Last week I came up with an analogy about what dating often feels like, to me.
The dating world is this huge burning campfire. I am standing one side of the fire. On the other side is a nice cool lake. If I can get through the fire then I can jump in that lake and it will all be worth it. It represents my desired end result, the commitment, the love, the security. I can’t walk around. The only way to get to that lake is to make through the fire. I’ve walk in a couple of times and hopped back out burnt and hurting. No matter what I do I can’t seem to make it through the fire to the fucking lake. I’ve tried running, walking, I’ve tried approaching it from every angle. Right now I am staring at the fire, pacing back and forth, wondering how many more times I can jump into before I am actually to scarred for the lake to do any good?
I guess my metaphor for my dating experience wasn’t a very good one. What I meant when I wrote and how it is being interpreted are very different. I don’t often feel likejustifying what I feel because it is how I feel but I didn’t do a good job of articulating what I find frustrating and painful. I shall do so in pictures since I don’t have someone with actual artistic talent to draw it for me.
So essentially dating has been this repetitive storyline, when it comes to anyone I feel remotely emotionally attached to. We date. Things are going well. We fall into this comfortable routine then everything stalls. It’s like I keep hitting the same wall, in the same place every time. I can get up to a certain point with a guy I really want more with and the second I realize that, he’s gone. I am great at dating; men totally dig me when we are dating. It is super frustrating and there have only been two (maybe three) men I have actually wanted something meaningful with in the past three years, it is getting a little frustrating. My attempts at relationships feel a little bit like Einstein’s definition of insanity.
I hope you like my visual aid. I had fun making it.
A Dog With Fleas
/ October 4, 2012The visual aid made the best out of a very painful and frustrating situation. I liked the anaogy and hopefully one day soon you can make it to the lake.
Viciously Sweet
/ October 4, 2012I know so much about that lake and that firey wall. And someday when you make it past that burning ring of fire you will say “That is all it was”. I know you will. I think we all get to make it past the fire wall… we just need to pick better people to run past it with.
Pick someone who is worth running through the fire “with” and not “for”… ♥
trjensen
/ October 4, 2012Wise words, my beautiful friend. If only I could find someone to get past the fire with. I get to certain point with someone and it is never a fight or any sort of strife. We seem good and like things are moving forward at comfortable pace but the second it comes to the point when we need to discuss what is happening I am always standing by myself and it is always at about the same point.
I know it isn’t always that way but with me it seems to be the standard outcome. It is a little draining and discouraging.
pi314chron
/ October 4, 2012Teri, thank “G/god” or whoever else is in charge for your beautiful life of discovery. Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “Life is a journey, not a destination.” It may well be that your life, your journey IS the wall of fire, not the cool lake on the other side. Comforting thought? Probably not. But living “in the moment” requires that we live in ALL the moments, not just the “cool lake” moments.
May you be blessed with inner peace through it all.
Hugs, Randa Lane
trjensen
/ October 4, 2012I am not seeking a destination. Our journey never ends nor do I want it to. I do, however, want a companion on my journey.
muhgel
/ October 4, 2012omg too true!!! sadly
kinghenry2007
/ October 5, 2012phew, that analogy could not have put it better.Been thru that as well. The question i guess is how to get past the firewall, maybe skipping the 7th pic on the analogy?It will probably be just delaying the inevitable i suppose @#@%&&
trjensen
/ October 5, 2012Thank you. I am always honest about what I want up front. If I am uncertain and start to feel like I want more I always say so the second I feel it. I don’t want to go forward with someone when I risk being hurt even more.
singlemom78
/ October 5, 2012I really like your analogy. I totally get it.
*LOVE* the cartoon. LOL!
trjensen
/ October 5, 2012Thank you. I love it. It is meant to be thought provoking but I also wanted it to be funny. It makes me laugh too.
nancyelizabethlauzon
/ October 5, 2012That’s a great analogy. Maybe you and my 28 year old daughter were separated at birth — they gave me too many drugs during labor, maybe — cause you’re both going through the same shit.
trjensen
/ October 5, 2012LOL! #singlegirlproblems
Lorna's Voice
/ October 5, 2012Terri, I got the analogy. I also got your further explanation. Dating is trial by fire. I once read somewhere in my Divine Literature that as long as we are holding on to any past relationship baggage we are unlikely to find a satisfying new relationship. Maybe next time you approach the fire, strip down and run through naked so you can dive in that cool water with nothing but your lovely self–nothing weighing you down…
trjensen
/ October 5, 2012I agree with you totally. But I really don’t put my previous failed attempts off on new prospects. I never discuss old beaus. I don’t assume that all men will do the same thing. People are different and I interact with different men I having feelings for differently based on who we both are. I am not distrusting or shut off. I always enter each relationship completely open to what could happen. I think I am more inclined to carry some of those scars with me now. My honesty and optimism are making me feel a little naive.
Cakes McCain
/ October 5, 2012Do you think it might be the type of guys you usually go for? I noticed the ones I had all the chemistry and buttflies with off the bat- always ended up in a crash and burn.
trjensen
/ October 5, 2012The last guy, the one I loved, I never had the fluttery school girl feeling for but I really liked who him. We hung out and had fun. We were around each other sooo much, we grew together and the feelings came. The other guy (the first guy) I wanted more with, made me nervous and fluttery, my judgement was totally clouded from the start. I was so awed by him. I also genuinely have ill feelings toward him.
