All posts tagged emotion

Breakups are the Best Diets

I don’t really diet and I am not a heavy girl.  I typically weigh about 145lbs and I am 5’9”.  But when I am under any amount of emotional stress I generally don’t eat much and I start getting really active.  When I am sad my mind is generally preoccupied and eating is the last thing I am thinking about.  I eat if someone asks me if I’ve missed a meal but otherwise unless my stomach is growling I don’t eat.  I also exercise more.  The physical strain of a good run or workout allows me to focus on something other than my emotional pain so one two mile run turns into three, a walk and about thirty minutes on a bike or doing some strengthening.

All of my stress avoidance has resulted in a 10lb. drop in my weight in about ten days.  What an effective diet!  But seriously, yesterday I walked to the neighboring town about two miles away and ate half of a cheese pizza and drank a huge glass of soda.  After I did it I felt like I should probably go for a run so I ran the two miles back to the house after a pretty brisk two mile walk to the pizza place.  I am good at maintaining my weight and taking care of my body. Right now I am just not doing that.

The stress of emotional trauma can severely affect your physical health along with your emotional well-being.  Some people lose weight, some people gain weight during stressful periods in their lives.  The trick is not to overdo it.  You should keep to your normal diet and level of exercise.  If you are stressed and don’t get a lot of exercise then exercise can be a great way to distract yourself from other problems you may be experiencing.  You just have to do everything in moderation.  Supplementing one unhealthy situation with another isn’t helping anything.  You shouldn’t be punishing yourself because it easier than working through your emotional issues.

15 Comments
by trjensen on September 17, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Dating, Life, Me, Relationship
Tagged , , , , , ,

Posted by trjensen on September 17, 2012

http://narcissistsblog.com/2012/09/17/breakups-are-the-best-diets/

My “Up” Date

After spending practically two weeks doing absolutely nothing, because I would like slide under February’s radar for the rest of the month and I have been thinking way too much about everything and everyone, I decided I needed to get out of the house.   I have been pretty stressed out lately.  I had been having bad dreams and unpleasant conversations with unpleasant people.  All of it was taking its toll on my emotional wellbeing.

On Valentine’s Day I exchanged some texts with the Pretty Boy and we made plans to do something Saturday night.  I suggested we go out for drinks because the last time I had seen him was in no way, shape or form fun.  The conversation we had the following weekend wasn’t either.  I just wanted to go out, drink and make questionable decisions. He agreed that it sounded like a good time.

Saturday in the early afternoon I received a text from him informing me that he was super hung over from the night before.  I asked if that meant we weren’t doing anything and he said he wanted to wait a while before he decided whether or not he was up to it.  I was pretty angry and sent him a text saying that if he wasn’t feeling well there was nothing to be done and that I was bummed.   I was actually pretty pissed off.  I told my friend at that point it was probably wiser that we just called it off because I was in a foul mood.

Around 5:00 p.m. he im’d me on Facebook and said he still wanted to do something and I decided I still really did too.  He wasn’t up for drinking which is what I had planned on so when he showed up he asked me what else we could do.  I mentioned I hadn’t eaten and so we decided on dinner and a movie. We chatted and laughed while we ate and then I ordered a beer.  We headed into the theater and when the flick was over we went back to his place.

We woke up in the morning but it was nearly noon before we got out of bed.  We headed to the gym.  I did cardio and while he lifted.  When we were finished we grabbed some food and sat in silence almost the entire time.  I was having flash backs of my visit two week prior, when he was hurt.  I pulled his phone out and toyed with it.  I asked him what he was thinking about and he said he was looking at motorcycles.  He turned his phone around to show me.  I did have a nice series of conversations with our waitress though.

When we left he dropped me off at home.  He was silent the entire time so I just rambled on and on about everything that I could think of.  When I got out of the car I asked him if he was okay and he told me he had a headache.  I joked that I had given him the headache and he said that he had it since we left the gym.  I asked him why he didn’t just say something.  He shrugged and I shut the door and walked to my apartment.  * But the sex was amazing and I could never get tired of seeing that man naked. So… the evening/morning weren’t a complete “blah.”

He has a lot going on.  I know and I understand, as much as I can, what he is going through.  My issue is he won’t talk about it and when he does, if I have anything to say he doesn’t respond at all.  He has a wall so tall and thick that it makes mine look like a chain link fence.  If I talk to him about how I am doing, he does nothing more than acknowledge I am speaking.

