When I was seventeen all of my friends had already lost their virginity. I don’t think I knew anyone who was a virgin. To make matters worse they had all lost their virginities at least a year before I did. I never really worried about being the only virgin I knew because no one knew I was a virgin, at least most people didn’t. It was common knowledge that most of the girls I hung out with were sexually active and the assumption was that I was too. I neither confirmed nor denied this assumption. By the time I turned seventeen I was more comfortable with acting on my urges with boys, which for me meant making out and dry humping.
I had the same best friend all through high school. Briana was everything I wasn’t. She was extrovert, strong and very comfortable with her sexuality. I envied her confidence and found it easy to hide in her shadow when I was uncomfortable. Briana was also my biggest instigator. She never asked me to do anything I didn’t want to but I compared myself to her constantly as the standard of the” All American” teenager. She had hit every milestone I thought I had missed and I created a timeline of milestones for myself based largely on Briana’s accomplishments.
One Saturday in late September, Bri spent the weekend at my house. We planned on going to a party that Saturday and sat in my room devising a plan to sneak out of the house so we could go. Sneaking out of my house was no small feat. We had done it before but we always found it helped to plan it out in advance. As the sun was setting we sat up in my room and came up with a way to get out of the house.
I lived in a federally subsidized townhouse on the edge of the desert town where I grew up. Once Bri and I were able to get outside everything would be easy. Getting out of the house was another story entirely. My mother had had chronic COPD for most of my youth. Because we lived in a two story apartment and my mother was on oxygen twenty four hours a day, she slept downstairs on the couch. Because of her breathing difficulties my mother was also a very light sleeper.
Once we had come up with a plan, we just had to execute it and wait for our ride. Phase one of the plan required that I sneak downstairs and unlock the front door of our house without being detected by my mother. I crept downstairs slouched over so that my mother couldn’t see me. When I reached the bottom of the stairs I sat down and stared at the front door for a moment, listening for any indication that my mom was up and moving around. “Teri?” my mother asked. “Fuck!” I mumbled under my breath. “Yes,” I responded. “Why aren’t you in bed? It is nearly eleven.” my mother inquired. I looked up at Bri standing at the top of the stairs. She rolled her eyes as I frantically tried to think of a lie. “I am using the bathroom. Bri is in the one upstairs.” I said. “Well use it and get to bed.” my mother said. I hurried into the bathroom which sat at a ninety degree angle from the front door. I went into the bathroom and waited a moment. I listened for my mother but didn’t hear her get up. I slowly opened the door and stepped quietly back into the hall. As I did, I quietly put my hand on the knob of the front door and unlocked it. Again I listened for any indication my mother had heard me. She was still on the couch. I stepped back into the bathroom flushed the toilet and darted back up the stairs.
Getting ready quickly and quietly was Phase two. Briana put on a pair of jeans and a black t-shirt. She was beautiful. I wore white leggings and tuxedo shirt. I looked like I was still in junior high. Phase three required us to do something I always hated doing but had done many times. We removed the screen from my second story bedroom window and made our way out onto the windows ledge. The two foot wide ledge actually ran along the entire front of the duplex building I lived in. As we quietly made our way out onto the ledge our ride pulled up and was directed by Bri to park in the school parking lot across the street. Briana sat on the ledge of the building, legs dangling and indicated for our escort to come help. When he arrived in the yard, Bri fearlessly jumped off the edge and he did his best to lessen the impact. I sat down and scooted to edge as Bri had. When I looked down at the boy and Briana standing in the yard I got dizzy. Bri said, “Jump damn it!” in annoyed voice I heard anytime she was feeling anxious. “He’ll catch you.” she said coaxing me to jump. I slide down further so that I was hanging off the ledge. I felt hands on both of my legs and I let go.
We made our way to the car and drove off to the middle of the desert. When we got to the kegger it seemed as though things were wrapping up. The keg was nearly empty so Bri and I camped out next to it drinking party cup after party cup of beer to ensure we would be drunk before the keg ran out. After about five cups of beer each, we were drunk and the keg was empty. Briana wandered off into the warm desert night to socialize and I found a huge rock nearby, sat down against it and stared up at the beautiful, starry night sky. I didn’t know many people at the party and I was more than content to enjoy my buzz alone.
Within the next twenty minutes word had spread that the keg was empty and people began to pile into cars to leave. Briana found me sitting alone and informed me that we were leaving and headed to another party. She pulled me up to my feet and we climbed back into the car we had arrived in. Two new boys were coming with us. Briana sat up front and I sat in the back with the guys. I had never seen the boy sitting next to me. He had brown hair and dark eyes. He was cute and I was drunk. We stared at each other for along moment and he scooted closer to me pressing his leg against mine. As I leaned forward to ask Briana where we were going I put my hand on the boy’s thigh. Without a reaction he took my hand moved it to his groin. She informed me that we were going to an empty house back in town. Satisfied with answer and a place I could make out with the cute guy sitting next to me I leaned back in my seat. His tongue was in my mouth before I could even get comfortable.
By the time we reached our destination, he was already grinding himself into my hip in the backseat. John, the boy sitting next to him had voiced his opinion about the awkwardness of our current situation very loudly several times. Everyone laughed but we proceeded making no attempt to make him comfortable. Our driver informed us that he would be back in an hour to pick us up if we planned on getting a ride home. We agreed we would be ready in an hour. The boys lead us to an open window on the side of the house and we climbed through one by one. John, who had been sharing the backseat with us tapped my make out partner on the shoulder and pointed out the where the bedrooms were. He promptly grabbed my hand and led me to the closest door.
