I spent most of my childhood being hearing that I was ugly, no one loved me, no one would ever love me, I wasn’t smart, I wasn’t good at anything and I would be alone forever. I was told these things by one of the only people in my life that should have loved me unconditionally. I grew up believing, well into adulthood, that these were all basic truths that I had to accept. My dating life in my late teens and early twenties only strengthened my belief that my father was probably right on most accounts.
When I stopped dating and having sex at twenty-four, I found it easy to abstain because with a young son to provide for and bills to pay the screams of the needs drowned out the whines of the wants. That period of my life did afford me some opportunities to challenge what I had known about myself since childhood. It turned out I was good at great deal of things. I was a good writer and I was driven. I found positions in areas that interested me, like television, which I had no experience with at all, and I learned everything I could to make myself an asset to anyone who gave me a shot. Over the course of a ten year period I won three national awards and four regional awards, as a producer and director in video and television.
I realized that I was, in fact, an intelligent young woman who could really do anything she put her mind to. Slowly through the years, the facts my father told me were refuted. The only truths I hadn’t been able to disprove were the ones regarding emotional connection and the more superficial assessments of my physical appearance. I had convinced myself for most of my son’s childhood that I didn’t want a relationship and probably never would.
As my son neared adulthood, I began to ponder what I could and would do. Three things happened that changed everything for me. The first, I had a much higher opinion of myself. There were things I knew I excelled in and stopped letting anyone tell me otherwise. I had developed some self-confidence. The second, I was committed to being more positive about myself and the world around me. I created a list of things I felt needed to change in my life and addressed them. And lastly, I learned to love and really care for myself.
It turned out that one of the side effects of being confident and loving yourself is that you garner a lot more attention. I got a lot of male attention. One more of my father’s truths scratched off the list… not ugly… actually pretty attractive. I began to realize that I didn’t want to be alone after all. I wanted a partner, a companion. I thought a lot about what dating would be like given my circumstances. I thought it would surely be easier to date now that I was older. People my age had surely moved beyond the game playing and drama that filled my romantic life as a younger woman.
So I started dating and quickly discovered that dating was still tricky. I encountered the same problems I did at twenty-four. But finally I found a man I really liked and we began dating. I allowed my value to be depreciated by a man who really just wanted to break my will. When that relationship ended I was kind of lost and pissed. I decided I needed to change my thinking about a few things. I began casually dating and having lots and lots of sex with lots and lots of boys. I realized that it was nice to experience all of the great moments that dating can provide without the emotional pain that often comes with trying to establish a relationship.
I still wanted more than a few nights of fun with a slew of physically attractive men. I really just wanted one. I hadn’t found him yet but I opened myself up to the possibility of trying for something more again. One night at a bar I met a guy who I thought would just be another temporary good time. My plans for a temporary arrangement turned into something a little more significant. After about a month I realized, for the first time, that I actually wanted to be around this person and only this person for a very long time. We were good for a few months then we stopped dating due circumstances I understood and had to accept. After two months we were dating again and everything I felt for him had blossomed into something more intense than I had felt for anyone. I wanted so badly to build a committed relationship. I tried for the better part of six months. In the end it didn’t happen and I had to admit to myself that he just didn’t and never was going to love me.
I love myself and I am proud of everything I have accomplished. But every time I try so hard and everything falls apart, I hear my father’s voice. “No will ever love you; no one will ever want you.” (Not anyone I want anyway.) I know that isn’t the truth but it is hard not to think about when you feel like you’ve given something everything you have and not succeeded.
I guess I am just not used to being bad at something.
At least my ego is still intact.
JWo
/ September 20, 2012Very deep and emotional post.
I can tell you are a very loving and giving person. You will find someone who will love and appreciate you for that. Don’t give up and don’t think something is wrong with you.
Someday you’ll look back and this time in your life and realize you had to go through it to get to greener pastures.
Hang in there Teri.
JWo
trjensen
/ September 20, 2012I know everything happens for a reason. I know there are lessons in it. But when you have feelings for someone and they just don’t care. That is hard to get over. I think that bothers me more than him not loving me back. Dating is like jumping into a fire and then acting suprised when you get burned. And there is no way that isn’t going to hurt. Right now I am staring at the fire, pacing back and forth, wondering how many more times I can do this before it actually hurts me.
I guess I am just not feeling very optimistic about it right now. But thank you again J! I really do appreciate it.
The Wandering Mind
/ September 20, 2012“When you try your best, but you don’t succeed… When you get what you want, but not what you need… I will try to fix you.” – Coldplay
You tried. That is more than most people are willing to do.
