This list was surprisingly difficult for me to create. There are plenty of things I don’t like but every time I started the list, what I was writing made me sound like an asshole. I have tried to modify the list. Some of the facts still illustrate my capacity for douche-ness but I decided I really don’t care.
- I do not like watching or talking about reality television. I really have no interest in the unscripted television format. I recently had an old professor ask me what type of writing I did professionally and for my blog. I told her that I wrote about my dating life. She said, “So you write fiction.” I misinterpreted her statement initially taking offense to the implication that what I was writing was false. She explained that personal accounts are relative and bias so it was hardly a full account of actual events. Reality television is like that. It is all the “best” parts cut down into 30 or 60 minute pieces.
- Looking at and especially touching people’s feet are somethings I prefer not to do. Feet are gross. People think penises look weird. Look at someone’s toes. Yuck!
- I don’t like washing dishes or cleaning bathrooms.
- I don’t like using port-a-potties. I will only use one if I absolutely have to. Portable toilets are fucking disgusting.
- I don’t like to speak in front of a crowd. I can do it if I am teaching or if what I have to say is brief but I don’t like doing it. It makes me anxious and kind of nauseous.
- I hate going to weddings. This is a fairly new development. It is due in large part to the fact that I want to punch happy couples in the face.
- I don’t like to talk on the phone. If I haven’t spoken to someone in quite a while and can actually have conversation, that is fine. Calling just to chat when we text or message each other regularly… then why call? I prefer not to be on the phone. The only exception to that rule is when it comes to the men I date. I don’t mind them calling.
- I don’t like to be the only sober person in a room full of drunks. I have little patience for drunks unless I am drunk as well.
- I don’t like to dance in public. Don’t ask because regardless of how drunk I am and/or how hot you are it isn’t going to happen.
- I don’t like to go on blind dates. I have to meet a guy first in a group setting or I won’t even entertain the idea of a date.
- I don’t like to cry in front of people. It doesn’t matter how much I like you or how close I feel to you, I hate to cry in front of anyone. I feel the same way about it as I do public speaking. If I do then I definitely need a hug and don’t be surprised if I don’t speak to you for a while after.
- I hate humoring people. If I say I don’t like something or I don’t want to do something then take me at my word because I can be pretty unpleasant when I am uncomfortable.
- I don’t like to check my online dating profile inbox. I find it pretty painful.
- I don’t like to talk to or listen to people I find unattractive talk about sex. I don’t want to visualize you like that. Those images are hard to get out of my head. Of course I do have these discussions because I write about sex but… I rather have my pubic hair plucked out with tweezers.
- I don’t like having to repeat myself during sex. I don’t want to have to teach a grown man something that supposedly comes more naturally to him than it does me.
And there you have it. I could keep going but I fear it would make me seem far more misanthropic than I am.