I have been stuck in an awkward situation with a boy for a while now.  I have been trying to figure out a way to remedy the situation but the truth is I have let it reach the point where I am going to get hurt.  I am going to get hurt and it is entirely my fault.

I should be dating and trying to find a man who wants what I want.  It has been a while since I have had feelings for a guy.  It has been even longer since I have really cared about anyone the way I do GwtS.  I have spent the better part of the past few months, since he’s come back into my life, trying to maintain a casual relationship with him.  I thought that if I gave him time, he would want something more with me.

The truth is I would do anything for him because I love him but I was too willing to do anything when we weren’t in a relationship.  Now he expects that from me.  He expects me to take care of him.  He wants the perks of having a girlfriend without having to commit to me.  I know he never will but hope does silly things to rational thought.

I wanted a shot to really make him happy.  I wanted to show him that I could support him and that I really wanted to be part of his life.  I got my shot and nothing changed.  He still doesn’t want me the way I want him.  He says we are friends.  We aren’t.  I don’t want to be friends.  I want a relationship.  We cannot be friends because I am in love with him and I have just been playing along to be close to him.

I am not being fair to myself.  I have put myself in a situation that isn’t going to do me any good.  I love a man who doesn’t care about me the same way I care about him.  He is never going to.  I gave him everything and he never asked for any of it.  I don’t hate him.  I tried and you can’t blame a girl for trying.

I don’t regret trying.  I know I shouldn’t have hung around so long. When I told him I couldn’t be friends with him because I loved him I should have stuck to my guns and walked away.  He was hurt and I stayed.  I mistook his disappointment as a stronger feeling.  Now I have to walk away.  We don’t want the same thing.

I wish I could say that someday I could be okay with a platonic relationship (because even the idea of not having him in my life makes me tear up) but I don’t think I could ever get to place where I could be friends with the man I tried so hard give everything.   I still want him to be happy and I hope he finds what he is looking for but knowing he found it would probably just hurt.

I should start taking my own advice a little more often, huh?  I learn the lessons and pass them on.  Somebody has to do the stunts.