Earlier this year I wrote a piece about a male friend of mine and his absolutely insane decision to move a girl with two kids into his house after three weeks of dating. She was telling him she loved him after four days but that is not the point… actually that is exactly the point. Men throw the word crazy around like ever woman on the planet has some form of mental illness. (And fuck you because I am not crazy!) They always say it like it’s a bad thing. It is something men say when describing a girl who’s having trouble letting go, who cries or expresses emotion about some other dickhole thing he said or did.
Then one magical day it is just cute and perfect and completely normal that you would invite a woman you barely know to live with you because she told you she was in love four days after meeting you. To me that is fucking crazy. That is irrational and quite frankly a tad bit desperate. What is done is done and I have surmised that men may think showing emotion is crazy but committing to someone you barely know right out of the gate is just fucking dumb.
I digress. What I am really want to say is, “I told you so!” My dear friend and his cuckoo bananas girlfriend broke up. I really thought that relationship might have some longevity. I thought surely moving Ms. Crazy as a Bag of Hair into your house was a really sane decision and would make for such a healthy relationship. I am not sure who is actually crazier.
So the beautiful part of this whole story is now, she has no place to go. Yup! She and her child are still living in his house, posting private things about their breakup and throwing the occasional “I Will Survive” post when she’s feeling slightly manic. It is like watch a slow motion animated train wreck. It makes something tragic vastly easier to deal with and pretty amusing, especially for everyone that tried to warn both of them about the inevitable outcome to their zany relationship.
I’ve talked to him once since all this has happened. I hopped onto FB Messenger the second I saw him log in. He said he just really wanted her to find a place to live. After all the advice sought and disregarded, he chose to be crazy with her. Now he just has some girl with nowhere to go living in his house. A girl who is posting way too much information on Facebook about things their friends don’t need to know. I just want to take a moment to say “Yay to over-sharers!”
So just to recap…
Dude thinking: If a girl shows emotion that isn’t blind adoration for her partner, she is crazy. If she tells him she loves him before she’s seen his apartment she is just cute as bug’s ear and the kind gal a guy wants to commit to.
This girl’s thinking: When I see a man fall head over heels for some girl whose sole purpose for living seems to be spending time with this guy she just met, that is fucking crazy. Any girl who says she loves you and wants to move right into the relationship thing isn’t going to stay “cute” crazy for long. If somebody told me they were in love with me after a couple of dates, I would probably be googling restraining orders.
And men say women are irrational and illogical… Because complaining about a lack of nice guys and dating douchebags doesn’t seem as crazy as committing to woman who probably has az hair doll of you somewhere. That’s just fucking nuts.
Posted by trjensen on November 26, 2012
Last week I came up with an analogy about what dating often feels like, to me.
The dating world is this huge burning campfire. I am standing one side of the fire. On the other side is a nice cool lake. If I can get through the fire then I can jump in that lake and it will all be worth it. It represents my desired end result, the commitment, the love, the security. I can’t walk around. The only way to get to that lake is to make through the fire. I’ve walk in a couple of times and hopped back out burnt and hurting. No matter what I do I can’t seem to make it through the fire to the fucking lake. I’ve tried running, walking, I’ve tried approaching it from every angle. Right now I am staring at the fire, pacing back and forth, wondering how many more times I can jump into before I am actually to scarred for the lake to do any good?
I guess my metaphor for my dating experience wasn’t a very good one. What I meant when I wrote and how it is being interpreted are very different. I don’t often feel likejustifying what I feel because it is how I feel but I didn’t do a good job of articulating what I find frustrating and painful. I shall do so in pictures since I don’t have someone with actual artistic talent to draw it for me.
So essentially dating has been this repetitive storyline, when it comes to anyone I feel remotely emotionally attached to. We date. Things are going well. We fall into this comfortable routine then everything stalls. It’s like I keep hitting the same wall, in the same place every time. I can get up to a certain point with a guy I really want more with and the second I realize that, he’s gone. I am great at dating; men totally dig me when we are dating. It is super frustrating and there have only been two (maybe three) men I have actually wanted something meaningful with in the past three years, it is getting a little frustrating. My attempts at relationships feel a little bit like Einstein’s definition of insanity.
