I admitted to my (second) dad, Jim that I was fighting the urge to send GwtS an email or message. I told him I hadn’t done it. I have always managed to stop myself. I told him that it was hard and I do wonder what is going on with him. He said he understood and that it was hard to stop thinking about someone when you care about them. We sat in silence for a long moment. He was trying to think of something he could say that would make me feel better. “He has a lot of growing up to do. He needs to get his stuff together. He shouldn’t be thinking about women right now. Once he has his life straight he’ll realize what he’s given up.” I love that man. I’ve finally had a chance to have an adult man (father figure) in my life that I know wants me to be happy and to feel loved.
But my dad is wrong about my situation. GwtS will never realize what he’s lost in me. He knew exactly what I was willing to do and how much I wanted to make him happy because I tried, for a year. He knew I loved him and that his happiness meant so much to me. He knew I would always be there for him. He knew all of these things when we were “together” and he decided that all of it wasn’t what he wanted. He knew exactly what he was losing. Everything I felt and did was worth giving up.
I know how that works and I don’t lie to myself about it. He didn’t want me. I have to accept that. It is a harsh reality but reality nonetheless. Because it went on for so long, my loving him and him indulging me when it was convenient for him; I couldn’t even imagine what it would be like to keep him in my life. I don’t think I could ever speak to him or seem him without feeling pain. I told him, when I asked him to stop trying to contact me, that I had nothing left for him but tears and that if he cared about me at all he would just give me room to heal. I haven’t heard from him since.
What has had me contemplating contacting is that lingering concern for his well-being. That care and desire to know he is okay doesn’t go away even if he can’t be part of my life. I can’t imagine having a conversation with him. The other day, I received a phone call from his area code. I let it go to voicemail but the entire time it was ringing I was trembling and on the verge of tears. It wasn’t him. I went back to my place and cried.
I can’t talk to him. I can’t pretend I am okay to make him feel better. I told him, the last time we spoke, that we shouldn’t speak to each other anymore. I told him we weren’t friends, I was in love with him and he didn’t love me back so why would we speak. I feel like he took advantage of how I felt about him. Part of wishes that we could be friends, but I can’t do it. I have been let down too many times. As long as I allow him to be part of my life I will always harbor feelings for him. I don’t think that would ever stop making me sad.
But I still want to know he is okay. I want to know where he works and how his sons are. But if he wasn’t okay I would want to help and I can’t be there for him anymore. He knew what he was jeopardizing and he knew what he stood to lose. None of it mattered enough… at least not to him.
For the record: I did everything I could for GwtS because I was happy and I care about him. My caring wasn’t healthy for me anymore so I bucked up and said no more. I have accepted what has happened but I don’t regret anything I did for him because everything I did was done out of love.
You can’t expect me to be fine; I don’t expect you to care. – Maroon 5
The Wandering Mind
/ October 1, 2012He’s fine where he is. He’ll call when he needs some comfort or an ego boost, until then he’ll live his life. He’s keeping himself busy & I suggest that you do the same. Caring for someone can be a great thing, but it shouldn’t make you feel this miserable, especially when it is so one-sided. You wanted to be his “anchor”, keep him grounded & secure, and even now you’re still trying to be that.
Don’t let your love weigh you down when it can take you higher, let it go, set it free.
I’m so glad (and a bit envious) that you have a 2nd father, I wish I had one, but I never have, so cherish him. The world is full of possibilities, GwTS was just one of them.
trjensen
/ October 1, 2012I am okay where I am. I mean there’s a hole and I waiting for it to close up. I am trying to put some distance there and I am. The caring is still there. But he did ask me for help, after he told me he had slept with someone else. I think that was really the moment I was forced to acknowledge how little he respected me. I knew in that moment we were done and I couldn’t have him in my life. I wouldn’t help him because he decided that he could do without my help. But I would probably want to. LOL!
The Reemachronicles
/ October 1, 2012Dealing with a tough breakup is probably one of the toughest things. I do think deep down you focus on the good times you guys had and that’s why you want to see how he’s doing?
trjensen
/ October 1, 2012He was actually kind of floundering in many aspects of his life when I ended it. And the caring is just lingering because I do care but I think about the bad shit between us way more than I do the good.
A Dog With Fleas
/ October 1, 2012It’s so true that even though we know we can never be together with someone, the feeliing of loving them and wanting them okay is never erased. And it could be a feeling you have for him your whole life.
But you did what is right for you in the moment, and that is all you can do. Doesn’t mean it hurts any less though. Hope you get through these hard times,, and glad you have a “second father” who loves you and is there to listen.
trjensen
/ October 1, 2012I am genuinely okay. I know I had to make that hard decision because he was never going to. But the care and concern is still there. I am sure I will always wonder but I just can’t participate in his life.
bossymoksie
/ October 1, 2012F*ck that. It’s his job to make sure he is doing okay and to get better, not yours. And I agree with your second dad, once he does that (if he ever does), then he’ll realize what a jack*ss he was in general. I’m sure you’re not the only woman he’s hurt.
You should be spending your energy wondering how you’re gonna get him out of your system for good and how you’re gonna get yourself a REAL man!
Sometimes it’s good to be a b!tch.
trjensen
/ October 1, 2012I am accused of being a bitch all the time. LOL! Like I said, I can’t be invested in his life but it doesn’t mean the caring just stops. I am good where I am at with everything. I said no more and I meant it. I can’t be open to him. I know that! I write about it all the time.
I don’t spend much time thinking about getting him out of my system because if I focus on him like that I just miss him. My mind contradicts itself in regard to what I focus on. As is clear in my writing lately, I am focusing on the lessons I have learned. Like I always say I do the stunts so you don’t have to.
I am not in the habit of indulging or keeping people in my life who have wounded me. I never have been. I can forgive them but I sure as shit won’t give them the opportunity to do it again. On the upside, I am really hard to hurt, emotionally or mentally. If my 1st father taught me anything it was never give anyone the satisfaction of seeing you cry.
bossymoksie
/ October 1, 2012Good! It’s good to forgive too, so that you don’t get bitter. But it’s better to leave it (and him) alone. I can see you are working on moving past him.
trjensen
/ October 1, 2012I am leaving him alone:) I am not a masochist. I like myself too much.
bossymoksie
/ October 1, 2012benzeknees
/ October 1, 2012I hope you get the time to heal you need & continue to have a caring father figure to let you know you are cared for.
I don’t want to rain on your parade, but I am still in love with my ex. I don’t think of him every day & even though I still have contact with his kids, I don’t ask about him (except in the most general terms, about once a year). I do still want to know he is okay even though he let me go. Long ago, I decided he let me go BECAUSE he knew he couldn’t give me what I needed.
DaPoet
/ October 7, 2012It took me over ten years to get over the girl I liked in high school who didn’t like me back and now I work with her cousin. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry!
trjensen
/ October 7, 2012My issue isn’t the not liking. They like me just fine. It is really a matter of getting past a certain point. As for your situation, it is only an issue if you let it be an issue.