It is hard, after holding on to someone for so long, to completely let go. Your thoughts betray you. Your heart betrays you. You respond to one message then they keep coming. You try to tell yourself you can just be friends. You invested a lot of time and emotional energy in someone and you just want to be able to talk to them. Pretty soon it feels like you are right back where you started. The only difference is now you feel really shitty about the whole thing.
You feel sick to your stomach about it. You berate yourself for being weak. You felt awful because you missed someone but this feels worse than that. You can’t talk to anyone about it because you are ashamed that you let it this poison back into your life. Secretly you wonder if maybe you will find some sort of redemption. Maybe, just maybe there is still a chance. Of course thinking this makes you even more disgusted with yourself.
Your relationship is one sided and your casual friendly conversation becomes yet another way you are trying to prove yourself to someone who already knows exactly what you’re worth to them. You start doing them favors or offering advice. You become way too invested in their personal life and marginalize yours in the process. Eventually they will ask you to do something or say something that will jolt you enough that you are forced back to reality.
You’ve lost track of time. How long has this been going on? You finally speak up. You cut yourself off. You decide that quitting cold turkey is the only option you have. You may confide in a friend. You swear it’s over. You’ll never let this person back into your life. You can’t, the pain is too great. You remember now how bad it felt. You are embarrassed you even entertained the idea of letting them back in.