I hope you like my visual aid. I had fun making it.
Posted by trjensen on October 4, 2012
After months of going on a series of what I call “practice dates,” I met a guy I was actually interested in. I really wasn’t even looking. (Okay, I am always kind of looking…) I just didn’t expect to meet a guy so soon after I decided it was time for me to take another whack at longevity and I certainly didn’t plan on meeting him in a bar. I have very serious opinions about meeting a potential boyfriend in a bar. Booty call… maybe. Boyfriend… highly unlikely.
I have begun to feel more attached to the guy I have been seeing for two months now but I have a plan. I truly intended to move to Georgia in February when the lease was up on my apartment. My former roommate moved to Georgia and asked if, when my lease ended, I would like to come and live with her. It seemed like an amazing opportunity for me to go and live somewhere else for a while. My son is an adult now and I could move. I could move to the east coast and continue to explore my options in the world.
As I spent more time with man I have been dating I began to think about what it might be like and if it were even possible to have a relationship with him. Although we have only been together for two months and I am no rush to define what is happening, I could see some longevity in our relationship. I decided not to see other men. I enjoy spending time with him and I am more than content with our arrangement. We even talked about the possibility of me moving across the river so that we would be closer to each other. I couldn’t do so until February which was perfect because we would have been dating for six months at that point and I would really like to move. I just planned on a warmer climate and a little further away. But if there was something here for me then I would definitely consider staying.
Recently we have discussed his desire not to commit. He has said he does not want a relationship but he has also voiced his opposition to me moving clear across the country. He would prefer I move closer to him. I have been thinking about this situation for a while now. I know it seems ridiculous that I would even consider moving to be closer to a man who has told me he has no desire to commit. I can’t move to be closer to someone who is telling me he wants to sleep with other people. I can’t move to a place where the only person I would know is him and the risk of me being even more devastated than I was at the beginning of the year is so great. I have no other friends in that area and I would just be hurt and alone.
I really felt like I was connecting with him and more importantly, that he was connecting with me. I know there is something there between us. I just don’t know if I can wait, hoping that if we spend more time together he may decide it is time to commit. I know the heartache that waits for me in February if things don’t go my way.
I care for this man and I am happy when I am with him. He seems happy when he is with me. We spend more days together than we do apart and I feel like we are really building a relationship. I want a boyfriend. I want a partner and I would really like it to be him. I am in a situation where we are both behaving as though we are in a relationship but he still wants to have the option of dating someone else.
I am so ready to commit. In so many ways he is perfect for me but he doesn’t feel the same way. Dating is hard and searching is often painful. I know it will be worth it when it happens but trying over and over again sucks. I am not going to be anybody’s fuck buddy or booty call. I don’t want that and I deserve more. I deserve to receive the love and respect I show the people I care about. I deserve a commitment.
Posted by trjensen on November 8, 2011
Deciding you want a partner can be so strange. I suppose it is part of the whole “mid-life” thing. I hate even saying that. It honestly seems like I just woke up one morning with this void inside myself. I just became acutely aware of this emptiness that needed to be filled and spent the better part of the last few years trying to find the piece that would fill it in.
My biggest issue is that seem to be trying to shove square pegs into a round slot most of the time. I watched a movie the other day. It wasn’t very good but one bit of dialogue stood out to me. I found it very relatable.
GUY: I can tell you’re the kind of girl who tries to make a bad thing work.
GIRL: Some people call that optimism.
GUY: I call it crazy.
I laugh even thinking about it because it is true. I want the person I decide I want to spend a considerable amount of time with to be perfect for me. I want to know without a doubt that once they are in my life they will be there for a good long time and that I don’t have to worry about pretense or any of the other bullshit second guessing I typically do when I find a man I like. But what usually happens is that I, like the woman above, start noting the red flags and proceed ahead. No one is perfect right? This could still totally work.
This is not optimism. It is absolutely crazy logic. I do it and many women I know do it. Why do we sell ourselves short? If we are graced with the understanding and knowledge of what we want, why would we ever let the check marks on the cons side of the list stack up and still think we could have a satisfying relationship with that person? And eventually that person will figure it out but you have put so much work into trying to make it work that you wind up devastated when they leave.
