It is hard, after holding on to someone for so long, to completely let go. Your thoughts betray you. Your heart betrays you. You respond to one message then they keep coming. You try to tell yourself you can just be friends. You invested a lot of time and emotional energy in someone and you just want to be able to talk to them. Pretty soon it feels like you are right back where you started. The only difference is now you feel really shitty about the whole thing.
You feel sick to your stomach about it. You berate yourself for being weak. You felt awful because you missed someone but this feels worse than that. You can’t talk to anyone about it because you are ashamed that you let it this poison back into your life. Secretly you wonder if maybe you will find some sort of redemption. Maybe, just maybe there is still a chance. Of course thinking this makes you even more disgusted with yourself.
Your relationship is one sided and your casual friendly conversation becomes yet another way you are trying to prove yourself to someone who already knows exactly what you’re worth to them. You start doing them favors or offering advice. You become way too invested in their personal life and marginalize yours in the process. Eventually they will ask you to do something or say something that will jolt you enough that you are forced back to reality.
You’ve lost track of time. How long has this been going on? You finally speak up. You cut yourself off. You decide that quitting cold turkey is the only option you have. You may confide in a friend. You swear it’s over. You’ll never let this person back into your life. You can’t, the pain is too great. You remember now how bad it felt. You are embarrassed you even entertained the idea of letting them back in.
dezolutions
/ October 17, 2012Ugggh, the TRUTH! Perfect timing….
Lorna's Voice
/ October 17, 2012Letting go is a journey–it’s never done. Just when you think you’re there, something triggers in you and you realize you have more letting go to do. And so you start again.
trjensen
/ October 17, 2012Exactly. Sometimes we don’t realize how hard we are holding on to something. When we let go of that someone we hold onto the pain.
bossymoksie
/ October 17, 2012Quitting cold turkey is HARD. But the slow tortorous drawn out realtionship death is even more painful and miserable.
trjensen
/ October 17, 2012Exactly! Part two is coming!
Viciously Sweet
/ October 17, 2012I’m stuck in this right now. I have tried so hard I want to abandon ship. For once in my life I want to run away from a situation, and it is so hard. The only problem is that I would have to leave so much and so many other people to get away, I don’t know which heartbreak is worse!
trjensen
/ October 17, 2012It is an awful place to be. I guess we just have to get to a place where we aren’t willing to work so hard for something that hurts us. It’s easier said than done.
Ava Elizabeth Wisdom
/ October 20, 2012It’s like you see right into my soul! Damn! What’s wrong with me? Why do I “not” have the gift of goodbye?? Sometimes I think my relationship…and all my other past relationships have just been some unconscious, forlorn type of self-mutilation. I mean, WTF? Great post… I’m following you now!
-Ava
trjensen
/ October 20, 2012Well reawd part two! LOL! We love who we love and until we admit that isn’t good for us we hold on.
TheNewSingleGirl
/ October 20, 2012Amazing timing – I finally cut my toxic ex out of my life earlier this week after months of thinking we could “just be friends”. It can’t be done! Even when you think you’re over it something will always manage to hurt you again. Great post.
trjensen
/ October 20, 2012If your ex is in your life there are always going to be feelings. I get sick over the idea of the last guy I dated, dating anyone else. That is not friendship.