He is not the same guy I started dating.  He isn’t able to see his daughter because he is filling for partial custody and has to have limited contact until that happens.  He misses his daughter terribly.  He is also worried about his finances and myriad of other things.  I try to get him to talk about it and he won’t.  He just isn’t really capable of even dating right now.  He is so emotionally spent and every time I see him angry or quiet I want to scream at him. I want to be there so he can talk about it but he seldom does.  It is like trying to make a dent in a wall with a cooked spaghetti noodle.

I feel bad for him but I won’t let him make me feel bad too.  I want to help but he doesn’t want me too.  I am just frustrated and I want someone I can lean on and who can lean on me.  I am so agitated.  He won’t ask for help and won’t accept it.  I can’t do anything but back off and that is exactly what I am going to do.

34 Comments
by trjensen on February 21, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Dating, Life, Me, Relationship, Sex
Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Posted by trjensen on February 21, 2012

http://narcissistsblog.com/2012/02/21/my-up-date/

Back to the Drawing Board (Kinda’)

So I finally sucked it up.  I did what I should have done two weeks ago.  I am not sure I would have been any happier with the outcome then but I did what I needed to do nonetheless.  I just needed to know and now I do.  The funny thing is I am not really pissed off about what happened, just feeling a little put out.

I finally decided to talk to the Pretty Boy about the status of things.  I needed to know where we were and how he was feeling about things.  I have been making myself crazy and after the weirdness last Tuesday I just wanted an update so I texted him this afternoon and told him I have been making myself crazy.  I told him that I was at the point when dating someone where I start to second guess myself a lot and I needed to ask him a question.  He sent me a text back and asked if I could call him because he was driving.  I told him I had people over but that I would call him in a little while.  After about fifteen minutes of trying to mentally prepare myself I went in my room and called.  We chit chatted for a while about what had been going on with him and about my knee (which feels ten times better today) and then…

Me: So I need to ask you a question.  I hate second guessing myself and I am feeling a little bit confused about where we stand.

PB: Okay… (with a slight hint of hesitation) Shoot.

Me: Um… [PB,] do you want to keep seeing me?

PB: (nervous laugh) Uh… Do you mean the way we have been, what we’ve been doing or something more?

Me: I mean do you still want to keep seeing me?  Do you still want us to date?

PB: Sure, I mean I like what is happening now but if you are asking about something more then probably not.

Me: Oh! Okay.  Well I wanted to know and I guess we should have finished our conversation the last time I brought it up but then I chickened out.

PB: My dating life is kind of crazy.  I go through phases where I want to have a relationship and get married and then I go through periods where I just want to be a hermit and hide out in my room and not see anyone. Right now I am trying to find some middle ground.

Me: I get that.  I think in that respect we are sort of in the same place.  I just needed to know so I wasn’t making myself crazy.

PB: Okay. (nervous laugh again)

Me: …

PB: …

Me: Well I’ll let you finish making your dinner.  I’ll talk to you later.

PB: Oh! Okay.  Have a nice night.

Then I hung up.  I don’t know how I feel about this but I do know how I feel about being someone’s trial and error, pseudo girlfriend.  I don’t think the Pretty Boy is an asshole.  He wants to have fun and he wants me to, too but I don’t just want to have fun.  We both agreed we wouldn’t be having sex with anyone else but I don’t want a fuck buddy dammit.  I want a boyfriend and he doesn’t want a girlfriend.

I am not sad.  I wanted to know but we definitely do not want the same thing right now.  The problem is now that I know… I should back off.  I do like hanging out with him but I know it would ultimately result in more sex.  Right now I don’t know how I feel about him.  I know I can’t invest in him anymore emotionally.  I do think I could continue to have sex with him but at some point my emotions are going to get the better of me and I’ll be in the same place I was with the last guy I dated.

Shit, shit, shit!  I am so frustrated.  I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me but I am still frustrated.  I am not pissed at PB because he was honest.  I am guessing he thinks I am upset with him and I am not.  I am not going to call him.  If he calls me then I’ll have to think about what I want to do but I think if I leave the ball in his court then this may all just go away.  That is probably easiest.  I’d still like to see him but I am going to leave that up to him.

