This is probably my favorite prompt of all the prompts in this challenge. I am excited about writing it for a number of reasons. The main reason being, I want to set the record straight about what I expect in a man. I don’t have any crazy standards. I don’t care about what your annual salary is or how tall you are. (Taller than me would be nice.) But there are certain things that make guy completely undateable. They are listed below in no particular order.
- If you don’t have a job (or in this economy aren’t actively seeking employment) then I wouldn’t seriously date you. I just spent the last 20 years of my life supporting someone else and putting all his needs before mine. I did that because I loved my son but he is a grown ass man now. I don’t want to support a guy. I want someone who can take care of himself because I don’t expect anyone to take care of me.
- If you call women cunts I would probably exit your vicinity before our drinks even hit the table. No amount of alcohol would ever make that okay with me. I don’t give a shit what else you call a woman but don’t ever call her that. I say cunt all the time but I never use it to describe another woman. Prefer to call the things I stub my toe on cunts. I call annoying animals cunts. I might even call a person a cunt but you can’t. I hate hearing men use that word in a sentence with a female’s name. I would never go on another date with you.
- I absolutely hate the “V” gesture guys do. You know the one that involves a peace sign and your tongue. Nothing makes me want to punch a guy in the face more than one who thinks that doing that is going to turn me on. It actually dries me up like the Mohave Desert.
- Don’t spit in front of me. If something gross like a bug or pubic hair winds up in your mouth then of course I wouldn’t expect you to just keep it there until you are out of my presence. Spit that shit out. What I am talking about is anything that involves mucus. I don’t give a shit if you are on death’s door or just trying to exert your manliness, don’t fucking spit (or blow snot rockets) in my line of sight. Seeing guys do that turns my stomach and ruins your chances of making out without a good tongue brushing. And while we are on the subject, don’t do it in my shower and not bother rinse it down the drain either.
- Don’t insist I do anything I don’t want to do. If I say I don’t want to go ice skating then I don’t fucking want to go. No you won’t be able to teach me because five other guys just tried and I still can’t fucking ice skate. I have however had two sprained ankles and a torn tendon. If I say I don’t want to do something then attempting to coax me into it will just piss me off and make me feel like you don’t care about what I want.
- Don’t talk to my family about our real or potential sex life. Telling my kid “I am fucking hot.” (Yes this has happened) or telling my brother you would “Fuck me raw.” (Yup. This one too) is horribly embarrassing for me and awful for my family members Those are things you should say to me, when appropriate. Otherwise, I will assume you are stupid or crazy.
- Don’t say anything racist or that involves hate speech. I hate that shit. I will chastise you in public and leave you regardless of where we are. Alcohol is not an excuse for ignorance either. I am now certain you are stupid or crazy.
Maybe this should have been my “Day 1” prompt. I could have easily written 20 (or 100) of these.