I talk a lot about casual sex because casual sex is amazing. I truly believe casual sex can be a beneficial part of feeling empowered. Controlling your emotions in intimate situations can be of great benefit to you in many aspects of your life. Over the course of my series on casual sex I have had women express to me that casual sex left them feeling empty, used or ashamed.
First let make it clear, I don’t have sex with anyone I don’t feel some sort of connection with. If I don’t feel something drawing me to a partner then I am not going to have sex with them. It is just that simple. I have only been in a casual sex situation twice in the past few years when I felt like I didn’t connect with my partner at all. That made feel a little “bleh” about the experience and the guy.
Do you want to know why this happened? Why I suspect women feel empty or ashamed after casual sex? The reason I felt uncertain and a little uneasy about the entire experience was because I wasn’t sure I wanted to sleep with those men in the first place.
If you aren’t sure that you want to have sex with someone then don’t have sex with them. I don’t care if you went home with the guy and now you are feeling a little more uncertain; if you aren’t comfortable or positive then tell the dude you don’t want to have sex. Your vagina is attached to you. You need to be picky about who you are going to let stick their tongues, fingers, fists and or dicks inside your pussy. She is your friend and she deserves the best you can provide her.
When you aren’t certain you want to be intimate with someone and you aren’t really feeling what you are supposed to before sex then don’t have sex because odds are that you aren’t going to be feeling too great about what happened if you weren’t sure you wanted to be intimate to begin with. If you are having casual sex then you should be sure you are okay with what you are doing and who you are doing it with.
Even in casual situations I always feel a very real intimate connection with my partner. I have always had some positive emotional connection with the men I have sex with. When I talk about the power of casual sex I am talking about controlling your emotional self. It is an exercise in emotional control but you should always feel something when you are having sex. You are literally connected to another person. If you are coming up blank then even I don’t see the point of fucking.
If you aren’t feeling connected to your partner, even casual ones, then something is up. You should be sleeping with partners who make you feel something. Like I’ve said before… I always feel a connection when I have sex and when the X-rated part has ended so does the connection. I don’t want to have sex without some level of intimate connection because if I did, I probably wouldn’t feel good about the experience and I’d probably feel bad about myself.
I have sex because I am meeting some important needs. It satisfies my desire for physical affection, intimacy and emotional connection. Whether or not the sex is casual I always feel those things because if I didn’t… I wouldn’t do it.
mixedracemarriage
/ June 20, 2012Hi Narci. I like your blog. Do u believe in god? In my opinion ‘god’ is man’s way of manipulation. I say get yourself a hot black guy. Once you go black there’s no going back. Casual sex will be finished then. White guys are sexual underachievers. Emily
trjensen
/ June 21, 2012Hello! I actually enjoy casual sex and don’t do it because I find my partners are underachievers. I have been bleesed with some truly amazing partners of all races.
Cakes McCain
/ June 20, 2012great post Teri!
nyomsis
/ June 21, 2012the thing with me is..if i feel a “connection”..i oxytoxin would kick in and I would want much more than a few night stands…and when I dont get it, boy would I be depressed for weeks.sometimes spanning into months…so, it is my conclusion that casual sex is not exactly the best for me right now..you either love me enough or you dont..and if you dont love me enough then you dont need to be smacking bellies with me…yea, I learned that the hard way…love your posts
trjensen
/ June 21, 2012Oxytocin is why we feel that connection and I enjoy that experience I have just learned to control how attached I get. I have got caught up a couple of times but I typically find it is when I engage with one partner over a period of time. That is why I am careful in determining what attracts me in a man. If it is an underlying quality then I will typically take things slower in regard to how I might attach emotionally. The important thing for me is to be able to control what I am feeling and not let my hormones get the better of me. I also don’t feel bad about doing this. I don’t feel depressed or confused. I go through periods (like after a break up with someone more significant) where I want all the intimacy I am missing without jumping into something long term again. I also choose my partners differently when I am not in a place where I feel emotionally capable of exploring the potential of a relationship.
