One night while cuddling with my ex on the couch watching a movie, he leaned down and whispered, “Let’s have a threesome..” “No,” I responded without even glancing at him. He unwrapped his arms from around me and sat up. “Why not?” he whined. He sat and straightened myself. I looked at him for a long moment trying to find a way to make him understand. For one thing, though I adored him and very much enjoyed having sex with him, I didn’t think he had it in him to manage two women at once. But the real reason I would never invite another woman into bed with us was simple. I had no intention of falling for the man I was now arguing with but my feelings for him had grown. “It would hurt me to watch you have sex with another woman,” I finally answered him. “You’ve done it before,” he persisted. “I wasn’t in a relationship and I couldn’t watch fuck someone else!” my voiced raised and became sterner. “You like me’” he smiled at me and pulled me to him again. It wasn’t the last time I’d have that conversation with him or other men I dated.
Since I have reentered the dating world, I have found dating to be somewhat challenging. I have learned to be cautious about how and who I date. As woman who writes about dating and sex, not only personally but professionally, it is difficult to find potential dates that don’t have some preconceived notion about who I am, what I want and how I date. I have had men approach me about dating simply because of my body of work. I have had men cancel dates because of my writing and some men have completely disregarded anything I have expressed in a relationship due to their perceived understanding of my experiences. All of this has resulted in some very interesting dating experiences that have benefited me greatly but often present some interesting stumbling blocks when I start wanting something more serious.
I have gone on dates solely for writing inspiration but typically that isn’t the reason I date. I love the stories and lessons that come from my experiences dating and in relationships but ultimately I date for the same reason everyone else does. I crave companionship though duration may vary. Ultimately I want something committed with some longevity.
Honesty is an important aspect of developing any relationship so I am fairly forth coming about what I do and what I write about. As anyone who has read my blog can tell you, I am pretty open anyway but I feel it is important to be honest and unapologetic about the events that have shaped who you are as a person. Early on I learned that it was better that I kept the information about my writing as simple as I could without being dishonest. If someone asked for details I’d provide them with as much information as was requested but dating with the bulk of my sexual history on the internet for everyone to read is challenging enough without my directing every man I date to my blog.
When I find myself dating someone whom I really like and who feels the same way they typically don’t read much of my work. I have also dated men who have read my blog or found some of my articles online. They will ask me about a certain experience or activity and attempt to pressure me into doing it again. I feel a bit like Alyssa Jones in Chasing Amy. My reputation precedes me and though I have done something, often for the sake of the experience, I have no intention of doing it again nor is it an activity I would participate in, in a relationship.
Dating is difficult. Because of some of my writing it makes dating more complicated. My past is my past and when dating someone I like I feel like I may be building a future. I want new experiences and new opportunities. I don’t want to reenact the past. I want something fresh to look forward to.
What are some of your experiences with assumptions and dating?
Lorna's Voice
/ January 31, 2013I’ve been out of the dating game for decades, so I really don’t have much to offer here. I just can’t imagine a man dating me because of something I’ve written (especially given the kinds of things I write). He would have to love to laugh!
trjensen
/ January 31, 2013And though I do have posts that are specifically sexual I always hope that people can find the humor and insight in all of my writing. Some men get it but some take everything at face value. I don’t regret anything. I appreciate my experiences and I am working through the rest.
The Reemachronicles
/ January 31, 2013I always say to not hold the past against someone. Everyone has done things in their past where if they looked back, they would change a few things. It’s all about how she handled everything and how she changed because people do change.
trjensen
/ January 31, 2013I don’t make excuses about what I do. I did it because I wanted to. I just want something different in a relationship. If I decide I want just one then I am sure he can give me what I need and I want to know I can do the same for the person I choose.
seattlepolychick
/ January 31, 2013I AM Alyssa Jones. I can’t remember if I’ve ever dated anyone for any length of time that they didn’t want a threesome.
I just deleted my entire answer. It was a blog post.
Screw it. I’m gonna re-blog you and respond.
trjensen
/ January 31, 2013LOL!
reocochran
/ January 31, 2013I have had only 2 men look at my posts. I asked one if it sounded okay after the fact. (I had written 3 about him: Bill) He was fine with them, but I did not include a lot of sexual information, he was more of a companion/friend. If I were to write those kinds of things, it would not affect many of the men. Most I would probably say I blog, but not that its about dating after fifty. I like to include a wide variety of relationships. You are very honest and direct in your writing. If a man doesn’t appreciate that gut wrenching, pour your heart out style, then he needs a more boring partner!
trjensen
/ January 31, 2013I don’t have many men who read it. The last man I was serious about had and it did cause problems. He still reads my blog. I have simply told men what I do and had them want to date me. When I discuss men I never name them. I’ve never had any challenge what I’ve written. I’ve even had men I’ve dated read work for accuracy.
seattlepolychick
/ January 31, 2013Reblogged this on seattlepolychick and commented:
I love the Narcissist’s Blog. Check it out if you haven’t already. I started to respond to her latest post, on Threesomes, and realized it was a whole blog post of it’s own. So, here it is.
