We have all felt it… something ends and we feel like we are left to pick up the pieces. We feel wounded/hurt/ broken hearted. These are emotions that often cause us to feel victimized by a person or experience. We fall in love with someone and then it all falls apart. We often have a valid reason for feeling wronged by another party but the truth of the matter is that ultimately we are not guiltless.
When you are in a relationship (and when I say relationship I mean any interaction with another person because you do have a relationship with everyone in your life) you are there because you decided that you wanted to be there. You made a conscious decision to associate with every person in your life for better or worse. As some of these relationships become more intimate you find yourself making some serious decisions. You are investing more in your interactions with a given person. To do this several things need to be present, trust, respect and security.
When one or more of these important elements of a real relationship aren’t present and you decide to proceed anyway you are putting your happiness and your emotional well-being at risk. No one can make the choice to proceed for you. You and you alone decided that one of these important key elements to a strong relationship wasn’t necessary. You decided that your relationship could work without it.
So when you come to the realization that it in fact could not… who is really to blame for the days, weeks, months of emotional pain you’ll have to work through to move forward? If your partner has lied and you’ve let it go you decided that trust was something your relationship could survive without. If your partner disregarded your feeling during an argument; told you were over-reacting and you shook it off; you decided respect was something that wasn’t key to your relationship.
There are always these seemingly minor occurrences that happened in your relationship that you ignored or disregarded. These little things are indicators of issues that can become major problems further down the line. When this willingness to overlook does become a much bigger issue and you start to feel hurt by the lack of trust/respect/security, you really need to consider who is truly at fault.
By overlooking your partners unwillingness to give you what is at the core of every relationship you are teaching him/her how to treat you. You are telling him/her that his/her behavior is acceptable because you didn’t do what you should have when you realized that something was wrong. You didn’t speak up. You didn’t leave. You are showing your partner that you don’t truly believe you are worthy. You are letting him/her know that you are willing to deal with (if only temporarily because these relationships will end) less than what is necessary to sustain a relationship. Actions speak louder than words. We have all had someone tell us they love us but then do or say something that was juxtaposed to that sentiment.
If you stay in a relationship that isn’t giving you what you need, what you have to have to be in a relationship then you are truly responsible for your pain. You decided that some mistreatment was acceptable and that you truly don’t believe that you deserve even the basic requirements of a healthy relationship.
I don’t mean to imply that any of this excuses someone treating you poorly. Anyone you treat well should have the decency to reciprocate. But if you decide that isn’t necessarily needed then you are really the reason you are hurt. You can’t expect someone to treat you better than you treat yourself.
The Wandering Mind
/ June 10, 2012It’s almost as though you were a part of the conversation Lee Stormlover & I had earlier today.
Emotions are like currency, you don’t always get back what you give, but the end product is proof of how much you’ve paid.
You said it best, “You can’t expect someone to treat you better than you treat yourself.”
nyomsis
/ June 10, 2012All I can say is wow….dis is truly an eye opener…I had a similar discussion with a friend earlier on about a failed relationship I had….and it said the same thing…I will keep re-reading this to remind myself when someone new arrives (lol)…thanks
trjensen
/ June 11, 2012That’s what I am here for.
A Dog With Fleas
/ June 10, 2012I feel like you were writing this to me!! I just ended my relationship yesterday for the same reason as you wrote about. He wasn’t giving me what I needed but I stayed until it became to much. But like you said…these relationships always end. And I realized I wasn’t given back what I gave. Thanks for reminding me that I did the right thing!!
If you don’t mind, I am going to reblog this on my page to remind myself daily that I am the only one who I can count on to treat me right!!
Wonderful blog post!!
trjensen
/ June 10, 2012Of course you can reblog this. Just remember, by allowing someone to mistreat you you are really mistreating yourself.
kelsgonebush
/ June 11, 2012Sometimes its good to be reminded of why I left the last bloke I was with … and this is a great reminder ! Hmm cheated on, lied to . physical abuse spoken to like crap , put all his mates first ..then cried when I left 6 yrs later than I should of ! He is a wanker and I was an idiot for putting up with him ! Xx Kel
trjensen
/ June 11, 2012Hope can be a dangerous thing.
marilynmendoza
/ June 11, 2012Thank you for this post. It has taken me 60 years to learn it and now it is my daughter’s lesson Aloha
Cdn Stormlover
/ June 11, 2012Bravo Teri! Awesome post! Kudos my friend.
We teach people how to treat us. I, for one, intend on being a much better teacher.
trjensen
/ June 11, 2012Me too.
Cdn Stormlover
/ June 11, 2012Hi five bella! Cheers to us!
loveinfairytaleland
/ June 11, 2012Its unfortunate to forget your self worth when you get into a relationship. I have the tendency to just want to help. But I can’t be Captain save a whore… I recently went through a situation where my feelings were compromised for someone who wasn’t really worth it. It was a consequence of being lonely. Funny how this blog came into fruition shortly after.
trjensen
/ June 11, 2012It is the truth. We’ve all done it. The thing is accepting that you allowed it and not to be overwhelmed by the idea that you are the victim. We are only victimized by our own decisions.
lizajack25
/ June 11, 2012Reblogged this on thehuntformrrightnow and commented:
Could not have said this better myself. All true. And this should be taught to us in school!
Tiny
/ June 11, 2012Very sobering post.
I have often found myself as the giver in relationships, not receiving what I sacrifice in so many ways. Be it romantic relationships, work, even friends and family. Many times I have put my own needs from others on a shelf, waiting (stupidly) for them to recognize that I was a good person and treat me the way I deserved to be.
I recently went through an eye-opening experience in my personal life which made me look very closely at how I have allowed people to treat me over the years. It was a heart-wrenching and traumatic lesson, but the enlightenment that I desperately needed. I learned so much about myself and what I need from others to make it a respectable, and fair, relationship. That can be hard pill to swallow for us givers, not to mention those around us who have come to expect us laying down ourselves in favor of their well-being. But you are entirely correct, we allow this to happen.
I have made the decision to take care of me first now. Thank you for reminding me why.
trjensen
/ June 11, 2012I find myself going out of my way for people too. The trick is not to be totally shut off to the people in your life but rather to give to those who are worthy and reciprocate.
halfwaybetweenthegutter
/ June 12, 2012Absolutely amazing post. I want to comment futher, but I’m too tired to do you the justice you deserve.
I relate to each and every word of your post. And it breaks my heart, because it’s me who hurt myself.
benzeknees
/ July 29, 2012Yeah – someone finally gets it – you teach people how to treat you. When you accept behaviours not acceptable you are right, you are telling your partner you are not worthy. If only more people would get this. Congrats on the great insight!