I have been stuck in an awkward situation with a boy for a while now. I have been trying to figure out a way to remedy the situation but the truth is I have let it reach the point where I am going to get hurt. I am going to get hurt and it is entirely my fault.
I should be dating and trying to find a man who wants what I want. It has been a while since I have had feelings for a guy. It has been even longer since I have really cared about anyone the way I do GwtS. I have spent the better part of the past few months, since he’s come back into my life, trying to maintain a casual relationship with him. I thought that if I gave him time, he would want something more with me.
The truth is I would do anything for him because I love him but I was too willing to do anything when we weren’t in a relationship. Now he expects that from me. He expects me to take care of him. He wants the perks of having a girlfriend without having to commit to me. I know he never will but hope does silly things to rational thought.
I wanted a shot to really make him happy. I wanted to show him that I could support him and that I really wanted to be part of his life. I got my shot and nothing changed. He still doesn’t want me the way I want him. He says we are friends. We aren’t. I don’t want to be friends. I want a relationship. We cannot be friends because I am in love with him and I have just been playing along to be close to him.
I am not being fair to myself. I have put myself in a situation that isn’t going to do me any good. I love a man who doesn’t care about me the same way I care about him. He is never going to. I gave him everything and he never asked for any of it. I don’t hate him. I tried and you can’t blame a girl for trying.
I don’t regret trying. I know I shouldn’t have hung around so long. When I told him I couldn’t be friends with him because I loved him I should have stuck to my guns and walked away. He was hurt and I stayed. I mistook his disappointment as a stronger feeling. Now I have to walk away. We don’t want the same thing.
I wish I could say that someday I could be okay with a platonic relationship (because even the idea of not having him in my life makes me tear up) but I don’t think I could ever get to place where I could be friends with the man I tried so hard give everything. I still want him to be happy and I hope he finds what he is looking for but knowing he found it would probably just hurt.
I should start taking my own advice a little more often, huh? I learn the lessons and pass them on. Somebody has to do the stunts.