So my little baby, my netbook, is all better and actually working the way I like it to. One of my closest male friends is a computer genius and we spent hours on the phone yesterday going through the various steps required to clean my little netbook up. Now it is in tiptop shape again and I didn’t lose nearly three years of my writing.
As I was running scans and waiting for files to download we discussed our personal lives, or respective searches for love and my blog. We had catching up to do. We normally have a very lengthy conversation about every three months just to catch each other up and share funny stories about our adventures in dating.
As I was talking about what I really want now, where I am at in the evolution of my dating development, we began to discuss emotional maturity. He pointed out that my development was arrested because of my long stint of abstinence. I am well aware of this and have written about it several times. I think I am progressing along rather nicely and then he said, “You probably have the emotional maturity of an eighteen year old.” In my head I cursed at him. Typically I would have just said “Fuck you!” and we would have laughed about it but it made me think.
Really? Eighteen? I would say I have easily past eighteen. I know eighteen year old girls in relationships and if I had to assess where I was right now, emotionally, I would say I was in my mid-twenties. I don’t think he meant it as a slam but I certainly have the emotional development of an adult.
I am at a point where I want someone who is good for me rather than someone who is just exciting and probably not a good choice for me. I still want excitement but less drama and more communication. PB has taught me that being able to communicate is important to me and just because a man is open about what he wants and thinks, doesn’t mean he is emotionally weak or going to turn into a big baby.
Men can communicate honestly and openly and still be masculine. Some guys can’t and some guys can. I need someone who can because I am a chatty bitch and I need a guy who can talk. I like to talk about what is important to me and I like a man who knows what is important to him. So I would say I am probably around twenty-five emotionally and I am still learning. But I am definitely in a place where I have way better understanding of what I need. I don’t know many eighteen year olds that can say that.
Posted by trjensen on February 6, 2012
I had to rid myself of men to raise my son. That’s not really accurate. I was a single mom and have raised my, now nineteen year old, son by myself. I really don’t have much family and those nineteen years consisted of supporting and trying to raise a good man. That didn’t leave time for a relationship and at some point I guess I just relinquished the idea that that was going to happen in the chaos that was my life.
Now I am at place in where I want some support myself. Most single men my age have been married. I have never been married. It has been my experience that most men who have been married and are now finding themselves single for the first time in ten or more years aren’t looking for a relationship. They are looking to have fun. They don’t want anything serious and they don’t want what I find myself pining for. This is really the best summation of what I have been grappling.
I have never been in a relationship that has lasted longer than eighteen months and I can honestly say that none of my physical relationships with men were anything I would categorize as healthy or stable. The irony in all this is that now that I desire something of a more mature relationship I find myself back in the pool with a bunch of men who are attempting to recapture the lives they had in their teens and early twenties. This leaves me to deal with the fact that I may very well find the dating scene very similar to the one I was in when I left it. This is a little unnerving to me.
I really thought that people in my age demographic would all be looking for the same thing. I realize now that that was naive of me. I hoped that dating would be simpler and that we would all be more direct and clear from the get go. I hoped that mutual attraction and interest would be enough to start a relationship. Unfortunately, I am finding that that is not the case. I was hoping to find that, in this time in our lives, men would be more upfront and honest without having to be prompted.
I also find that I am quite often hit on by men who are quite a bit younger than me. I am often asked out by guys in their mid-twenties. I worry about these men because they haven’t had children or been married and I am in different place in my life. If a relationship were to develop as a result of my dating someone younger I would be unwilling to do everything over. I don’t want any more children and this will likely be an issue at some point. Some of my friends in their mid-twenties have also noted that it is frustrating that men their age seem interested in women my age. But that works both ways. I often see men in their late thirties and early forties dating women who are in their twenties.
The situation is frustrating. I am still trying to figure out what to do. I have been casually dating but at some point soon I want to move past that into something more meaningful.