Like I said, I am open to a relationhip with anyone I like but how it has happened has been different and both men were very different. The only thing they had in common was that they were blue collar. So long story short, I am not attracted to one type of man. But I have learned what not to be fooled by.
laurabennet
/ October 5, 2012I get the analogy. And yes, it is possible to get there. Sometimes our experiences leave us feeling stuck and drag us into the same thing over and over. I have found that often when I am stuck, I need to start doing the opposite of what I would usually do. It feels awkward and strange at first, but then light dawns and everything makes sense. Hope that makes sense
trjensen
/ October 6, 2012It’s completely possible to get whatever you want. I am just getting to the point where I am starting to feel a bit resentful of the whole process. I’ll get past it but I am in no hurry to try again. I am feeling to bitter and angry about dating and men.
Right now I am doing my best to stop feeling that because it isn’t who I am and until I don’t feel that way about it it is best not to dwell on it.
laurabennet
/ October 6, 2012I understand. I went through a number of years after my marriage ended really feeling distrustful of men in general and very bitter. For me, the environment of my church family, where most of the men were amazing, loving, great husbands and fathers, made me realize there were good men out there. I just had to wait patiently and grow in myself. Finally, I met my husband who is a tremendously wonderful man. I’ve healed a lot from my relationship with him too. I wish you all the best, and will pray that God brings you healing, peace and a really quality guy!
sweetj2
/ October 6, 2012Thanks for stopping by my blog. I’m looking forward to reading more of yours – Personal truth spoken with humor is always entertaining!
trjensen
/ October 7, 2012Welcome, Welcome
WordsFallFromMyEyes
/ October 6, 2012Your analogy is good! And cartoon good-as. Your posts are always so interesting – your take on things…
trjensen
/ October 7, 2012Thank you!
lbenjen
/ October 7, 2012Yeah, I think you nailed the whole online dating experience. Though personally, I think it can run both ways with the girl fleeing the scene over the “firewall” of the ex-husband or assault rifle owning abusive ex-boyfriend (baby daddy). I just haven’t met a woman I’m ready to take lead for… (other then my daughter of course)… The taco’s in your one clip are great!!! I’m the one that usually cooks, so I’d do a more Indian or Thai dish in my version. What program did you use to draw the cartoon?
trjensen
/ October 7, 2012Photoshop and about five days. I have been on both sides of the wall. The main difference is that if I am not feeling someone I will take off way before it gets to that point and there has probably been no sex. I seem to wind up hurting men I would never sleep with. It also takes me a very long time to develop feelings for anyone so I guess that adds to my frustration. Two men in three years… it is a rarity.
adollyciousirony
/ October 8, 2012Cute visual aid and funny too. Easy to relate with your understanding of dating
trjensen
/ October 8, 2012Thank you! Funny was what I was aiming for.
rolerrol
/ October 8, 2012Hi Teri.
Firstly I would like to thank you for liking my post, “Is it worth the wait?”
The second thing I want to say is sort of a question and a challenge.
Question: What do you have to say to the numerous guys who have abstained themselves from sex for the purpose of waiting for the one they are to marry?
The challenge is this, there is a right way to date. (but difficult). I believe that everyone has that special someone waiting for them. Are you prepared to believe something totally contrary to what you have experienced?
Rolain.
trjensen
/ October 9, 2012I totally respect anyone’s choice to wait or not. I don’t believ either decision is incorrect and I love to read viewpoints that vary from my own. I am actually fascinated by it. I abstained for thirteen years and it allowed a lot of time to understand about myself and fall in love with me. When I reentered the dating world, the most important thing I learned was that my misunderstandings about the role of sex in a relationship was actually hindering my ability to be in a relationship. Intimacy is different for everyone but there are huge differences in the way men and women feel about sex. I don’t place as much importance on sex to have a relationship but I do like to have a healthy sex life regardless of my relationship status.
The issue isn’t one of self-control. I enjoy sex so I have it. I don’t have sex to secure a relationship, ever nor do I expect that it will. If I have feelings for someone sex is more intimate. For me, sex is important because I want to be compatable with and physically attracted to my partner, if we can’t connect on that intimate level then I am going to have hard time seeing any longevity in our relationship.
If you haven’t had sex and have no point of reference, no experience to draw from then you can grow together as a couple sexually after marriage. I think that that is beautiful in theory but I do have a point of reference. I do know that a compatable partner strengthens my relationship. And I truly can’t imagine spending my entire life with someone with whom I didn’t enjoy that intimacy.
It’s like I always say, I would never buy a car without test driving it. I am optimistic but not that optimistic.
rolerrol
/ October 10, 2012Hi Teri.
Wow. Thanks for sharing that. There are definitely somethings I would disagree on but I respect where you coming from. Thanks again.
Rolain.P
trjensen
/ October 10, 2012Thanks for the thought provoking topic.
bossymoksie
/ October 10, 2012I LOVED your visual aid!
trjensen
/ October 10, 2012Thank you doll!
Tiffany N. York
/ January 6, 2013There are good men out there…but they all seem to be married! I’m in my forties and live in suburbia. The only guys who hit on me are married, or twenty-something, or major players. So what is a girl to do? All the men I find attractive would make lousy husbands, and all the men who would make great husbands, I’m not attracted to.
I, like you, have always been somewhat optimistic, if somewhat naive about love. But after one disappointment after another, one does start to get a little…bitter.
trjensen
/ January 6, 2013It is a strange place to be in but to be honest I find more men drawn to me n9ow. That is always a good thing.