Tracy McMillan is a TV writer whose credits include Mad Men and The United States of Tara. Last year she wrote an article for the Huffington Post entitled “Why You’re Not Married,” a book by the same title and a follow up for the Huff, “Why You’re Still Not Married” last week. Tracy has been married three times (and divorced three times) and stated that “I was, for some reason, born knowing how to get married.” She clearly wasn’t born knowing who to marry or how to keep a husband but still she offers single women a variety of reasons why they can’t get a husband. Apparently maintaining a healthy marriage isn’t that important.
Some of her reasons are as follows:
You’re a Bitch: Her assertion is that women are not allowed to be angry or display emotion regarding how they feel.
You’re Shallow: Character is most important (She is right about this) but she implies that any other qualities that are important to you are not really important.
You’re a Slut: You can’t have sex outside a committed relationship. She isn’t referring to cheating. She is saying no sex until you have a boyfriend. I don’t know any man (who wasn’t desperate) who would commit to someone without at least a test drive. I most certainly wouldn’t. And it is always nice to see another female writer perpetuate a negative female stereotype.
You’re a Liar: You aren’t honest about what you want and expect. This is true of men and women. If you don’t tell someone that you want a relationship and not just a fuck buddy then you can’t just hope the outcome will be the one you want.
You’re Selfish: “If you’re not married, chances are you think a lot about you.” All I can say to that is “Fuck off!”
You’re Not Good Enough: Women want to a partner who is better than themselves because they think they aren’t good enough.
You’re a Mess: Her assertion is that you have some deep seeded issue. “You overdrink. You overeat. You overspend. You under-earn. Whatever it is, there’s (at least) one big thing in your life — an attitude, a behavior, a vice…”
You’re Crazy: “Crazy is where you LOVE INTENSITY. You want life to bring the exclamation points!!!!!!!” First, as has been validated by men on this blog, men do like crazy. She is just perpetuating the negative stereo type that women embrace or create drama.
You’re a Dude: Her assertion her is that you don’t have enough drama.
You’re Godless: You lack spirituality so you can’t really understand love. Again I scream, “Fuck off!”
Essentially, McMcMillan is saying that you can’t find a lasting relationship the way you are because who you are isn’t working. You need to change because if you don’t you are selfish. You need to have just the right amount of intensity without being angry or speaking your mind. You have to be rational but not too rational. Qualities that are important to you don’t mean much. You should be willing to settle for someone who is just willing to commit.
This logic is insulting. We are expected to accept men for who they are but need to change things about ourselves to secure a relationship. I am all about growing as an individual; changing for someone else, not so much. If you find something about your behavior that isn’t working FOR YOU then change it but if you are doing it because some guy doesn’t like some aspect of who you are then he needs to go because guess what? Our needs are fucking important. We don’t have to settle for the bare minimum qualities in a man. We don’t have to put everything we want for ourselves aside to find a partner.
Getting married may be easy for Tracy but the reasons she found it easy to get married are the same reasons she didn’t stay married. She wasn’t being true to herself. She was misrepresenting/cheating herself in relationships. If you fake who you are or settle just to secure a relationship then you aren’t in an honest relationship. I don’t want to just get a husband. (I don’t know that I want a husband.) I want a healthy long term relationship with someone who loves me for who I am and is willing to grow with me. But what do I know? I am a selfish, shallow slut.