Posted by trjensen on July 29, 2011
Yesterday I was reading the results of the Harris survey done for Playboy’s Sex Survey 2011. I found a lot of the information interesting and/or surprising. One of the things that stuck with me is that most of the people who were surveyed (30%), with the median age being 47 and 53% female, had only had sex with two to five partners. I assumed that most people had more sexual partners. Yet here I am with my marginally larger (than average) number.
Most of the people I am close to and have known for some time have had many more partners than I have. I spent the bulk of my youth thinking I was lacking. What I recognize now as just not being ready for sex was made even more awkward by the fact that I was not having nearly as much sex as my friends.
I in no way consider myself promiscuous. I abstained for over a decade for fuck’s sake (or not.) I do however feel like I will have more partners. I actually want more partners. I don’t mean I want to increase my number to triple digits but there will definitely be more.
It really isn’t about the number. I don’t really care about my number. It is more about experience. I definitely feel like I could use more of that… experience interacting in a particular and somewhat intimate (to me) situation. And yes ultimately I still only want one and I would like to be with that person for a good long time but I also feel like I may have missed some things by not dating more in my twenties.
I had finally resigned myself to the idea that I needed to experience more, in regards to adult human interaction. And now if I decide it is okay for me to sleep with men I am interested in does it make me whorish, slut-like? Of course it doesn’t but looking at such a small number makes me feel like maybe I just lost out. While everyone else had found something by guy number three I am saying I know I will want something beyond guy number nine. I feel like I still need to explore. Maybe I will find everything I need in one person and it may be the next guy I decide to date but he might be a way off.
I guess that only really matters if it bothers me and it doesn’t. I just thought I was average in this one area and I guess I am not. I guess I am kind of a whore, like really a whore not just a girl who talks like one. I am just kidding. I was just surprised. And let’s face it I don’t get laid enough so I will just have to deal few more notches.
Posted by trjensen on May 24, 2011
So… tomorrow is my birthday and the closer it gets, the older 38 feels to me. And for the record, if you are reading this and think 38 is old… Go fuck yourself. You don’t get an opinion. This is about me and I get to decide whether or not I am old. If you are thinking 38 is young however feel free to leave as many flattering comments as you like.
I don’t think living on the planet for thirty eight years is what makes me feel old. I think being 38, single and developing an increasingly cynical attitude toward everything is making me feel old. I do, in fact, feel too old for this shit. I have no relationship, no personal space and no clue (in the grander scheme of things) what the fuck I want. Feeling like I have skipped too many milestones makes me feel old. Having a 19 year old crashing on my couch and sleeping until 2:00 p.m. everyday makes me feel old.
Emotionally I am both more mature and less mature than I should be. My world view is slowly changing. I find myself feeling less inclined make excuses for others and often find it harder to see the good in someone who has hurt me. I am less patient (and that is hard to imagine.)
I do feel like I have learned a lot about people and about myself this year. I was reminded that people do what is best for them. This can be a painful lesson and the more times you have to learn it the harder it becomes. I have learned that wanting someone to be the person you see doesn’t make them that person. People are who they are and look out for themselves first. I am learning to do that too.
I am fortunate to have the people in my life that I do. My little universe is almost perfectly balanced. My true family all seated at the table. I have experienced a lot of love and support this past year and that is really the most valuable lesson of all. All the time I spent wanting one person to love me; I hardly saw all those that did. I know things happen when they are supposed to and I am so grateful for everyone who helped keep me up as I stumbled bruised and broken through that very tough lesson. They gave me the patience I couldn’t give myself.
While it seems, at times, like I have learned a lifetime worth of lessons over this past year, it doesn’t make me old. I am just more experienced. I am still just growing up, still learning all the little nuances of my relationships in this world and luckily I have some pretty amazing teachers. So I am not getting old just getting better.
I’ll be old when I am 45. (According to my son)
Posted by trjensen on May 9, 2011