4. Things Guys Lie About (Jenna Marbles)

5. Cat Safety Propaganda (Hyperbole and a Half)

6. The Motherfucking Pterodactyl (The Oatmeal)

7. Katherine Heigl Hates Balls (Funny or Die)

8. Republicans, Get In My Vagina (Funny or Die)

9. Ghetto Deer (Youtube)

9 Comments
by trjensen on November 12, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Life, Me
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Posted by trjensen on November 12, 2012

http://narcissistsblog.com/2012/11/12/day-12-9-videos-i-like/

Things I Can Do Without – Liquid Courage

Things I Can Do Without – Liquid Courage

It bothers me when I know someone I cannot have normal, rational sober conversations with.  I have fallen victim to a drunken confrontation, phone call or text regarding some matter that would be better dealt with sober.  I understand that some people have a difficult time expressing how they feel.  I am typically not one of those people. Being meek about what I feel/think is not something typically associated with me.  “Brutally honest” is a far better description.

When someone can’t have a conversation with me when they are sober I have a difficult time taking them seriously.  I have had men tell me they loved me when they were drunk.  I’ve had men tell me they hated me when they were drunk.  I’ve dated guys who only call me and discuss anything of actual relevance or importance when they are drunk.

Maybe I am just drawn to alcoholics… I guess that would add some validity to the whole idea of women dating men like their fathers.  That will have to be its own post.  It really isn’t just guys.  I know girls who are completely introvert but get a few drinks in them and they behave like they were raised by animals.  I am always amazed by the phenomenon that can transform a mild mannered person into a big fat douche.

If you have anything worth saying or doing, if you feel strongly about it, then say or do it sober because if the only time you have any kind of backbone or personality is when you are drunk then maybe you should just stay home.  When you try to have an important conversation or really want express yourself and you are wasted no sober person is going to take you seriously.  It also makes you seem like you’re chicken shit.

14 Comments
by trjensen on September 24, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Dating, Life, Me, Things I Can Do Without
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Posted by trjensen on September 24, 2012

http://narcissistsblog.com/2012/09/24/things-i-can-do-without-liquid-courage/

Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff

I started work last week.  I haven’t had a real job in about two and half years.  I did make some money with some freelance writing but I haven’t had a traditional job in quite a while.  I was hired to help set up and run the county fair and I have to say I have quite enjoyed what I am doing.  Event planning was a huge part of my job at the last television studio I worked at and everyone I work with appreciates my contributions along with the knowledge I bring to the event.  I have to say it feels pretty good to be appreciated for your talents.  Aside from writing I haven’t had an opportunity to put more of my experience to good use.  It is amazing to have the opportunity to do something different and be appreciated and recognized for doing it.  And I am getting paid pretty well.

I have a six day break before everything really starts coming in for the event.  I was glad to have some days off.  We spent two days out of town, visiting farmers markets and just looking around.  I slept on the way home and for most of Saturday.  It was a nice opportunity to relax before returning to work.  Yesterday morning I got up, grabbed my kitty and started for the living room.  As I made my way to the door it happened.  I was trying to keep hold of my kitty when my foot struck something that shot pain across the top of my foot.  I looked down to find a pair of picture frames leaning against a chair.  I swore under my breath.

I managed to make my way to the living room cursing as I struggled to hold on to my cat as I sat down.  She wiggled free and I pulled my throbbing foot up to examine the damage.  My pinky toe was already swollen to the size of a Vienna sausage and sticking out to the left away from my other toes, a bruise creepy across the top of my foot.  And guess what?  I broke my fucking toe.

It isn’t the end of the world.  It hurts but for the most part I can stand the pain and I can hobble around alright.  I don’t work ‘til Thursday and I fully intend on going so I am doing my best to stay off of it for now.  If I can get a shoe on I’ll be fine.   I need to work.  I need the social interaction and the money.

It is funny how things happen.  Sometimes events seem senseless.  I needed a job so I could have some money and get my own mode of transportation.   I do those things and then I get hurt, hindering my ability to do what I need to do.  I do have some other stuff going on in my life and I think maybe I needed a distraction from that.

The one thing I have to say for the current state of my life is nothing feels like a disaster.  I don’t feel like the world is falling down around me.  I am working on getting where I want to be and broken toe isn’t that big of a deal.

 

 

7 Comments
by trjensen on August 27, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Life, Me
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Posted by trjensen on August 27, 2012

http://narcissistsblog.com/2012/08/27/dont-sweat-the-small-stuff/

The Truck Story

I know many of you were interested in the incident with me and the truck.  If you hop on over to diaryofadougfiend you’ll find said story.  This the first guest blog I have done.  I hope you all go check it out.

