I have been kind of in a state of shock about some of the recent events in my life. I will blame my toe. My toe is totally to blame for my emotional shock. I spend a lot of time and energy doing things for other people. I was sort of born into the role of care giver and helper for those I love. I believe that every journey has a focus and as hard as I try to focus on my needs, I often find someone or something else to focus all of the good, love and care on. My life has been one of trying to make others feel good. [Insert slut joke here]
I have found to varying degrees that I find it difficult not to coddle and care for the people in my life. The stronger I feel for them the more intense my desire to do for them is. Some people find this intensely uncomfortable, some people enjoy it and others see it as an opportunity to take advantage. People assume that because I forgive easily and I am so willing to help that I am weak.
I have been dealing with some of that recently. I want to take care of the people I love. It is one way I try to show I care. The key word in that statement is “want.” I have been known to forgive some acts that most people wouldn’t be able to forgive, acts that have quite literally uprooted my entire sense of self. I have done that for love. And I have allowed myself to continue to care for and feel for people who have learned to expect, that no matter what, I will always be there regardless of how they treat me.
This phenomenon is entirely my fault. I teach the people in my life how to treat me. If I overlook behavior that causes me pain then I am telling them that their respect is not something I need. When it becomes an issue for me, is when my goodwill becomes an expectation. If you hurt me I may let it go for a while but when I realize I am being used I am forced to see the situation for what it is.
As is normal, being taken advantage by someone you love and want to make happy is painful. You have to make decision to cut your losses, forgive them one last time and move on. Right now I am trying to do this. I am trying to accept that someone who means the world to me really doesn’t see the value in having me in his life. He made a decision and that decision means I can’t be supportive in the way I have always been. I didn’t choose that; he did. I don’t think I would have ever had the strength to choose that because I care for him deeply and probably always will.
But if you decide what I am only allowed in your life in a capacity that is useful for you (or you make that same decision three times) at some point I am going to break my heart one last time on your behalf and say, I won’t be in your life only when you need me. I can’t keep holding on to the hope that you will finally see that I care for you. I have learned my lesson and can’t help you anymore. I didn’t stop doing things for you because I stopped caring; I am just admitting to myself that you never cared about hurting me.