I can’t remember the last time I was in a relationship that my partner didn’t ask me if I would have a threesome with them. Before I was a monogamous married gal I was a casual dater and lover of casual sex. I dated both men and women and have lived romantically with both women and men. I’ve had LOTS of threesomes. I loved casual threesomes.
My experience was that having a threesome in a relationship was shitty (except strangely when Beth and I regularly brought home guys to play with- that rocked). Invariably someone would get hurt. He’d be upset that I seemed to cum SO HARD with her or I’d be upset and insecure because he’d ask 40 times afterwards when we could do that again and I’d feel like he never wanted sex with just me, or she’d get upset that he fucked me more or.. oh you get it. Someone would get hurt or feel left out or be upset or jealous or all of the above. It was ENDLESS drama. Enough of these foibles in every possible configuration added up and I swore off of relationship threesomes forever. I decided the only threesomes I wanted were the very casual and nobody cares for anybody kind, or being the “guest star”.
My husband and I were monogamously married for 12 years, and then we opened up. In the course of our dating we ended up separately dating the same girl. Eventually we dated her together. We had a small number of really great threesomes until he fell asleep in one and we kept going. He woke to me cumming with her fist in my pussy and got really jealous and hurt both that we’d kept going and that I’d sounded different than he’d heard me sound in a while. (My husband is AMAZING in bed.. and yes it was in his head). Until he worked through it he could barely look at me for weeks. He was so angry and hurt it left me and the girl kinda shell shocked and that pretty much ended Hubby and the girl and I playing together, even when Hubby said he was okay again. It had come out of nowhere and we weren’t taking any chances.
I had another threesome since opening up, this one with Kinky Boy and his girlfriend who’d somehow convinced me maybe she wasn’t totally straight after all. She was. You can imagine how much that sucked. I was the guest star somehow, but it was with a guy I was seeing and cared about and his straight girlfriend he was trying to appease and make into some thing she wasn’t. That was doomed from the start and it was as abysmal as you’d predict.
So, I kinda swore off of threesomes again, but I am again changing my mind. See.. I love them. It’s hot. I love free easy wonderful enticing threesomes. I’m having a hard time throwing that baby out with the bathwater again. When things with hubby and Rollergirl were good, they were very good. I started to think.. how could I have threesomes in my polyamorous life?
So, Great Date would like a threesome. A threesome with him would be fun, but… uh.. oh….
We’ve talked and talked about it. We’ll talk about it some more. See.. I think we could do it and it could go well under a few conditions. I think if we went to the local swing club and found a fun person to play a little with we could test the waters. If that went well I think we could have some occasional fun. Unlike Hubby, both Great Date and I can have casual sex. I think it’d be hot to share a woman with Great Date and to share Great Date temporarily with a sexy girl. I don’t think it’ll work if either he or I is romantically involved with her at this time, but I think we could both enjoy it sexually. He seems to get it’d be a very occasional thing with no promises of future activity and I get that too.
It might be that we’d find somebody we’d want to see again and it might not. We might play and decide we don’t want to take it that far. We might love it and swing together from time to time. I don’t know, but it’s a very sexy thought.
I’m healing, so we aren’t going this weekend, and we have more introspection and talking to do, but I guess it’s at least back on the table.
Pink Ninjabi
/ January 31, 2013Always great to hear from you! Really! It takes so much guts to write what’s from the heart. And yeah, I totally get it. I had an ex like that too. Eesh. So glad to be rid of him. He was, well, selfish to say the least. You deserve better. We CAN do better.
trjensen
/ February 7, 2013Always!
Isis Galaxy
/ February 4, 2013I can’t even persuade my GF to read the blog post that is ALL ABOUT HER! I just presume the recent ex is uninterested, even though the explosion of that relationship was an inspiration to start blogging. I know if someone was writing about ME, I’d damn well want to read it!
bossymoksie
/ February 6, 2013Guys seem to see girls as one way or another. Once they find out you’ve had a ‘varied and colorful’ past, it’s all they can focus on. And then they want a piece of it too, even though you have moved on. If he can’t move on from that, then it’s good that you’re not together anymore.
trjensen
/ February 7, 2013That is not even close to why but I guess it bothered me most from him because of how I felt. My favorite line (rolling my eyes) “I’ll give you something to write about.” I almost never date those guys. The ones I have never bothered reading anything I wrote thast I know of.
Isis Galaxy
/ February 8, 2013What a great response about threesomes! I didn’t have much interest in trying it because of the potential emotional fallout. I’d heard too many stories from friends where someone ended up crying in another room. The only way I would even consider it was as the “guest star”, as seattlepolychick puts it. I did finally get that guest star opportunity about a year ago, but did not undertake it lightly. It was fun it its way, with a married couple with a fair amount of threesome experience. But, it was still more for him – she would play with me “waist up” but didn’t want me near her pussy nor did she have interest in mine. That was very unsatisfying for me. And after a few times, she ended up flipping out, saying she “needed her husband to herself”, which was fine by me. I was far more attracted to her than him, anyway, and she was straight, so that wasn’t going to work. The best part for me was the “live porn” where I got to watch them with each other. That was pretty cool.