So I finally sucked it up. I did what I should have done two weeks ago. I am not sure I would have been any happier with the outcome then but I did what I needed to do nonetheless. I just needed to know and now I do. The funny thing is I am not really pissed off about what happened, just feeling a little put out.
I finally decided to talk to the Pretty Boy about the status of things. I needed to know where we were and how he was feeling about things. I have been making myself crazy and after the weirdness last Tuesday I just wanted an update so I texted him this afternoon and told him I have been making myself crazy. I told him that I was at the point when dating someone where I start to second guess myself a lot and I needed to ask him a question. He sent me a text back and asked if I could call him because he was driving. I told him I had people over but that I would call him in a little while. After about fifteen minutes of trying to mentally prepare myself I went in my room and called. We chit chatted for a while about what had been going on with him and about my knee (which feels ten times better today) and then…
Me: So I need to ask you a question. I hate second guessing myself and I am feeling a little bit confused about where we stand.
PB: Okay… (with a slight hint of hesitation) Shoot.
Me: Um… [PB,] do you want to keep seeing me?
PB: (nervous laugh) Uh… Do you mean the way we have been, what we’ve been doing or something more?
Me: I mean do you still want to keep seeing me? Do you still want us to date?
PB: Sure, I mean I like what is happening now but if you are asking about something more then probably not.
Me: Oh! Okay. Well I wanted to know and I guess we should have finished our conversation the last time I brought it up but then I chickened out.
PB: My dating life is kind of crazy. I go through phases where I want to have a relationship and get married and then I go through periods where I just want to be a hermit and hide out in my room and not see anyone. Right now I am trying to find some middle ground.
Me: I get that. I think in that respect we are sort of in the same place. I just needed to know so I wasn’t making myself crazy.
PB: Okay. (nervous laugh again)
Me: Well I’ll let you finish making your dinner. I’ll talk to you later.
PB: Oh! Okay. Have a nice night.
Then I hung up. I don’t know how I feel about this but I do know how I feel about being someone’s trial and error, pseudo girlfriend. I don’t think the Pretty Boy is an asshole. He wants to have fun and he wants me to, too but I don’t just want to have fun. We both agreed we wouldn’t be having sex with anyone else but I don’t want a fuck buddy dammit. I want a boyfriend and he doesn’t want a girlfriend.
I am not sad. I wanted to know but we definitely do not want the same thing right now. The problem is now that I know… I should back off. I do like hanging out with him but I know it would ultimately result in more sex. Right now I don’t know how I feel about him. I know I can’t invest in him anymore emotionally. I do think I could continue to have sex with him but at some point my emotions are going to get the better of me and I’ll be in the same place I was with the last guy I dated.
Shit, shit, shit! I am so frustrated. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me but I am still frustrated. I am not pissed at PB because he was honest. I am guessing he thinks I am upset with him and I am not. I am not going to call him. If he calls me then I’ll have to think about what I want to do but I think if I leave the ball in his court then this may all just go away. That is probably easiest. I’d still like to see him but I am going to leave that up to him.