I talk a lot about casual sex because casual sex is amazing. I truly believe casual sex can be a beneficial part of feeling empowered. Controlling your emotions in intimate situations can be of great benefit to you in many aspects of your life. Over the course of my series on casual sex I have had women express to me that casual sex left them feeling empty, used or ashamed.
First let make it clear, I don’t have sex with anyone I don’t feel some sort of connection with. If I don’t feel something drawing me to a partner then I am not going to have sex with them. It is just that simple. I have only been in a casual sex situation twice in the past few years when I felt like I didn’t connect with my partner at all. That made feel a little “bleh” about the experience and the guy.
Do you want to know why this happened? Why I suspect women feel empty or ashamed after casual sex? The reason I felt uncertain and a little uneasy about the entire experience was because I wasn’t sure I wanted to sleep with those men in the first place.
If you aren’t sure that you want to have sex with someone then don’t have sex with them. I don’t care if you went home with the guy and now you are feeling a little more uncertain; if you aren’t comfortable or positive then tell the dude you don’t want to have sex. Your vagina is attached to you. You need to be picky about who you are going to let stick their tongues, fingers, fists and or dicks inside your pussy. She is your friend and she deserves the best you can provide her.
When you aren’t certain you want to be intimate with someone and you aren’t really feeling what you are supposed to before sex then don’t have sex because odds are that you aren’t going to be feeling too great about what happened if you weren’t sure you wanted to be intimate to begin with. If you are having casual sex then you should be sure you are okay with what you are doing and who you are doing it with.
Even in casual situations I always feel a very real intimate connection with my partner. I have always had some positive emotional connection with the men I have sex with. When I talk about the power of casual sex I am talking about controlling your emotional self. It is an exercise in emotional control but you should always feel something when you are having sex. You are literally connected to another person. If you are coming up blank then even I don’t see the point of fucking.
If you aren’t feeling connected to your partner, even casual ones, then something is up. You should be sleeping with partners who make you feel something. Like I’ve said before… I always feel a connection when I have sex and when the X-rated part has ended so does the connection. I don’t want to have sex without some level of intimate connection because if I did, I probably wouldn’t feel good about the experience and I’d probably feel bad about myself.
I have sex because I am meeting some important needs. It satisfies my desire for physical affection, intimacy and emotional connection. Whether or not the sex is casual I always feel those things because if I didn’t… I wouldn’t do it.
Posted by trjensen on June 20, 2012
I just spent the better part of an hour trying to find a definition of slut that I could stand behind. According to the authors of the book The Ethical Slut, a slut is “a person of any gender who has the courage to lead life according to the radical proposition that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you.” I am going to write the rest of this post using this as the working definition of the term. If you don’t agree with the definition then you probably aren’t going to want to finish reading this post.
Let me start off by saying I hate the term slut. There is such a gross double standard about male/ female sexual conduct. Men are permitted to enjoy and indulge in their basic urges while women are shamed and labeled for that same behavior. Regardless of how you define the term I would most likely be categorized as a slut. I like sex. I have sex. Doing so is completely natural and healthy. I have also had what most would consider a lot of partners. Given my age and the fact that I have been single the bulk of the time I have been sexually active I do believe my number of partners is reasonable.
I want a relationship so I date. When I am dating I have sex. If I stop seeing that person then I start dating someone else. We eventually have sex and the cycle keeps going. Anyone who is in my position is in a cycle that increases your number of partners. That doesn’t make me promiscuous that means I am looking for something I haven’t found yet. And like I have said a million times, I am not buying a car without test driving it.
Do I have sex when I am not dating someone? Yes because I like sex. Sometimes I am just not in a place where trying to be in a relationship is a good idea. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to be touched or that my need for intimacy/connection is diminished. It simply means I am not in a place where I can deal with more than something short term. So if my feelings are hurt and I am not ready to really put myself out there with someone again it doesn’t mean I don’t still want to feel needed and desired. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to connect with someone and sex helps me meet those needs.
I like sex and I really don’t think that enjoying sex is a bad thing. I don’t think admitting any of this makes me immoral or says anything poor about my character. I think it means I am human and I have the same urges as everyone else. I just act on them. I meet my needs. So why is being a slut a bad thing? The difference between “good” girls and sluts is that the latter tends to be more open about who they are and what they want.
I have said this over and over again. How many partners you’ve had shouldn’t matter. If you respect people and treat them the way you want to be treated that’s what is important. I am a slut and I don’t feel bad about it.
Posted by trjensen on May 2, 2012
It is amazing, even to me, how fragile my ego is. I am sad. I am sad because of a guy… again. For the first time since the fiasco late last year I genuinely wanted to like someone. Turns out wanting to like someone and wanting someone to like you hurt just about equally but at least it has me writing. I’ll be okay. I always am even when I don’t feel like I am going to be. I think sometimes I just want to stay in this state of hurt and shattered ego so I am okay with being alone.
I guess my biggest issue is I really don’t understand what I am doing wrong. I know that I am mis-stepping somewhere. I am just not sure where or when that is happening. I am not afraid to ask what it is that has changed. It isn’t because I hate myself or because I want to feel sorry for myself. I really want to understand what is happening. I am still making it difficult for men to see a future with me and I want to understand why that is.
I ask and get no answers. And I am then left replaying what has transpired and trying to figure out what still needs to change in my behavior. I want to be able to function in a relationship and not feel like I need to second guess myself. I really felt like I had reached that place but apparently I haven’t, the place where I can relax and just enjoy someone’s company. I guess it is acceptance that I am struggling with. But that is something I guess I have always had trouble with.
Rejection is hard regardless of gender or the stage you are getting to know someone. Wanting to connect with someone is amazing and rare in my experience. I still need to work on some things I guess. It would be easier if I understood what they were.
Posted by trjensen on September 24, 2011