Once inside he shut the door behind us and pulled me to him and began unbuttoning my shirt. As he did I realized I still didn’t know the boy’s name. “I don’t remember your name,” I said. “It’s Mike,” he said concentrating on undoing my shirt. “I’m Teri.” I said. As he guided me to the floor he said, “I know.” I was lying on my back in the empty room and realized for the first time that he had taken my shirt off. I had never let anyone even think about taking my clothes off. He lay down next to me and began pulling my pants down around my hips. I began to sober up rather quickly. What was I doing? Was I going to have sex with a kid whose name I had found out only moments ago? I took his hands and moved them to my chest. He smiled content for the moment with my suggested alternative. It gave me a moment to think.
I was certain that this boy did not go to my school1 and if I let him have sex with me I would lose my virginity and no one would have to know. I could just do it and would no longer be embarrassed answering when someone asked me if I had had sex. I was seventeen and the only virgin I knew. I resigned myself to the fact that it was time and in my half-drunk state my rationale seemed pretty sound. I wasn’t going to be a virgin after tonight.
My would-be lover grew tired of playing with my breasts and slid his hand down my stomach and into pants. I was on fire. I was experiencing a ton of first-time sensations in a matter of alcohol hazed moments. My hand found his wrist in the dark and I held it gently as he massaged me under my pants. My hips began to match the rhythm of his moving fingers. As his fingers searched vagina he began sliding one of his fingers inside me. My grip tightened on his wrist in an attempt to stop him. He pulled his hand out of my pants ran it up my side. I was trembling noticeably. “Are you okay?” he asked sliding between my legs and pressing himself into my me. “I am fine,” I answered. And he kissed me. As he rhythmically pressed himself up against me my body started matching his thrusts. While I was trying to determine whether or not I wanted to have sex my body decided I was absolutely ready.
Every part of my vagina was throbbing and screaming for more contact. He pushed himself up off of me just enough that he could look in my eyes and asked, “Can I fuck you?” After a moment of shock at his crude request I nodded.2 He slid my pants off and removed his as well. I was suddenly embarrassed. I couldn’t look at him. I had never seen an erection before.
He again situated himself between my legs rubbing my clitoris with his penis. When the anticipation had almost become unbearable he slid the head of his penis inside of me and removed it. He did this several times then leaned over me and pushed. I let out a little scream and felt an awful stabbing sensation that made me lightheaded. Without even realizing it I was scooting out from underneath him. I put my hands on his chest and pushed him up away from me. He stopped for a moment and I scooted back so I was lying with the back of my head resting against the wall, my chest rising and falling as though I had just finished a marathon and tears welling up in my eyes. He couldn’t see me very well but he could feel the tension in my body.
“Am I hurting you?” he asked. I nodded. He noted I was tight and asked if I wanted him to go slower. What I really wanted was to stop or to tell him that this was my first time but I was embarrassed. I nodded again and he took my hips and pulled me back underneath him. He slid inside me once again moving much slower than before. He buried his face in my neck. I bit down on my lip to keep from crying out again. I lay frozen underneath him. After a few minutes he began moving more quickly again and I let out little yelps of pain which seemed to make him move even more frantically. He quickly withdrew and came on my stomach. He lay down beside me. With his chest pressed against my breast I could feel his heart racing much like my own. He traced the contours of my stomach with his fingers and kissed my neck. My vagina was throbbing. My legs were shaking so badly I would have fallen if I would have tried to stand. He pushed himself up over me again and kissed me. “That was fun,” he said. I smiled at him. He sat up and looked around for his pants. When he found them he stood up, pulled them on and left me in the room, alone in the dark.
I lay there for several minutes trying not to cry from the discomfort I felt between my legs. I finally sat up and fumbled around for my pants. When I was dressed, I opened the door and found everyone in the living room. When I sat down next to Briana I noticed she had a black eye. She said that she had been wrestling with John and caught an elbow. We all sat around and talked until our ride showed up. On the way home we constructed a story that would explain why Briana had a black eye, an injury she had not had when we went to bed.3 It wouldn’t be the only story we would have to come up with.
When we got to my house we crept back upstairs, locking the front door behind us. When we reached my room Bri flipped on the light. “Oh my God Teri!” she exclaimed. “Did you start your period?” she tried to suppress her amusement. I looked down at my white pants. The crotch and inner thighs were covered in blood. As I looked at the mess tears again began to build up in my eyes. “No,” I answered with a shaky voice. “Did you lose your virginity?” she asked with much more concern in her voice now. I nodded and began to weep. She hugged me and promised not to tell anyone. “We’ll just tell your mom you started your period in the middle of the night,” she said. I went into the bathroom and took a shower to clean up. When I was finished I tried to clean the pants to no avail. I left them crumpled up on the floor.
I lay in bed that night not knowing what to feel. Was I supposed to like the boy I had slept with?3 I wasn’t sure if what had happened had meant anything. I wasn’t sure I wanted it to happen again. I hadn’t wanted to be a virgin and now I wasn’t but it hadn’t exactly gone the way I imagined it.
Briana kept her promise and never told anyone about how I lost my virginity. It didn’t matter because a few days later John, who had “wrestled” with Bri, cut class and returned to the house. He went into the room where I had had sex for the first time and saw the blood. I became known as the girl who had sex while she was on her period and soiled the hook up house forever.
1 Turns out he did in fact go to my school.
2 I don’t know what I expected him to say. I just guess I assumed the fact that it had gone that far was an indication that I wanted to proceed. It never occurred to me that he would ask. They didn’t ask in the movies. And I was not used to people using the word “fuck” to me in that context which is just hilarious now.
3 We told my mother that we were throwing stuffed animals at each other and one had hit Briana in the eye.
4 I did actually spend most of my senior year dating Mike off and on. Just after we broke up for the last time, in early June, I discovered I was pregnant.