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by trjensen on March 7, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Life, Me
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Posted by trjensen on March 7, 2012

http://narcissistsblog.com/2012/03/07/the-truck-story/

I Am Whatever You Say I am

I spent a lot of time changing some of the things I didn’t like about myself.  I guess it was just about tweaking what didn’t work for me and becoming a version of myself that I was more proud of.  The physical changes are apparent.  Most people tell me I look nothing like I did a few years ago.  The emotional changes are harder to explain.  My outlook on life changed.  The way I feel about myself changed.  The way I approach so many things has changed.  I had a very long list of things I wanted to work on and I did.  Most of it stuck.  I am more optimistic, more confident and I am typically pretty happy.  A few things didn’t stick because they really where part of what makes me the girl I love.  Unfortunately, it is also what makes some people want to choke the life out of me, (which secretly makes me like those things about me more.)

I am blunt and sarcastic.  I once dated a guy who said I was one of the most sarcastic people he has ever met in his life and that it was “off putting.”   I love sarcasm.  I also love when someone can fire right back at me.  A quick wit is something I find so appealing in another person.  If I can dish out shit and tease then we’ll be friends.  If you tease me back then we’ll be friends for life.  But many people don’t like me for the same reason.  I am accused of being smug and insensitive.  It is one of the things I thought I needed to work on but it never took.  It is really part of who I am.  I am never intentionally malicious but my teasing is misconstrued as such.  If you can’t take a little (okay a lot) of goading you just won’t like me.

The other trait I thought I needed to work on was my vulgarity.  I can say wildly inappropriate things at the drop of a hat.  I swear like a trucker and my main choices for topics of discussion are seldom the first thing that pops into my friend’s heads.  My mind resides in the gutter.  I have managed to curb my desire to crack inappropriate jokes on dates but then I feel like I am not being honest about who I am.  I know when I need to watch what I say.  I know when I need to bite my tongue.  But if you say anything that can be twisted into something dirty, I am going to make comment.  The people who know me best know this about me. They have accepted it and almost expect it to happen.

The two things that probably drive people the most crazy about me are two of the things I love most about myself.  The good thing about these two qualities is that they help to weed people out of my social circle that are never really going to be happy there.  If you can’t laugh at yourself and be comfortable with who you are then you definitely don’t want to go out drinking with any of my friends.  Some people take it too personally or feel like they are being singled out.  I always remind them that if I didn’t like them they wouldn’t be a topic of discussion.  Some people prefer it that way.  That is fine by me.  Some things aren’t meant to be changed.  If you think I am an asshole then I probably am but I am also funny, warm and open.  It is all about perception.

16 Comments
by trjensen on February 27, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Life, Me
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Posted by trjensen on February 27, 2012

http://narcissistsblog.com/2012/02/27/i-am-whatever-you-say-i-am/

Glitter E. Yaynus Award!

I have received the Glitter E. Yaynus Award.  When I checked the award I laughed.  Apparently the award is to be given to people who A) Like to talk about themselves and/or B) Have shown their proverbial ass on their blog.  I am proud to say that I have done both on more than one occasion and proudly except the award bestowed on me by the lovely Lizzie at Running Naked with Scissors.

Thank you Lizzie!  Lizzie said, “This may be the only award I ever get that she doesn’t already have so I have to take the opportunity.”  You are correct, madam.  I knew nothing of the Glitter E. Yaynus Award and it is probably the one award, no one could argue is appropriate for my blog.  And now for the rules…

First: Tell people at least five things you do that would make them want to kill you, or at the very least, make them hate you for the rest of their lives. I could name way, way more than five.  If listed the unintentional things I would have enough pages for a novel.

I am constantly showing my girlfriends pictures of all the hot (and I mean hot) guys I have dated. My favorite time to show of my eye candy pics is when I am being accused of trying to poach some creepy bar troll from one of my friends while out.  I simply take out my phone find a picture of the guy I am dating and remind them that “I date guys that look like this.”  It typically shuts them up and pisses them off.  

I swear all the time.  I swear as much if not more than my Scottish friend and he cusses a lot.  I am constantly being shooshed.  I spent the bulk of my youth hanging out with kids who grew up on the wrong side of the tracks.  It is just the way I talk.  I am getting better about controlling it based on a situation but once I have had a few drinks all bets are off.

I will Google something and prove to you that I am right. If you feel the need to attempt to correct me when I know I am correct then I will return the favor by proving you wrong regardless of who is around.   If I am wrong then I am wrong and I don’t make a big deal about it but if I tell you something and I can prove that I am correct then you can bet your ass I am going to do so.  It is totally ego but if I feel like someone is just trying to be an asshole then I will be one right back.

I will talk about sex with complete strangers at a bar, restaurant or in a store.  It doesn’t typically start out as a conversation with strangers.  I am normally talking to friends and someone overhears and chimes in or someone asks me what I do and explain that I write about dating and/or that I used to write porn summaries for an adult video company.  Regardless of how the conversation starts, with me, it typically ends in a conversation about sex. 

