This is probably my favorite prompt of all the prompts in this challenge. I am excited about writing it for a number of reasons. The main reason being, I want to set the record straight about what I expect in a man. I don’t have any crazy standards. I don’t care about what your annual salary is or how tall you are. (Taller than me would be nice.) But there are certain things that make guy completely undateable. They are listed below in no particular order.
If you don’t have a job (or in this economy aren’t actively seeking employment) then I wouldn’t seriously date you. I just spent the last 20 years of my life supporting someone else and putting all his needs before mine. I did that because I loved my son but he is a grown ass man now. I don’t want to support a guy. I want someone who can take care of himself because I don’t expect anyone to take care of me.- If you call women cunts I would probably exit your vicinity before our drinks even hit the table. No amount of alcohol would ever make that okay with me. I don’t give a shit what else you call a woman but don’t ever call her that. I say cunt all the time but I never use it to describe another woman. Prefer to call the things I stub my toe on cunts. I call annoying animals cunts. I might even call a person a cunt but you can’t. I hate hearing men use that word in a sentence with a female’s name. I would never go on another date with you.
- I absolutely hate the “V” gesture guys do. You know the one that involves a peace sign and your tongue. Nothing makes me want to punch a guy in the face more than one who thinks that doing that is going to turn me on. It actually dries me up like the Mohave Desert.
Don’t spit in front of me. If something gross like a bug or pubic hair winds up in your mouth then of course I wouldn’t expect you to just keep it there until you are out of my presence. Spit that shit out. What I am talking about is anything that involves mucus. I don’t give a shit if you are on death’s door or just trying to exert your manliness, don’t fucking spit (or blow snot rockets) in my line of sight. Seeing guys do that turns my stomach and ruins your chances of making out without a good tongue brushing. And while we are on the subject, don’t do it in my shower and not bother rinse it down the drain either.- Don’t insist I do anything I don’t want to do. If I say I don’t want to go ice skating then I don’t fucking want to go. No you won’t be able to teach me because five other guys just tried and I still can’t fucking ice skate. I have however had two sprained ankles and a torn tendon. If I say I don’t want to do something then attempting to coax me into it will just piss me off and make me feel like you don’t care about what I want.
Don’t talk to my family about our real or potential sex life. Telling my kid “I am fucking hot.” (Yes this has happened) or telling my brother you would “Fuck me raw.” (Yup. This one too) is horribly embarrassing for me and awful for my family members Those are things you should say to me, when appropriate. Otherwise, I will assume you are stupid or crazy.- Don’t say anything racist or that involves hate speech. I hate that shit. I will chastise you in public and leave you regardless of where we are. Alcohol is not an excuse for ignorance either. I am now certain you are stupid or crazy.
Maybe this should have been my “Day 1” prompt. I could have easily written 20 (or 100) of these.
Miss A
/ November 14, 2012“Telling my kid “I am fucking hot.” (Yes this has happened) or telling my brother you would “Fuck me raw.” (Yup. This one too) is horribly embarrassing”
Good Lord!! I feel sorry for women who think that that’s okay!!
trjensen
/ November 15, 2012And I never dated either of those douches. I was never even interested in either of them. And my poor son… He was 18 but he was mortified. I walked out right after it happened and he repeated the statement to me. I asked him what the fuck was wrong with him?
benzeknees
/ November 15, 2012Too true! I hate all of these things too! I also hate guys who play pocket pool in front of me – do they think this is attractive?
trjensen
/ November 15, 2012Or if we just started dating and he is adjusting himself in front of me… I also don’t like a guy who will just burp (or fart) in front of a me and we don’t really know each other. At least excuse yourself. That is tacky and makes things kind of uncomfortable.
Russell Shady Echo Mazonde
/ November 15, 2012i read you on all except one, what is “the “V” gesture”. Sorry i have never encountered it in my life!
trjensen
/ November 15, 2012nikkix2
/ November 15, 2012OMG,,are you my sista from another Brotha??
I hate all of that,,,,and if your having problems getting that phlegm out of your nose or throat don’t call me on the phone till that shit is gone!
Oh,,and I’m pretty sure I could teach you to ice skate,,just saying
trjensen
/ November 15, 2012LOL! I used to date a guy who would blow snot and phlegm out in my shower and then I’d get in and almost puke becazuse he would rinse it down the drain!!! I broke my son of that early. Cuz if would have stepped in that…
The Writers Village
/ November 15, 2012Here’s few of my own inspired by you for women:
Don’t scratch your nose by sliding your pointer finger back and forth so that it’s obvious to everyone that you are not attempting to pick your nose.
Do not call a guy a dude.
Do not ask what radio station that we like to listen to and then proceed to put on whatever music you like.
Do not invite a guy over after a date and then announce in a short while that you’re tired.
Do not hold a significant conversation with a guy while putting on make up, or off handedly say “oh, by the way…”
Do not sleep over a guy’s house and make his toilet paper go the other way.