You got close to actualizing something you may not have always realized you needed.
The way I see it, you’re one step closer to figuring out what not only works for YOU, but also what you truly deserve & are ready to accept.
The only thing you’re bad at is giving up. And that’s a good thing in this case. Keep trying, just try something different.
*Hug*
trjensen
/ September 20, 2012It is so funny that you and I relate the same things to the same situations. I almost broke my neck trying stop this song from playing while I was running yesterday.
I feel like am trying something different, every… time…
I will try again when I am intersted in someone but damn if I am not sick of hurting myself.
Viciously Sweet
/ September 20, 2012My tenacious Teri. I can relate to you in so many ways… I used to be told that I was too fat to be found attractive by anyone because I was the only one in my family with a different shaped body. It hurt, and then when I grew up I focused on my brain (the only thing I had.) And I found out too everyone’s opinion
of attractiveness is different… I just never seem to find a guy that has equal and appropriate feelings for me! I know in time we can both find someone fantastic. Just the waiting part is the worst!
Good luck and lots of love!
trjensen
/ September 20, 2012Oh beautiful girl. I don’t know if it is even the waiting. I just feel like I truly don’t understand how a relationship works. It seems that no matter how I approach it the end result is the same. I feel like I just suck when it comes to commitment. I used a simile earlier and please don’t think I am referencing you at all. After some consideration I have modified it slightly.
The dating world is this huge burning campfire. I am standing one side of the fire. On the other side is a nice cool lake. If I can get through the fire then I can jump in that lake and it will all be worth it. It represents my desired end result, the commitment, the love, the security. I can’t walk around. The only way to get to that lake is to make through the fire. I’ve walk in a couple of times and hopped back out burnt and hurting. Not matter what I do I can’t seem to make it through the fire to the fucking lake. I’ve tried running, walking, I’ve tried approaching it from every angle. Right now I am staring at the fire, pacing back and forth, wondering how many more times I can jump into before I am actually to scarred for the lake to do any good?
I am just not feeling very optimistic about me ever making it to the lake. I am running out ideas; I am so discouraged and still waiting for the burns to heal and everytime I get burned it takes longer for the wounds to heal. I hate when I can’t control the way something will turn out. I am so impatient and frustrated. But I really want it I just have to work up the nerve to try again.
bossymoksie
/ September 25, 2012To get at you through your metaphor, what you need to do is hose that fucking fire down and walk yo gorgeous ass to the lake. Real love and connection doesn’t burn in the way that singes and blackens the skin. It burns from within, so hot it is blue, and makes your skin feel alive. Maybe you just need to swallow that fire!
There shouldn’t be pain in connecting and relating. And there are always warning signs before you start getting that painful burn. You just have to pay attention. To yourself.
The Drunk Archer
/ September 20, 2012Your plights are things I’m going through. Everyone says its terrible to be this paranoid at my age (21), but I can’t help it… I view guys as enemies… I can’t help it, my ex let me down badly.
Pls remain optimistic for both of us, I’m rooting for you from over here!
trjensen
/ September 20, 2012Thank you!
Pink Ninjabi
/ September 20, 2012You’re such an incredible warrior of life, I’m so inspired as my father too had pretty much told me he didn’t want to see me, and it totally broke my heart which led me to be attracted to unavailable guys (still a problem I have). I’m terrified of relationships and literally run away from them. Any tips for the abandoned?
Pink.
Cakes McCain
/ September 21, 2012Teri, I can assure you – you’re not “BAD at it!” We are in the relationship game here, this is not something you’re doing alone. We’re dealing with other people, their baggage, their attitudes, and above all their EGOs, some are going to be more damaged than others. You opened and gave yourself freely… and he never got there, for whatever reason (which isn’t your fault). I went through something similar a year ago and I knoiw that soon you’re going to be ok, even better and stronger. In your words, he really just is a giant “ass hat.”
For now I’d say go hang out with some fun people, and maybe find some books that can inspire you… be nice to you, because you deserve it.
trjensen
/ September 21, 2012I can’t even get to the relationship part. LOL!
Cakes McCain
/ September 22, 2012me neither but u know what I mean. Glad to see you are back and writing a lot tho!!! Keep going!!! xo
The Scales of Time
/ October 1, 2012TR, Hey I just wanted to say that I spent the last 15 or 20 minutes looking through your stuff. You are prolific and well spoken in your writing. Your tone and timber are easily understood and there is no mistake in reading what you have written. You can be certain that I will be looking at more of your work. Feel free to stop by and give a shout.