I haven’t written in a while and to be quite honest with you all it has been driving me a little crazy. I want to write but I just don’t do it when I know what I have to say. I have been spending my days just doing what needs to be done and I like the simplicity I have been experiencing very much. I like simple. I can’t remember the last time my life was simple before this.
On the 17th, GwtS came down to visit. He missed me and I missed him. Even after everything I wanted to see him and so he came down to the country to see me. The plan was for him to stay a week but the day before he was scheduled to leave he told me he wanted to stay longer. He extended his visit but had to leave Monday. We agreed that he would come back again soon and potentially for an extended visit. I miss him already.
We spent a lot of time exploring the area or cuddling in bed watching movies. Even though it was only for a brief time, he is the only man I have ever felt like I could spend the rest of my time with in this simple life and be beyond content. It’ll likely be a month before I see him again but I know that he’ll be back. We spent the last two days of his visit really trying to just spend time together. Neither of us wanted him to go but as I have said numerous times, our timing has always been a bit off.
It was great to have him here and I am looking forward to seeing him again. Here things are easy for us. Everything seems simpler than it is. It was good to just be able to spend some time together. My life is good and all that has been missing is the writing but now I have that back too.
Posted by trjensen on July 31, 2012
I know it seems like I have fallen off the face of the earth but I swear I am still around. I have been busy settling in, adjusting to the change in my sleep schedule (in the country people expect you to be up and able to function before noon. who knew…) and really trying to organize my thoughts.
I am happy and relaxed. I feel like I am contributing in a physical sense and that is something I really needed. I need to do things and I had become far too accustom to just let everything pass me by for too long. I am in a good place emotionally and mentally. I have my own little space and I am having my first conjugal visit (hehe) next week.
I am very happy to be having company and super duper happy to have lots and lots of opportunities to get some fun cardio workouts ;P I am mean no one really expected that to change right? I am still horny twenty four seven and the lack of men in the middle of farm country has resulted in me inviting men to visit.
But I digress, I am good and I will write something more substaintial very soon. Thanks for the continued support. I hope everyone is out enjoying their lives as well.
Posted by trjensen on July 14, 2012
I referred to my mother and maternal grandmother as my parents growing up. I was raised by them. Shortly after my mom and father separated, my mom was diagnosed with severe COPD and my grandmother began to fight her first battle with cancer. I had the responsibility of caring for these two women who taught me the true meaning of strength. I also had an underlying fear that I was going to lose them both at a young age. I would lie in bed and pray. I asked God to let me keep my parents every night from the age of 13 to the age of 19. Every night for six years I asked Him not to make me an orphan. In 1992 I lost one parent, my grandmother lost her second battle with cancer at 85 years old, eight months after my son was born. I was nineteen years old. After a year and several long stints in the hospital, my mother died due to her chronic lung issues. She died two months before I turned twenty-one.
I was lost when my parents died. I lost myself for over a year, focusing on my son gave me the strength to keep moving forward. Still I was young when I lost my parents, I long for the wisdom and strength I had drew from them. Emotionally I was still very much lost with no real family to draw to connect with. Two years after I lost my mother I moved southern Oregon to live near longtime family friends. I took a job at a local manufacturing plant and met the woman who stepped into the role of my mother.
Jan and I connected immediately, the ease in which she accepted people, even loved them reminded me so much of my own mother that I was drawn to her. She loved me unconditionally. She saw something in me that I, at the time, did not see in myself. After a few months she introduced me to her husband Jim and they began to refer to me as their own daughter. We became a family. She helped me with my son, sitting for me while I was at work and inviting me to dinner and family functions frequently. When I moved to Portland we stayed in touch but didn’t see each other often. My momma and daddy came to visit occasionally and I called when I could but we didn’t get to see each other as often as any of us would have liked.
This year when I began to struggle I talked to momma a lot. When it became clear I would need to move and regroup, she and daddy nearly insisted that I come and stay as long as I needed to. I moved in with my parents and over the course of the past week I have been getting settled back into my home. I can’t remember the last time I felt like I was really home. I am in a place filled with unconditional love and support. I feel safe and at ease.
I didn’t want to move back to southern Oregon. I didn’t want to lean on anyone, especially my parents. But from the moment I pulled up in front of their house I have felt at peace. Only home and a family that loves you can do that. I needed my momma and daddy and they needed me too. I feel blessed that I have them in my life. God blessed me with two sets of parents (and a sister) that love me and my son unconditionally. The truth is I think we all need each other. We needed to be together again. It was time for me to come home.
Posted by trjensen on July 5, 2012