All posts for the month May, 2012

Hangin’ Tough

I am still really hurting.  I keep trying to remind myself that I am, at the heart of everything that has happened, to blame for everything I am going through.  I let him come back.  When he said it wouldn’t be the same I stayed.  When he didn’t keep his word I tried to make excuses for him.  The truth is I walked into this whole mess with nothing but my optimism and nothing to be optimistic about.

I try to be tough.  I try not to think about the move or the boy.  I remind myself of all the things I need to get done rather than all the things I have to leave.  I cry in the shower.  I lay awake worrying more than I sleep.  I try to keep myself busy.  I try not to let all of the fear, loneliness and anxiety consume me all day every day.

I have been trying for the past few days to move forward like nothing is wrong.  I know that one morning I will wake up and go about my day and suddenly realize that I am not pretending anymore.  That day wasn’t today.  It won’t be tomorrow either.  I know it will take a while.  I can’t wait for that day to come.

I can pretend that everything is alright.  I am tired of breaking into tears on the bus, in a store or while talking to a friend with no rational explanation for why it is happening.  I hate crying in front of people, even strangers.  I almost never cry and if I do I find some secret dark place to do it.  I want to get back to place where I feel more emotionally stable because right now I am not.

I just wanted one person to lean on, to share my load and that one person let me fall.  Now I am leaning on everyone.  I need to get back to walking on my own because right now I feel lonelier than I ever have.  I feel like that void in me, the one I can never ignore actually got bigger and hungrier.  It’ll get easier but for now I have to stay tough.

2 Comments
by trjensen on May 31, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Life, Me
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Posted by trjensen on May 31, 2012

http://narcissistsblog.com/2012/05/31/hangin-tough/

Why You’re Not Married Anymore (Tracy McMillan Drives Me Crazy)

Tracy McMillan is a TV writer whose credits include Mad Men and The United States of Tara. Last year she wrote an article for the Huffington Post entitled “Why You’re Not Married,” a book by the same title and a follow up for the Huff, “Why You’re Still Not Married” last week.  Tracy has been married three times (and divorced three times) and stated that “I was, for some reason, born knowing how to get married.”  She clearly wasn’t born knowing who to marry or how to keep a husband but still she offers single women a variety of reasons why they can’t get a husband.  Apparently maintaining a healthy marriage isn’t that important.

Some of her reasons are as follows:

You’re a Bitch: Her assertion is that women are not allowed to be angry or display emotion regarding how they feel.

You’re Shallow: Character is most important (She is right about this) but she implies that any other qualities that are important to you are not really important.

You’re a Slut: You can’t have sex outside a committed relationship.  She isn’t referring to cheating.  She is saying no sex until you have a boyfriend.  I don’t know any man (who wasn’t desperate) who would commit to someone without at least a test drive.  I most certainly wouldn’t.  And it is always nice to see another female writer perpetuate a negative female stereotype.

You’re a Liar: You aren’t honest about what you want and expect.  This is true of men and women.  If you don’t tell someone that you want a relationship and not just a fuck buddy then you can’t just hope the outcome will be the one you want.

You’re Selfish: “If you’re not married, chances are you think a lot about you.” All I can say to that is “Fuck off!”

You’re Not Good Enough: Women want to a partner who is better than themselves because they think they aren’t good enough.

You’re a Mess: Her assertion is that you have some deep seeded issue.  “You overdrink. You overeat. You overspend. You under-earn.  Whatever it is, there’s (at least) one big thing in your life — an attitude, a behavior, a vice…”

You’re Crazy: “Crazy is where you LOVE INTENSITY. You want life to bring the exclamation points!!!!!!!” First, as has been validated by men on this blog, men do like crazy.  She is just perpetuating the negative stereo type that women embrace or create drama.

You’re a Dude: Her assertion her is that you don’t have enough drama.

You’re Godless: You lack spirituality so you can’t really understand love. Again I scream, “Fuck off!”

Essentially, McMcMillan is saying that you can’t find a lasting relationship the way you are because who you are isn’t working.  You need to change because if you don’t you are selfish.  You need to have just the right amount of intensity without being angry or speaking your mind.  You have to be rational but not too rational.  Qualities that are important to you don’t mean much. You should be willing to settle for someone who is just willing to commit.

This logic is insulting.  We are expected to accept men for who they are but need to change things about ourselves to secure a relationship.  I am all about growing as an individual; changing for someone else, not so much.  If you find something about your behavior that isn’t working FOR YOU then change it but if you are doing it because some guy doesn’t like some aspect of who you are then he needs to go because guess what?  Our needs are fucking important. We don’t have to settle for the bare minimum qualities in a man.  We don’t have to put everything we want for ourselves aside to find a partner.

Getting married may be easy for Tracy but the reasons she found it easy to get married are the same reasons she didn’t stay married.  She wasn’t being true to herself.  She was misrepresenting/cheating herself in relationships.  If you fake who you are or settle just to secure a relationship then you aren’t in an honest relationship.  I don’t want to just get a husband. (I don’t know that I want a husband.) I want a healthy long term relationship with someone who loves me for who I am and is willing to grow with me.  But what do I know?  I am a selfish, shallow slut.