Randy
trjensen
/ November 15, 2012I was unaware men put toilet paper on the roll thingy. Every bacholer pad I have ever been in has a roll sitting on the back of the toilet or on the counter next to the sink. I hate when a guy calls me dude but when I am writing I call men dudes all the time.
thephilosopher101
/ November 18, 2012Maybe that is where I am screwing up. I need to not have my toilet paper in its proper place. Lol. Although I am not sure It would bother me if someone changed the way my toilet paper was hanging, but I would have noticed something was out of place.
trjensen
/ November 18, 2012It is funny because the only people I have ever seen put it on backwards. all the time, are my two left handed friends. I always flip it. But guys… most of them just set the roll on the counter.
thephilosopher101
/ November 18, 2012I would chastise my male friends over that if i saw something like that. I would probably tell them their place isn’t as inviting for a woman as it needs to be. But, I have never had to go there. I have always been told. To keep the bathroom neat, don’t gross out your date, and keep some generic female supplies around such as tampons etc. for just in case they happen to need one, such as a variety tampon pack. But, it must be not opened, they need to open it. If and or when you part ways, you must throw away the box, even if only one was used and replace it.. Women want to know a guy is prepared, but ironically don’t want to use something like that left over from the previous girl.. A guy should keep his apartment, warm, inviting, and almost where a girl might want to move in. (even though we don’t want her moving in) Well, at least that is how I am. I am relatively successful in the dating world. Just haven’t found a keeper yet. But I will.
trjensen
/ November 18, 2012Yes you will. If I could make a suggestion… I don’t know how I’d feel about the female products. It would be nice if a guy I had them but unless it was stuff I left there, a guy having those things might raise eyebrows.
Tallulah "Lulu" Stark
/ November 15, 2012Luh-ve it!
trjensen
/ November 15, 2012Thanks.
daterofboys
/ November 15, 2012The racism part gets me…even jokes. Makes me ill.
trjensen
/ November 15, 2012There is no excuse for it. It is ignorant.
seattlepolychick
/ November 15, 2012If you can do 50 more.. have at it. These are hilarious!
trjensen
/ November 15, 2012I think I will do a post of just things that make a man undateable. Maybe a Twitter page too. Hmm….
seattlepolychick
/ November 16, 2012Yay!!
trjensen
/ November 16, 2012seattlepolychick
/ November 16, 2012Hmm… I wanna do one too now. Please do post yours here if you do it on Twitter. I don’t want to miss it.
trjensen
/ November 16, 2012I shall! I’ll probably write it Sunday. I want to start a list first.
A Dog With Fleas
/ November 15, 2012All of these make men undateable and then some. And I can’t believe some men would say some of those things to your son and brother. WTF? Talk about clueless. Would love to know why they though that was acceptable. Great list and would love to see more.
trjensen
/ November 15, 2012With my son especially. The dude in that instances was puke. He was dating my neighbor (and kinda’) friend at the time. It was funny because she thought she was a big deal and the entire time they were together he was hitting on me. I wouldn’t touch him. He was not my type and very unattractive. Then about three months later she fucked the guy I had dated for a year. I found out they were seeing each other because one night he spent the night at her house without telling me we were through.
nancyelauzon
/ November 15, 2012Amen, amen. Can you please give a class to men on what NOT to do and say to a woman? Because somehow a lot of them are missing this vital info. You would think it would be self evident, but apparently not.
trjensen
/ November 15, 2012It is pretty odd that some things that seem like common sense apparently aren’t.
thephilosopher101
/ November 18, 2012Well maybe it is I am young enough or was raised some what proper to not do such things. I would never imagine saying to someone’s kid, that their mother is “fucking hot”. Or mention any sexual activities to the girls family that I am seeing what I would or wouldn’t do or have done to her in the bedroom. That is common sense and common respect. Some things are just meant to be private.
Although as offensive as the word “cunt” may be in the American English language. It does indeed have a special place in my vocabulary. There has only been one female who has ever made it to that special level. But this person in question never has had or will ever have my respect. I do deeply despise that person though. I have never meet such a wonderfully horrid person. I could never in my wildest dreams refer to a woman as a “cunt” in front of another female. I have referred to her as a miserable bitch, to a female friend of mine. So they would understand the scope of my discontent.
All the others are comical to me. What is sad is these all seem like common sense and lack of respect of mixed company. I won’t lie I have spit lougies, and partaken in the snot rocket adventures. However, I am almost more than certain no female has seen me do such things.
Boys will be boys, and some boys never become men. I feel I should write the ultimate male handbook to proper educate in the company of a female.
ahem.
trjensen
/ November 18, 2012Maybe you should. I have family from Ireland so I heard cunt a lot as a kid. It wasn’t until I was older that I knew what it meant beside something to call your friend. When I figured it out I was totally shocked! It took me about ten years to get over it and now I say it way more then any woman should. Probably why men always seem so suprised when I want a commitment. Well that and the fact that I love getting to the sex part. *shrugs shoulders