Last week I came up with an analogy about what dating often feels like, to me.
The dating world is this huge burning campfire. I am standing one side of the fire. On the other side is a nice cool lake. If I can get through the fire then I can jump in that lake and it will all be worth it. It represents my desired end result, the commitment, the love, the security. I can’t walk around. The only way to get to that lake is to make through the fire. I’ve walk in a couple of times and hopped back out burnt and hurting. No matter what I do I can’t seem to make it through the fire to the fucking lake. I’ve tried running, walking, I’ve tried approaching it from every angle. Right now I am staring at the fire, pacing back and forth, wondering how many more times I can jump into before I am actually to scarred for the lake to do any good?
I guess my metaphor for my dating experience wasn’t a very good one. What I meant when I wrote and how it is being interpreted are very different. I don’t often feel likejustifying what I feel because it is how I feel but I didn’t do a good job of articulating what I find frustrating and painful. I shall do so in pictures since I don’t have someone with actual artistic talent to draw it for me.
So essentially dating has been this repetitive storyline, when it comes to anyone I feel remotely emotionally attached to. We date. Things are going well. We fall into this comfortable routine then everything stalls. It’s like I keep hitting the same wall, in the same place every time. I can get up to a certain point with a guy I really want more with and the second I realize that, he’s gone. I am great at dating; men totally dig me when we are dating. It is super frustrating and there have only been two (maybe three) men I have actually wanted something meaningful with in the past three years, it is getting a little frustrating. My attempts at relationships feel a little bit like Einstein’s definition of insanity.
I hope you like my visual aid. I had fun making it.