32 Comments
by trjensen on February 12, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Dating, Me, Relationship
Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Posted by trjensen on February 12, 2012

http://narcissistsblog.com/2012/02/12/back-to-the-drawing-board-kinda/

I Am So Screwed!!!!! @?#$!

What I want right now is for everything to go as well with Pretty Boy as it has been going.  I have known PB for about six months because we have mutual friends and enemies.  We went on our second date last night.  We had a great time.  We had planned on going to the movies but he suggested we grab a drink beforehand so we headed to a bar nearby.  We had a beer and started talking.  We never made it to the theater.

I like this guy a lot.  I love talking to him.  He is funny and intelligent and we have similar interests.  I was actually nervous getting ready before our date.  It has been almost two years since I have liked a man this much or this quickly.  The last time I wound up broken hearted and completely emotionally shut down for nearly another six months.  The potential of this makes me feel anxious and is causing me to be a little more reserved than I should be.  I know he is nothing like the man who broke my heart.  The similarities actually stop at how I feel.

I do genuinely like him and part of me is trying to fight it.  It is too soon for me to feel this way about him and I really run the risk of completely freaking him out or totally shutting down and leaving him to assume I am not interested.  I just want this one thing.  I want this to work.  I want to get past whatever emotional road block starts making me act all screwy once I realize I could very easily have feelings for a man.

Oh God! I really like him, like junior high, butterflies in my stomach like him.  I still don’t want to rush because I need to take it slow.  We are going out again next Friday.  We are going to do a little shopping then he is going to make me dinner.  I am excited, happy and absolutely scared shitless that I might fuck this up.

 

28 Comments
by trjensen on January 21, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Dating, Me, Relationship
Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

Posted by trjensen on January 21, 2012

http://narcissistsblog.com/2012/01/21/i-am-so-screwed/

In Defense of Casual Sex

I woke up this morning and did my usual scan for interesting blog posts and news articles.  I spent most of the morning reading. (I was actually up before noon without an alarm!)  One of my favorite blogger friends posted an article about casual sex that I found interesting.  It is a very good post and definitely worth checking out.  The article addresses some of the perils of casual sex.  I read it and wanted to respond but knew that it would be a long response. I  decided to address the subject in a post of my own.

Casual sex has been an instrumental part of my emotional development when it comes to dating, not because I use sex as a means of manipulation but because the emotional aspects of sex were actually hurting my search for a stable intimate relationship.  I, like many women I know, had a difficult time separating emotion from sex.  The two were interlinked in my mind.  If I had sex with someone, if I shared myself in that intimate way, I was supposed to feel an emotional connection to them and I did.  There was no such thing as casual sex for me even when it was clear at the onset that sex was the only thing on the menu.  I was what my blogger friend referred to as a “chickastalkarazzi.”  I would be desperate to drag out something that never was, only prolonging my misery.

It was instilled in me before I hit puberty that women only had sex with men they loved and that the gift of giving yourself to a man meant a connection that would last a lifetime.  It meant forever.  In essence I grew up believing sex meant you were automatically in love and that in some way sex meant a relationship.  As I became sexually active I learned that this was not the truth yet still I felt that my relationships with men were anomalies.  So I tried over and over until I became frustrated with the idea of a lasting relationship and stopped dating until earlier this year when I found myself hurt, yet again, by the myth that was ingrained in me as a youth.

After a considerable amount of heartbreak I decided to address the one thing I felt was truly holding me back from an honest connection that could result in a relationship, my premature emotional attachment.   I began to date casually; the sole purpose for those dates was to develop a physical connection with someone I found attractive without becoming irrationally emotionally attached to men who were not emotionally available.  I did so for about three or four months and better than doubled my number of sexual partners.

It really wasn’t about the sex for me but about changing a mindset that had crippled me emotionally. (I also abstained from sex for thirteen years so having lots of it was nice as well.)  I had rules during this exercise.

  • No more dates once we slept together.
  • No one spent the night and I never slept at anyone’s house.
  • I forced myself to be open with them.

I stuck to the rules and not once did I confuse what I was feeling.  I also learned a lot that I have carried with me as resumed my search.

  • If you are completely open without fear of judgment the judgment seems less harsh if there is judgment at all.
  • You realize far earlier on whether or not there is potential for something more significant than just a few dates.
  •  If you are honest and unashamed then men will be honest too.  You may not like that honesty but then you can make an informed decision about whether or not proceed.  You are basing your decision to proceed on things he has admitted to you rather than what you assume.