I felt bad about myself and sex for the first seven years I was sexually active. I was ruled by my emotions and assumptions about sex meant. I don’t feel that way anymore. Casual sex isn’t for everyone but if you are capable of appreciating what the act of sex can do for your emotional self, then it can be truly amazing thing.
lifeofalovergirl
/ September 23, 2012I am the same way, during my younger years I had casual sex and felt bad about myself for doing so but now that I am older and owning it and enjoying it and feeling more in control myself I am loving that option. I don’t always want to be tied down to a relationship and thats okay!! Sometimes its really nice to have a casual sex partner to fall back on when things aren’t going so well with the people you are emotional with as well.
I have to throw in a comment to Emily above as well. I am white and the majority of men I’ve been with in my life are black (maybe 80%), I would agree that SOME black men are much more skilled in bed BUT there are lots of black underacheivers in the bedroom as well. I’ve met quite a few. The color of your skin won’t make you a good lover on its own merit. There are some skilled white guys out there too. I have a preference for black men but that doesn’t mean they are all the bees knees or that all white guys are “underacheivers”.
trjensen
/ September 23, 2012I totally agree with you can’t base sexual aptitude on race. I have dated men of many races and have never based their ability or lack of ability had anything to do with their ethnicity.
Jess - The Republican Vagina
/ September 26, 2012I say bull, we don’t have casual sex. Casual sex is like reruns on TV or watching paint dry. When I have sex I’m want to be fully engaged it had better be a full contact activity. As intimate as sex is how can it be something you can take or leave?
I’m 29 now and have learned a few things. The first being that my vagina and my mind think differently and have a different agenda. In my case I can regrettably say this took me longer to learn than it should have.
It started out with me having encounters with the opposite sex that would later leave me with shame and regret. It was then that I learned I have a Republican Vagina.
My Republican vagina calls the shots for one week a month. If you are extra masculine and smell good come on in. Yeah, that bad, not only is a Republican vagina easy (multiple partners) but it also disregards safety measures (let’s ride!!!).
The other three weeks of the month my vagina hibernates, it goes out on dates with nice guys and has respect for the rest of me.
A couple years ago after a particularly bad couple days, first and second MMF (sex was great- still blush thinking about it, but it’s the potential consequences that suck- diseases and pregnancy, who’s the daddy?) as I was forking out money to buy yet another morning after pill that it clicked.
I was only indulging in this type of behavior when I could get pregnant. Outside when I was ovulating and most apt to get pregnant I was picking better men and taking precautions. Turns out my Republican vagina knows and cares nothing about what I wanted, it just wants me knocked up.
How does one go about making a vagina less Republican? It starts with knowing why your vagina acts this way. I also stopped drinking or dating while ovulating. Bought myself a new friend that provides all the variety and stamina I can stand.
I think the natural cycles of women can explain most of our “casual sex”, although in my case it was anything but casual, carnal it a far better description. Love your writing.
trjensen
/ September 26, 2012I don’t have periods so for me that isn’t the issue. I don’t only have sex one week a month. I like carnal but I do have sex casually, that is without expectations, without regret and without the complications I often encounter with men I am dating seriously. If I felt anything close to regret then it would be those times I spent months or years with someone I shouldn’t have. Having sex just for my pleasure doesn’t leave me feeling guilty or confused about what I feel because it is there in the moment and gone the next.
I love the Republican vagina thing. It made me snort.
becomingtherainbow
/ September 28, 2012Sex is sure fascinating, isn’t it? I think there are two essential skills everybody should learn: (1) how to have casual sex, and (2) how to stop having casual sex. Personally, I find not having casual sex the greater challenge, so that’s what I’m working on, but I agree–sometimes a casual shag can be just the thing.
trjensen
/ September 28, 2012I think not having sex is the more difficult exercise as well. Getting laid is easy, not getting laid is an exercise in self control. Good luck!
draurore
/ October 8, 2012HEY, thanks for reading my Orgasmatron article- at bodymindayurveda.com…I love your writing- and your tags are bold girl!!
Good stuff!!! : )
Gezabelle
/ October 13, 2012Gotta say I agree – for me its hot guys with hard bodies and fast bikes – my big weakness. But they have to have a good personality and be able to laugh at themselves. If you can handle causal then, why not? – if you can’t, then don’t. I did not want anything serious when I got out of a bad relationship – I just wanted a good time.
trjensen
/ October 13, 2012I was in the same place for a very long time.
BroadBlogs
/ October 16, 2012Interesting perspective, and one that I suspect many haven’t considered. Thanks.
trjensen
/ October 16, 2012I am sure they haven’t.