When it comes time to make a decision you don’t always have a clear answer.  For so many reasons I resent the idea of moving back to Klamath Falls but for right now it is the best option I have.  The thing is I can’t move until July which means I have come it with this month’s rent.  I am not sure that is going to happen.  I have to figure something out. Last night when I decided Klamath was my best bet, I was looking heavily at the pro list.

The Pros

1. Ridiculously low rent.  ($250 for a one bedroom apartment or free if I move into a trailer about twenty minutes outside of town.)
2. Some of the people I am closest to in the world are there so I would have a much larger physical support system.
3. I will have less trouble finding a job.
4. I will have an opportunity to earn and more importantly save money.
5. I will get some much needed distance from some people who have really hurt me.
6. I could really use the quiet time to reflect and take what I need to from what has been a truly hellish two months.
7. I will get to stay in the state, closer to my friends here in Portland.
8. I can breathe.  (If I just not have to worry for even a day or two I would feel a ton saner and right now I can’t even remember how that feels.)

There are a lot of reasons for me to go; reasons that will good for emotional, physical and spiritual wellbeing.  I am still going because it is the best option.  That being said I am really struggling with the cons because some of them could potentially do some emotional damage.

The Cons

1. I will be in a place, that when I left, that I really don’t like. Last time I went to visit Klamath Falls my plan was to stay ten days.  I made five days and went home.  I will have to stay at least a year to get everything back in order.
2. The culture of that small town is very difficult for me to deal with.  I just have a hard time socializing with the people in that town.
3. There is little to do.  Bars and churches… bars and churches.
4. I probably won’t date.  That isn’t necessarily a bad thing but it is a bad thing.  My desire for companionship is as strong as it ever was and because of the overall mentality I find very few men in that town even remotely attractive.  And if I do find someone appealing I sure as shit don’t want to get stuck there.  I know I could never be happy there for long.
5. I will likely have to accept another year of abstinence.  I spent the bulk of thirteen sexless years there.  It was made easier largely due to the fact that most of the men there are of a mindset I find completely vagina drying.
6. When I moved to Oregon I planned to stay in Klamath a year, two tops.  I stayed nine.  That place is the fucking Hotel California minus all the “such a lovely place” crap.
7. I scared I am upping the odds of me truly being alone for fucking ever and I can’t tell you how much I don’t want that.  I don’t want wait.

I have to do something and this is the something I am going to do.  I guess I am just scared and I have to make the best of it but in the long run it is going to be tough to just cut my life off to get shit done.  I have had to do that my entire life.   I put myself in this situation but it still blows.  It makes me feel pretty discouraged.  Maybe once I get out of the mess I am in now it will feel differently but I still feel pretty uneasy.