I decided I needed to offer a little more insight into the topic of dating a single mom. One of the scariest things for any single mother is letting a man into her children’s lives. It isn’t always the fear that someone might physically harm her child(ren) but that they run the risk of being emotionally damaged by her decision.
Single mothers, especially new single mothers, often feel the pressure to find a man while their child is still small. The more present that man is at an early age, the more likely the child is to accept and truly bond with him and vice versa. This pressure can stem from insecurity, a genuine need for support or misconception about how they may be perceived by society.
This puts women in a very precarious position. They run the risk of falling prey to one of the most common types of douche bag. I don’t know one single mother who hasn’t date this man and he is the reason she is cautious when she dates from that point further. This is a necessary lesson although a painful one to learn.
Every single mom dates the guy who will try to get to her by using her kids. She usually dates him early in her new role as a parent. I didn’t date much when my son was small and never involved men in my family so I learned this lesson when my son was much older. Men who aren’t serious about a relationship with a single mother often try to get her attention by expressing an interest in her child(ren). This is very enticing for a single mom. She has often resigned herself to the fact that she will have a difficult time finding someone to accept her circumstances let alone seem to embrace them. Men who do this are despicable.
This is generally the first timeshe will see her child’s heart break and it also the reason she will forever be hesitant to allow a man to be involved with her children. This “man” is an important part of learning how to be a single parent. He is a necessary evil. If you find yourself wanting a real relationship with a single mom you have to let her accept you in her own time. Don’t focus too much on her children or push the idea of group outings involving her kids.
She has learned her lesson and when she is ready to share her life with you she will. Don’t push her because odds are that her distance has nothing to do with how she feels about you and everything to do with wanting to protect her kids.
Posted by trjensen on April 23, 2012
I was recently having a conversation with one of my male friends about my hang ups with dating and my most recent partner. I was discussing how drastically my taste in men had changed and how the men I most found myself attracted to were typically not very liberal thinkers. This, I noted, was one the biggest problems I encountered when conversing with men I find attractive. He replied by agreeing with me but noted that I always seemed to be attracted to misogynists.
I was kind of shocked by his observation initially. The men I am attracted to now seem to be more conservative in the views on… well, everything but I didn’t really feel like this had always been true. These men are typically more brawn and less free thinking. They have opinions on women and where they stand on the superiority ladder. I am very independent, intelligent and not afraid to add my two cents if I feel it is warranted. These are not traits most of the men that I am attracted to find appealing in a woman.
After a few moments of confused conversation he began citing examples of misogynistic behavior in the men I have been attracted to far before I found myself slobbering over blue collar, good with their hands type of men. I thought about it and had to admit that even when I was looking for someone with like interests, artsy, overly educated, liberal men they still seemed to feel like women were the weaker of the sexes. We began to discuss at some length why this was the case for me.
In summary it ultimately boils down to the fact that when I feel something for a man I tend to concede my position in our relationship. If something about me is repeatedly pointed out as an area of concern I have been known to downplay that aspect of who I am. I ultimately convince myself that I need that man more than he needs me. It soon becomes an issue for me as it leads to a dependency on my part. I become needy and clingy. Although to some extent that is my potential partners desired outcome, to take me down a few notches, I become “that girl,“ the crazy irrationally clingy and emotional girl who scares the shit out of men.
I am still trying to find a balance between being intimidating and just scary. I don’t know that I am emotionally ready to give up all of my desire to accommodate but I know that I need to change the way I conduct myself with the men I date. Physically I am attracted to who I am attracted to but I need to find a man who is comfortable with who I am and where my strengths lie. I have come to realize I lose a lot of myself to accommodate men when it comes to relationships.
I don’t do that in other aspects of my life. I am sort of a take me or leave me kind of woman. I have worked very hard to become more pleasant and social. I have focused on giving people respect. In certain instances, where I find it impossible we simply part ways but I always try to stay open minded and optimistic. With men I am drawn to… I just roll over. It is something I still struggle with and it is something I need to work on. If I can respect people who differ emotionally or intellectually then it is not unreasonable that I get the same in return.
I am a little afraid this means I might be alone forever. I don’t need you to take care of me or support me but in some ways I would sure like you to. I don’t really see the difference but I guess there is one. I have made mistakes lately. I know my faults in recent relationships, I absolutely misrepresented myself. I was not stifling a lot of who I am. I was hiding parts of myself I am proud of and that never works out well. I did so to seem more meek and naïve, thus becoming more appealing. It is one of the most detrimental things I do. I need to be appreciated for who I am. Not dating fucking misogynists is probably a good place to start because there is nothing about me that is weak or unequal. The sooner I stop acting like there is, the better off I will be.
Posted by trjensen on July 2, 2011