Never during the course of that period did I just go to a bar and pick up a guy.  It always just started as a date.  As unorthodox as this approach may seem I can honestly say that if it weren’t for casual sex I may never have understood dating.  I would never have found what I was looking for because I had a skewed idea of the role sex played in my interactions with the opposite sex.

I believe that there are certainly perils when it comes to casual sex but sometimes it can be beneficial.  Sometimes sex with no pretense can be good.  It can be dangerous too but so can a relationship.  Like anything it can be as simple or complicated as you make it.  Casual sex isn’t for everyone but sometimes, just sometimes, it can be exactly what you need.

106 Comments
by trjensen on December 2, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in Dating, Me, Relationship, Sex
Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

Posted by trjensen on December 2, 2011

http://narcissistsblog.com/2011/12/02/%ef%bb%bfin-defense-of-casual-sex/

In Search of a Relationship: Part I

After not dating for thirteen years, I started dating… a lot.  I came to the realization as my son reached adulthood that I had an opportunity to have a grown up social life.  I could go anywhere and do anything and keep it separate from my home life.  My son had moved out of the house and working from home had allowed me to go out, spend more time with friends and left me thinking exhaustively about what my life could be.  During the endless hours I spent dreaming about traveling, writing and experiencing everything I felt I had put on hold to raise my son in a stable, financially secure environment, I found that I didn’t want to experience those things alone.

I was surprised by the growing yearning I had for companionship.  I had always prided myself on my independence and self-reliance.  I knew emphatically that what ever life threw at me I had always found a way to get navigate my little family through the stormy and tumultuous periods in our lives safely.  But now I found myself longing for a partner, someone I could share the new period of my life with, so my search began, my search for someone who would be with me because I they wanted to be.  Someone who would be as dedicated to me as I was to them and stand by me through thick and thin.

When I started dating a year ago, I assumed that dating would be much easier now that I was older and that establishing a healthy long term relationship was just around the corner.  It was not.  Dating was hard and confusing.  I struggled with myself, trying to stop the habit I had developed at much younger age.  I always tried to make a bad thing work.  After an unsuccessful attempt at sustaining a nonexistent relationship at the beginning of the year, I was left heartbroken and afraid that maybe I would be better off by myself after all.  I didn’t have very much control over my emotions and tried too hard to build a relationship feeling everything for myself and my intended partner.

After a significant mourning period (which now seems silly even to me) I decided that I might try to date more casually taking the pressure off of myself and developing my own method of controlling how much I felt for a given individual.  I went on many dates.  I would date a man once or twice.  Although men often continued to ask me out, dating for me was an exercise in self control and I became very good at it.  I actually became pretty good at dating.  I wasn’t nervous and had few expectations when it came to what would happen when I went out with men.  I stopped worrying about how I would be viewed and simply enjoyed my time with the men who requested I spend time with them.

I was ready to try again…

2 Comments
by trjensen on November 8, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in Dating, Me, Relationship
Tagged , , , , , , ,

Posted by trjensen on November 8, 2011

http://narcissistsblog.com/2011/11/08/in-search-of-a-relationship-part-i/

Your Friend is a Whore!

My life and how I conduct myself has changed dramatically this year.  I spent of most of 2010 working on my list and learning to focus on me and what I need.  This year my focus has shifted.  This year I am focusing on what I want.  And what I want is physical companionship. There were many areas of my life where I felt a void. One of the most important was, for the first time in my life, I actually wanted a relationship.  I met someone that I really felt I could spend the rest of my life with.

When I was younger, I often felt confused about what a relationship really was.  In my opinion a relationship was spending more time with someone you had feelings for. You spent a lot of time fighting about cheating and screaming at each other, then you had make up sex.  It wasn’t about trust or comfort; it was simply about having someone there regardless of the stability of my relationships.

After much self-reflection I felt I was finally in a place where I could maintain a healthy long term relationship, one free of the rocky peaks I had experienced when I was younger.  I better understood what I needed and what was expected of me.  I fell in love with one of my friends and after several months of casual dating.  I wanted him and didn’t even consider how he might feel about it.  I assumed at some point he would want the same thing and I waited patiently.   It never happened and I found myself lost in a sea of misery and defeat.

