I am a work in progress. I will continue to evolve, grow and adapt my entire life.
About four years ago I created a list of things that
I wanted to change or improve about myself emotionally, mentally and physically. That list was also the reason I created my first blog, “Almost Back at One.” Some of the items on the list were simple (e.g. Smile all the time.) and others required more time. I found I had to understand why a behavior existed, where it came from and why that behavior bothered me (e.g. find something positive in the people who have hurt you.) Some things on the list just didn’t take (e.g. Don’t be so crude.) I worked the list, became more positive, took responsibility for my actions and had a much clearer understanding of myself.
I haven’t been feeling very positive about the idea of dating and pursuing a relationship, lately. I decided to employ what has worked for me in the past and has helped me change certain behaviors thus ensuring I won’t make the same mistakes in the future. And if you feel that this strategy may work for you please feel free to use it (and let me know what you think.)
So after thinking long and hard about what really bothered me about happened in my last “relationship,” I was able to isolate one behavior that I absolutely have to change in order to care for and protect myself in any relationship.
Behavior: I am willing to sacrifice my emotional needs to sustain some kind of connection with someone I care for. (This is has been an issue with both of the men I have been serious about, since my return to dating.)
Where did this behavior exist?: I was raised in a home where displays of affection and positive sentiment seldom occurred. As a result I have been willing to accept far less love and support than I give.
Why this is behavior bothers ME: I am sacrificing what I want and need in intimate relationships. This behavior results in emotional pain and stress that inhibits my ability to deal with my peers in a healthy way. I am having a much harder time being positive, optimistic and open.
What can I do to change this behavior?: Socialize with people who are open and reciprocate when I am open and express sentiment. When dating, only pursue a stronger connection with people who appreciate and acknowledge what I offer and who reciprocate.
Sometimes identifying and understanding why a behavior exists is easy. Changing the way you think about in personal relationships and how you behave in them isn’t always so easy. If you are doing something that YOU find detrimental to your emotional and mental well-being, you are the only one who can change it.
WordsFallFromMyEyes
/ September 21, 2012Good on you, your pragmatic approach to life. Fancy doing a list – I never have, for fear I won’t be bothered attending to it all. Excellent start!
And it’s great how you identify what needs doing. You’re very proactive in your own spiritual success on this earth. It’s wonderful.
Deliberately Delicious
/ September 21, 2012I really like the ideas you present in this post. I had the great good fortune to meet a man after my divorce who loved me so hard , I didn’t know what hit me. For the first time I realized what was possible. And though the relationship has ended (oh, the complications of mid-life relationships!), that man set the standard for what I now expect. We all deserve a deeply intimate emotional connection in our lives.
trjensen
/ September 21, 2012Agreed.
A Dog With Fleas
/ September 21, 2012I am glad you reallze the behavior so you can be cognizant of it. Like you said, it may not always be easy to change at first. But be wise to it is a start and you can now recognize when and if you may fall back into that behavior!!
I know that all to well since we share the same behavior. Good luck since it is not always easy, butlike you said, we are the only ones who can change i.
trjensen
/ September 21, 2012I will get there. I really need too. I don’t settle for lesser treatment in the rest of life so I need to just stick to that across the board.
Pink Ninjabi
/ September 21, 2012Another amazing post! Inspires me to be so much better than the traps I set for myself. Thank youuuu
laurabennet
/ September 21, 2012Thanks for checking out my blog. I hope it was helpful! I’m glad you liked it. I so agree with your post – it’s easy to be okay with people treating us poorly when we have become used to that as a way of life. I have struggled with minimizing abusive behavior and taking responsibility for everything others do. While I certainly have my faults and things that need to change (and are), I’m learning to be a good steward of myself. In the long run, I can love others better if I know and love myself. Ultimately, I find that love comes first from Jesus. Thank goodness!! You’re thoughts here are so honest and insightful. Thanks for sharing!
erogenoUSblog
/ September 22, 2012You are not alone in this boat. Reading this post, I could have written your list word for word about myself. I used to think I had issues with commitment. Now, I’m looking deeper. It’s a word that a lot of people associate a lot of stigma, but “codependency” encompasses this behavior towards ourselves. I wish you nothing but the best with this list and more!
Amanda
/ September 23, 2012I don’t even know how I ended up here, but I thought this post was great. I don’t know who you are but certainly you are going to a famous blogger if you are not already
Cheers!
highheelsandlowcalories
/ September 23, 2012I can totally relate to this post. I hadn’t thought of it in this way before but maybe ill have a go at doing what you’re doing and see how things change. Cos god knows something needs to change!!
trjensen
/ September 23, 2012It has worked for me!