I am not saying that any partner will meet all the criteria on your list. Sometimes you spend time with someone and find that there are things you would like that aren’t so significant after all. What we need and want constantly changes as we grow but when you start over looking your basic needs when determining if someone is a suitable long term partner then it is time nip it in the bud. What we want and need is important and those desires are in place for a reason.
Everyone deserves to get what they want and should have the strength to walk away the moment they realize that someone isn’t for them. I am in a place in my life where I am hungry for some stability and continuity and I want it to be dedicated solely to me. I am having trouble finding it and have been far too willing to try to wait it out and hope that at some point things will change. I find myself riding things out a lot lately. I want to get to the point where I am at the very least dating one man and he is only dating me.
I need something that feels like I am making progress. Yet I still haven’t found a man who is on the same page and I overlook it because I “know” eventually we will be. The truth is we probably won’t so I get to decide how much more time I want to spend in this place spinning my wheels. I can stay here or I can clean the slate and try again. I feel like I am playing the first few levels of a video game over and over again trying to get a little further ahead. It is redundant and I am far less enamored with dating then I was. Once I get past the first few levels I start to get excited again but then I get hit by a fucking koopa troopa and have start all over again. I need a cheat code or a warp tunnel so I can start where I left off.
All I want is a man who I like to spend time with, who likes to spend time with me and who is content just sleeping with me. If I like a guy I don’t sleep with other men. I need someone who appreciates what I have to contribute to our spending time together as I much a as I appreciate his contributions. I am really easy to please and I don’t feel like I expect a lot from a partner, a little physical affection and some quality time. I really need to learn not to overlook those things. I do want a relationship or some assurance that someone I am spending time could want that with me at some point. It is a constant hunger, that empty space. I can’t move forward when I know it won’t be filled. Who could overlook something like that? I guess it is time to hit reset.
Posted by trjensen on October 8, 2011
I have accounts on two dating sites; one is a traditional dating site, people searching for longer term relationships and one is a casual dating website, people looking for nsa situations or fwb. I have to say that I am kind of obsessed with the latter. I think the idea of an organized casual dating/social networking site could be a good idea. As I have previously stated I find myself too dismissive when it comes to a traditional dating site but for some reason a casual dating site is appealing to me.
On traditional dating sites, I find the men come off as somewhat desperate. I also don’t always trust their intentions. The few men I have conversed with seem rather eager to be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship and seem to pounce on anyone who responds to their inquiries. They become overwhelmingly clingy without even having met you. They seem to feel that your shared desire to find a partner is enough. For me it isn’t. Many of the men turn out to be nothing more than creepers. They are dishonest about what they are looking for and feel their chances to find a casual partner will improve if they are not honest about what it is they are actually seeking.
On casual dating sites, men tend to be more upfront. Sure there is still some deceit, men posting pictures of themselves when they were younger, more physically fit or when they had hair. But all in all, what you see is what you get. Men are more straightforward about their intentions and for some reason tend to be, in my humble opinion, far more attractive than men on traditional dating sites. They don’t seem as desperate although the very idea of a hook-up site sounds more desperate. It is really just a sense of immediacy. I have had conversations with a few men from casual dating sites and I understand that the site is harder for them to use. Many of the female accounts are just set up to link men to pay sites and pornography.
I like the idea of cutting through the bulk of the smoke and mirrors bullshit and cutting to the chase. I am still very much interested in a long term relationship and I am upfront with the men who contact me. I find that casual sites are better for socializing, in general. There is a degree of comfort because the men are clear about what they want.
There are disadvantages too. Some of the men are openly crude or display little respect for females when sending messages but you can ignore or block them. If traditional dating sites would function more like popular social networking sites as casual dating sites do people might feel more inclined to be open. I get a better sense of who men are on casual dating sites.
I am always bashing dating websites and I know they work for some people but they don’t really work for me. I like straightforward, cut to the chase interactions. I get a much better sense of who someone is when there is little pretense in our initial conversations. I can always work around the casual aspect of it but if that is what happens then sometimes that is okay too.
Posted by trjensen on September 2, 2011