It took me several months to move past that phase of self-pity and heartache.  I had put all my eggs in one basket.  When I felt ready to date I began to see men casually.  I was still hurting but desired a minimal degree of physical companionship.  The lack of control I held over my own emotions in intimate situations had resulted in severe heartbreak.  By dating and engaging in casual relationships I began to understand that I could separate emotion and sex. 

I enjoy casual dating.  I enjoy casual sex.  Both of these behaviors are new to me and I enjoy getting to spend time with men.  I am far less worried about being hurt.  The pressure is off.  I am meeting a specific need.  I am less stressed out about dating and I am happy.  I maintained friendships with many of the men I date.  We can date or we can develop a friendship.  For now it has to be one or the other.  I don’t want to confuse the nature of my relationships.  Right now I need maintain control of how I feel and by separating the men I feel I can truly maintain a friendship with I can stay in control of myself.

I am still hoping for a relationship.  I am still looking for the right man but I am also enjoying my new experiences.  I now my behavior and overall attitude toward sex seems drastically different.  I enjoy sex and I enjoy spending time with men.  I just haven’t met one that I want to devote all of my time to.  I’ll know it when I do.  Some of my friends are baffled by my behavior but most have been very supportive.  I appreciate them allowing me to grow and experience with being judgmental.  My life is amazing.  My self-esteem is through the roof.  My normal anxiousness is almost non-existent. I happy and optimistic!  I am finally moving forward, learning and growing.

2 Comments
by trjensen on August 30, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in Dating, Me, Relationship, Sex
Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

Posted by trjensen on August 30, 2011

http://narcissistsblog.com/2011/08/30/your-friend-is-a-whore/

Sex vs. Connection

I think I need to go back to the list for a little while.  I have been doing a lot of exploration of my boundaries lately partially because I need to explore how far I can comfortably push myself and still be contented with my actions.  I am also accumulating many experiences so rapidly I hardly have time to examine them all and spending time reflecting on each one has proven exhausting. 

I have had a strange two weeks.  I have been exploring my sexuality, which is something I spent the bulk of my twenties and early thirties ignoring.  I have also been trying to make myself feel guilty for seeking out those experiences as my last post reflected but I really don’t feel bad or undervalued.  I am still growing and learning although my actions of late may seem counterproductive given my ultimate desire to have a companion. 

I do not feel badly about myself for the choices I have made lately as I do not believe they are a reflection of poor moral character and have not been emotionally damaging to me in the slightest.  If anything I feel like I am building up an emotional resistance and learning to delay emotional responses until they are appropriate.  If my last pseudo relationship taught me anything it is that I do not want anything or anyone to hurt me so deeply again.

Casual dating may seem to be juxtaposed but I see a means to an end.  I am not seeking a relationship at the moment because I still feel that I am ultimately a slave to my emotions and I am trying to rein them in.  To me it is more about the experience and I am learning to separate what is really important to me in a relationship.  I am learning what I want both physically and emotionally.

By taking emotion out of recent experiences I am better equipped to determine what is important to me in regard personal needs.  I need reliability and honesty.  I need people to be upfront and I need to be able to give others those things if I want them in return.  Right now I am focused on openness in a physical sense.  While I have made great strides to grow personally and to truly love who I am (and I DO,) I need to learn to be open and communicate better in vulnerable situations with others.   Right now, that is what I am doing.

I am not allowing myself to be used.  I am merely exploring what I am and am not capable of. I have no desire to become a man eater (that made me laugh just writing it) or to become emotionally vulnerable to men I know aren’t going to be open to relationship with me given the circumstances of our interactions.  I am just focusing on understanding that in myself and learning to control how I feel about that area of a relationship. 

I am still growing.  I still have my eye on the prize.  I just need to work on not taking things so personal and better determine what is expected of me.  I misinterpret a lot because I feel such a strong emotional tie between sex and a sense of intimacy.  I am learning that I can control the intimacy part and I need to be able to do that.  No more confusion, I want to be able to share something with someone because I choose to not because I can’t seem to separate the two.  

2 Comments
by trjensen on August 11, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in Dating, Me, Relationship, Sex
Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

Posted by trjensen on August 11, 2011

http://narcissistsblog.com/2011/08/11/sex-vs-connection/

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