I referred to my mother and maternal grandmother as my parents growing up. I was raised by them. Shortly after my mom and father separated, my mom was diagnosed with severe COPD and my grandmother began to fight her first battle with cancer. I had the responsibility of caring for these two women who taught me the true meaning of strength. I also had an underlying fear that I was going to lose them both at a young age. I would lie in bed and pray. I asked God to let me keep my parents every night from the age of 13 to the age of 19. Every night for six years I asked Him not to make me an orphan. In 1992 I lost one parent, my grandmother lost her second battle with cancer at 85 years old, eight months after my son was born. I was nineteen years old. After a year and several long stints in the hospital, my mother died due to her chronic lung issues. She died two months before I turned twenty-one.
I was lost when my parents died. I lost myself for over a year, focusing on my son gave me the strength to keep moving forward. Still I was young when I lost my parents, I long for the wisdom and strength I had drew from them. Emotionally I was still very much lost with no real family to draw to connect with. Two years after I lost my mother I moved southern Oregon to live near longtime family friends. I took a job at a local manufacturing plant and met the woman who stepped into the role of my mother.
Jan and I connected immediately, the ease in which she accepted people, even loved them reminded me so much of my own mother that I was drawn to her. She loved me unconditionally. She saw something in me that I, at the time, did not see in myself. After a few months she introduced me to her husband Jim and they began to refer to me as their own daughter. We became a family. She helped me with my son, sitting for me while I was at work and inviting me to dinner and family functions frequently. When I moved to Portland we stayed in touch but didn’t see each other often. My momma and daddy came to visit occasionally and I called when I could but we didn’t get to see each other as often as any of us would have liked.
This year when I began to struggle I talked to momma a lot. When it became clear I would need to move and regroup, she and daddy nearly insisted that I come and stay as long as I needed to. I moved in with my parents and over the course of the past week I have been getting settled back into my home. I can’t remember the last time I felt like I was really home. I am in a place filled with unconditional love and support. I feel safe and at ease.
I didn’t want to move back to southern Oregon. I didn’t want to lean on anyone, especially my parents. But from the moment I pulled up in front of their house I have felt at peace. Only home and a family that loves you can do that. I needed my momma and daddy and they needed me too. I feel blessed that I have them in my life. God blessed me with two sets of parents (and a sister) that love me and my son unconditionally. The truth is I think we all need each other. We needed to be together again. It was time for me to come home.
The Wandering Mind
/ July 5, 2012I am so glad that you have been blessed with such loving & caring people. May you find the strength, guidance & love you need with the people that you call your home. Welcome home Teri.
lizziecracked
/ July 5, 2012Glad you are feeling at peace and loved. Sometimes we ust need to go back to where we felt that the most to get ourselves together don;t you think? I long for home..
trjensen
/ July 15, 2012It is a good feeling.
silentlyheardonce
/ July 6, 2012You sound like you finally have some peace. I’m happy for you.
nancyelizabethlauzon
/ July 9, 2012They sound like true blessings!
Jessica
/ July 14, 2012Honestlty I don’t know why I’m sharing this with you-perhaps merely because it’s on my heart. I visited your blog tonight wondering how you were doing. This made me realize that for reasons, though we are estranged and wounded by words or ways of one another i feel a connection to you and the journey you are on I think because though mine is not the same, at the core, it is I think. It brought joy to my heart to read your ” home” entry tonight. I too received the gift of making the tough decision to accept that I needed help and love in my life and moved home to the only people that could offer me love that i could not offer myself. Its interesting that i think we know in our hearta what we need to do at most points in our lives. But so iften we dont do thise things. Recently we findlly both have. It’s incredible how so much good can come of situations we initially look upon as a last resort. I so agree with you that we all need to admit that we need each other, that none of us can get through it on our own and that sometimes we need people to hold us up and remind us that just being who we are is all that is needed to be loved and appreciated. Have you thought about going into counseling or psychology? I think able to really see people is a gift that i kind of think we both share. Recently I’ve realuzed that I value mental health and wellness of being so much that I know for sure that I want to spend my time in a career where I can help people get back the lives they have lost or are losing. I wonder if being able to do that would be just as meaningful for you? You may hate me still, or always, and I don’t want you to forgive until you are ready if that time ever comes for you but know that I am truly sorry for the insensitivity I showed you and the ways in which I have hurt you. I think it was because so often I saw things in me that I didn’t like that I saw in you at times. It was anger and irritation with part of who i was that i chose to attack in you rather than in me. I can’t undo them or I would. Just know that. I wish you all the love and strength you need to put your pieces together! And I mean that. I will be cheering for you. Without these hardships and trials, we wouldn’t be the people we are. There is so much good that is there in life and in all of us even amidst all the difficulties and pains!
trjensen
/ July 15, 2012No worries!
Breaking Through The Clouds
/ July 14, 2012Hi just read your last few posts. You are inspiring thanks for your honesty. Over the last few years I learnt the hard way that true strength comes from accepting your vulnerability.
I only wish that when I find myself in that dark place I could use my writing to channel the energy and express my despair (although I doubt I could do it as eloquently or as inspirationally as you do), rather than running away and allowing the despair to control me.
Thank god for the three i’s in narcissistic! How could anyone not love you.
xx
trjensen
/ July 15, 2012I am in such a good place. I really needed to simplify some aspects of my life. I am definitely feeling well.
trjensen
/ July 15, 2012Bodhirose
/ August 13, 2012Came looking to see what’s been going on with you and started here…about when I last read an update. So glad to hear that you have found peace and a sense of safety…and, of course, love…so very valuable, Teri…especially when you’re raising a child…don’t you think. My best to you…