I will write about anything I feel like writing about.  If I need to write about something, I write about it.  If I am mad then I say so.  If someone pisses me off I’ll share that story.  If someone does something stupid then I will recount it as accurately as I can.  The problem is everyone assumes everything is about them.  I’ll say something like, “No it is about me,” and then they hate me. 

The next thing you have to do according to the rules is this: Run across a freeway blindfolded. I am nowhere near a freeway and I value you my awesome self way too much to risk getting hit by a car and I have no insurance.

The third thing I am supposed to do is pick out five things that I would stick up my ass if I was forced to.

Anyone’s poor opinion of me. But then I would pull it back out and insist they carry it around with them.

Anything I might lose. I misplace my keys and debit card on occasion.  If I shoved them up my butt then I wouldn’t have to worry about losing them.

My purse.  My son is under the misguided impression I can shit money anyway.

My “Fat” pictures. There aren’t many of these still in existence but I would gladly shove them up my ass if it meant no one would ever see them again.

Marshmallows.  Everything else will take up so much room that I think a few marshmallows may be the only thing that will still fit.

I am also supposed to pick out five bloggers who I feel are worthy of Prom Court. Who has a glittery ass?  Hmm.  Who won’t this offend?  Hmm…

Jeanna at Xanax or Running Shoes because she is awesome and loves her “bad” self.

MC at MysteryCoach because she is outspoken and I LOVE her for that.

Cadence at Search 4 a Soul Mate because she is honest.

Carrie at ladywithatruck because she posted those pictures of her smashed finger.

Jen at Sips of Jen and Tonic mostly because I want to see what she has to say about getting the award.

And included the award in you acceptance post.

That is all!  Thanks for reading.  I am going to return to staring at myself in the mirror now.

8 Comments
by trjensen on February 20, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Me
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Posted by trjensen on February 20, 2012

http://narcissistsblog.com/2012/02/20/glitter-e-yaynus-award/

Perils in Online Dating

I am still not completely sold on the whole online dating thing.  I am warming up to the idea but it seems that I have had better luck on my own just meeting people.  (And what I mean by better luck is it seems far easier for me to connect and get comfortable.)  I have gone out with a few guys I have met online and never got past chatting or texting with a few others.  But there are still things that give me pause in every stage of online dating.  I decided to share some examples of what I think about and hope won’t happen every time I reply to a message.

  1. “Do you work on a chicken farm because you are really good at raising cocks?” Really? Really! This was the way one gentleman tried to introduce himself to me via message.  After I stopped laughing I deleted the message and moved on.  I hate those types of messages.  They make me want to punch people.
  2. “I thought I’d take a chance and see if maybe you would like to take some time and chat with me.   Maybe you aren’t a stuck bitch… maybe I am wrong.”  This was an excerpt from a message during one of my first attempts at online dating like two years ago.  I deleted that account right after I received the message.  If you hate women why are you looking for a date?  I am certain this man owns a van conversion filled with dead girls.  There was probably no room in it for my body anyway.
  3. Him (Male/31/Straight/Married ): Any chance we could take some time and get to know each other? I love my wife very much and I am happy with our relationship.  I have no intention of leaving her.  I am looking for something non-committal but ongoing. Me: I have no interest in a married man.  Him: Even if my wife is not interested in having sex with me? Me: That is not what I am looking for.  It says on my profile I am looking for a relationship with someone who is s-i-n-g-l-e.  Him: Oh! So you are close minded? No asshole!  I just don’t want to help a married guy get his rocks off.  I blocked him after that.  He obviously couldn’t read.  I have never even indicated I would be open to a FWB situation on any dating site I use and I stress that I am not interested in anyone who is not completely unattached.
  4. Recently I was chatting via text with a couple of guys I had met online.  We weren’t anywhere near meeting but I didn’t mind texting.  So one night I get a text from a number I do not recognize but he knew who I was and I assumed it was from the online dating site.  He had identified himself as Chris. (Fun fact: I know five guys named Chris and only two are programmed into my phone.)  I told him I wasn’t sure who he was and asked him to send me a pic.  A few seconds later I get a picture text.  I don’t know why this man I had never met thought I could identify him with a picture of his genitalia… but that was the pic he sent.  I know most men have the potential to be colossal pigs but why would he think I wanted to see his dick?  Some men really can’t think beyond their own erections.
  5. I was chatting with a guy over the summer and he and I went on a couple of dates.  It was when I was going through my casual dating spree. He was ex-military and seemed a little obsessed with guns.  He had told me several times I needed one because it wasn’t safe for me to live alone without one.  I told him I had no interest in owning a gun because I would be uncomfortable having one.  I believe people should have the right to own guns but I just wouldn’t feel safer with one in the house.  He finally dropped it.  So one night he came over and we had already decided that that night would be the night.  After we had sex we sat in bed and chatted a little as I thought about how I was going to send him home shortly so I could go to sleep.  I asked him if he could still be called back to active duty. “For another year.  If I was going to get deployed I would be happy to go back,” he answered.  “Why? So you could shoot all those big guns?” I asked rather sarcastically.  He answered rather matter-of-factly, “No, so I can shoot people. “  “Okay psycho!” I blurted out rather surprised.  I looked at him for some indication he was kidding but there wasn’t one.  “Not innocent people.” He attempted to justify his answer.  “You don’t know if you are shooting innocent people.” I said.  He gave me a harsh look.  I realized he was not kidding.  I just had sex with a psychopath!  OMG! A psychopath!  I changed the subject and asked him how school was going.  He started to talk about pending transfer to a school in the southern part of the state.  When he finished I told him I was tired and he left.  He texted me a few times after that but I didn’t respond.

