I admitted to my (second) dad, Jim that I was fighting the urge to send GwtS an email or message. I told him I hadn’t done it. I have always managed to stop myself. I told him that it was hard and I do wonder what is going on with him. He said he understood and that it was hard to stop thinking about someone when you care about them. We sat in silence for a long moment. He was trying to think of something he could say that would make me feel better. “He has a lot of growing up to do. He needs to get his stuff together. He shouldn’t be thinking about women right now. Once he has his life straight he’ll realize what he’s given up.” I love that man. I’ve finally had a chance to have an adult man (father figure) in my life that I know wants me to be happy and to feel loved.
But my dad is wrong about my situation. GwtS will never realize what he’s lost in me. He knew exactly what I was willing to do and how much I wanted to make him happy because I tried, for a year. He knew I loved him and that his happiness meant so much to me. He knew I would always be there for him. He knew all of these things when we were “together” and he decided that all of it wasn’t what he wanted. He knew exactly what he was losing. Everything I felt and did was worth giving up.
I know how that works and I don’t lie to myself about it. He didn’t want me. I have to accept that. It is a harsh reality but reality nonetheless. Because it went on for so long, my loving him and him indulging me when it was convenient for him; I couldn’t even imagine what it would be like to keep him in my life. I don’t think I could ever speak to him or seem him without feeling pain. I told him, when I asked him to stop trying to contact me, that I had nothing left for him but tears and that if he cared about me at all he would just give me room to heal. I haven’t heard from him since.
What has had me contemplating contacting is that lingering concern for his well-being. That care and desire to know he is okay doesn’t go away even if he can’t be part of my life. I can’t imagine having a conversation with him. The other day, I received a phone call from his area code. I let it go to voicemail but the entire time it was ringing I was trembling and on the verge of tears. It wasn’t him. I went back to my place and cried.
I can’t talk to him. I can’t pretend I am okay to make him feel better. I told him, the last time we spoke, that we shouldn’t speak to each other anymore. I told him we weren’t friends, I was in love with him and he didn’t love me back so why would we speak. I feel like he took advantage of how I felt about him. Part of wishes that we could be friends, but I can’t do it. I have been let down too many times. As long as I allow him to be part of my life I will always harbor feelings for him. I don’t think that would ever stop making me sad.
But I still want to know he is okay. I want to know where he works and how his sons are. But if he wasn’t okay I would want to help and I can’t be there for him anymore. He knew what he was jeopardizing and he knew what he stood to lose. None of it mattered enough… at least not to him.
For the record: I did everything I could for GwtS because I was happy and I care about him. My caring wasn’t healthy for me anymore so I bucked up and said no more. I have accepted what has happened but I don’t regret anything I did for him because everything I did was done out of love.
You can’t expect me to be fine; I don’t expect you to care. – Maroon 5