Online dating has been an adventure for sure.  I have met a few nice guys.  One, I am sure will be my friend for quite some time but just a friend.  These are some of the worst case scenarios.  I have had others.  They just seem to happen more frequently in the online dating world.  And… I had sex with a crazy man!

29 Comments
by trjensen on January 14, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Dating, Life, Me, Sex
Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Posted by trjensen on January 14, 2012

http://narcissistsblog.com/2012/01/14/perils-in-online-dating/

“You Are So Weird.”

(Or More Reasons I Belong in the CCC)

I am quirky. I know I am quirky and it something that most of my friends find amusing. Some people think I am just crazy. Here are a few of the things that drive me nuts.

COTTON – I hate cotton. I don’t mind cotton clothing I mean cotton. I don’t like cotton balls. I hate to touch it. I take nail polish off with paper towels. I am getting used to the idea of q-tips, as I wear make-up and need q-tips. One of the things that bothers me most is when cotton is packed in a bottle (like an aspirin bottle.) I can’t pull it out because it snags on the mouth of the bottle and it starts to pull apart. ICK!!! I hate cotton.

STYROFOAM – I don’t dislike for environmental reasons. It is bad for the environment and that bothers me but the reason I dislike Styrofoam is the noise it makes. It makes a kinda’ squeaky, nails on a chalkboard sound. I hate when my food or drink comes in something Styrofoam and I will typical transfer it to another container before I can even eat or drink.

CHEWING LOUDLY – This is one of my biggest pet peeves and also a breach in etiquette. I really cannot stand to listen to people eat or chew. Loud eaters drive me crazy. It is rude and no one wants to hear anyone else chew. If you chew with your mouth open or talk with your mouth full, you can pretty much guarantee I won’t be eating with you again. This is one dislike that I can explain. My father had the same issue with loud eaters and “conditioned” my brother and I to be very quiet eaters and drinkers, thus instilling in us, a disdain for noisy (piggy) eaters. I just want people to eat quietly and chew with their mouths shut.

BUGS -To be more specific, I am really scared of moths, grasshoppers, crickets and mantises. These specific bugs scare the shit out of me. I think my issue with them is that they don’t brush off as easily as other bugs. They seem sticky to me. No other bugs really bother me. I don’t want them crawling on me but I am not afraid of them.

KLEENEX – Again this is a textural thing and it is one of my weirdest quirks because it makes no sense. I do not have an issue with all tissue. . . just facial tissue. I have no problem with the stuff you shove in gift bags or with toilet paper. (Actually, now that I am writing this I guess I might mildly dislike those things but not nearly as much as facial tissue.) I hate the way facial tissue feels and if it is folded over or doubled up and rubbed together it makes me want to crawl out of my skin. For some reason the idea of two sheets of tissue rubbing together makes me cringe.

STICKY – I don’t really like sticky things. I more directly have problems with sticky hard surfaces and dirty faces. This is normally an issue I experience when I am around children. (But I do like kids.)

“MOIST” – Shit. Fuck. Hell. Damn. I have a dirty mouth and I have no problem with just about any form of profanity but when someone says moist I want to hit him/her in the face.

BODY FLUIDS See sticky.

GAS IN PUBLIC – First of all, I don’t ever want anyone to fart anywhere in my general area. It is just gross. I don’t care if it is natural . . . it is fucking gross. Secondly, if you burp try to be quiet about it and excuse yourself when you do it. I realize that it happens but you don’t have to burp loudly. I know one woman who will burp loudly anywhere and then say, “Excuussseeee me!” Then she is snarky when I give her a look. That is gross and not at all attractive. Have some manners.

I think these are the weirdest and/or biggest quirks I have. Some are pretty legitimate. I know it is funny. I get made fun of for many of these.

 

12 Comments
by trjensen on November 30, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in Life, Me
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Posted by trjensen on November 30, 2011

http://narcissistsblog.com/2011/11/30/you-are-so-weird/

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