53 Comments
by trjensen on May 30, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Dating, Me, Relationship, Sex
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Posted by trjensen on May 30, 2012

http://narcissistsblog.com/2012/05/30/why-youre-not-married-anymore-tracy-mcmillan-drives-me-crazy/

Even Sluts Have Rules

My last attempt at a real bona fide relationship went wrong in a couple of areas.  One major reason was that I was honest about my past. (In his defense he is not the only one guilty of this.)  I don’t lie about my number and I never will.  If you are dumb enough to answer because you are insecure/curious/have no sense of what is appropriate then I am going to answer the question honestly and without even the slightest hint of regret.  I don’t think it is really any man’s fucking business but I do answer the question.  Shit, I’ll answer any question in an attempt to be as open as possible.  When guys find out that you will tell them anything they want to know one of two things happens.  They decided they want to stop asking questions. (You hurt yourself buddy,) or they assume that you are game for just about anything.

I have rules much like my rules for casual sex.  I have rules for everything.  I like sex and when I want to have sex I typically do.  I may be a slut but I am still ethical.  I am an ethical slut.

Rules to Being an Ethical Slut

  1. Even in casual situations I never sleep with more than one person.  If it is an instance where I am just doing a one-time thing that seems simple but even if I am seeing a guy off and on I never have sex with someone else.  I am a one guy kind of girl.  If I want to have sex with someone else then I simply switch partners.  I suck at juggling.
  2. If I have tried something and I don’t like it then don’t count on me doing it again.  There has been the rare occasion where I didn’t like something with one guy but then enjoyed it with another.  But if I don’t like it, I don’t like it.  A guy bugging me about it will just piss me off.
  3. If I did something crazy when I was single and now we are dating I probably don’t want to do it with you.  When the last guy I dated found out I had a threesome he harped on me and harped on me to try another one.  Under no circumstances do I want to watch a man I have feelings for fuck another woman.  I am not “that cool.”
  4. If we aren’t serious and you want to have sex with other woman that is fine but I don’t want to hear about it.  Don’t confide in me about your fuck buddies, I don’t want to know that the last girl you fucked could squirt too. That just makes me wonder if you changed your bedding and I have better things to worry about.
  5. If you treat me like my feelings about our intimacy don’t matter then we won’t be intimate.  (The funny thing is even in my failed attempts at relationships I always get respect when it comes to sexy time.)
  6. I don’t fuck my friends.
  7. If I even think you are in a relationship I will not sleep with you.

The rules are simple and I have found that by being clear about what you will and won’t put up with you can develop an understanding even in casual relationships.  I am totally turned off by men who assume they understand what I am about based solely off a conversation about our histories.  If I am with you just to get laid I will tell you.  If I want more I will tell you.

Being open is good thing. Just because I behaved a certain way when I was single doesn’t define who I am in a relationship and vice versa.  These rules help keep me from crossing a line I can’t step back from.  The rules don’t change.  I am okay with who I am and what I do because even at my most promiscuous I don’t want to hurt anyone especially not me.

13 Comments
by trjensen on May 29, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Dating, Me, Relationship, Sex
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Posted by trjensen on May 29, 2012

http://narcissistsblog.com/2012/05/29/even-sluts-have-rules/

Questionable Judgement

Choosing to be with someone who isn’t worthy of your time has a tendency to reflect poorly on you.  I don’t mean to sound overly conceited or self absorbed but it tends to lead people to question your judgement.  It is difficult to take much stock in the word of someone who has a difficult time managing certain aspects of his/her life.

I have been learning this the hard way.  First, it came up in a conversation with a friend’s boyfriend.  I introduced “Guy with the Smile” to him one night at a party and they really hit it off.  They actually stayed in touch even after GwtS and I split up last November.  One day about a month after we split and I had been on a date or two with the European, my girlfriend’s boyfriend called me out about having dated GwtS.  He said he didn’t understand how I thought we were ever going to work.  I didn’t answer because quite frankly I didn’t have an answer, all I knew was that I had wanted it to.

GwtS is younger than I am.  We both had pretty marred childhoods.  We both dealt with it very differently.  I came out of mine seeming, at least at the surface, pretty unphased by my childhood.  He wasn’t so lucky.  In his teenage years he made some poor life choices, choices that he will have to deal with for the rest of his life.  He made some mistakes but he had learned from them and moved on.  In many ways we were very alike.

We were also fundamentally different.  I am cautious by nature and he was borderline wreckless, with his words and actions.  I knew none of it made sense but then I thought maybe it could.  I was wrong.

This weekend I was talking to another friend about GwtS’s past and as I listed off the qualities that made him such an odd choice for me his expression went from confused to “WTF” very quickly.  He just looked at me like I was insane.  I think that was the first time I heard myself talk to someone about him frankly.  I was mad.  I should have been looking at myself that way.  I finally was.

Iguess one of the perks and ultimately one of the faults in my optimism and acceptance is that I had opened myself up too much.  I was so open that I wasn’t making any attempt to protect myself.  I think the biggest lesson I have left to learn from this GwtS thing is that I still have to protect me.  I can give  within reason but only to people who deserve it and only when I am not hurting myself in the process.

6 Comments
by trjensen on May 29, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Dating, Life, Me
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Posted by trjensen on May 29, 2012

http://narcissistsblog.com/2012/05/29/questionable-judgement/

Same Page (or Enough is Enough)

I have been trying to stay away from home. I have been trying to busy my mind and making a last ditch effort to pay my rent. I will find out tomorrow if it works. While I was at my friends house the other night, GwtS called me for the first time in a week or so. We haven’t spoke on the phone since he didn’t come up with the money he promised me. I tried not to sound overly sad. The day before he had some pictures of him kissing some girl posted on his Facebook wall and I unfriended him. I don’t want shit like that popping up on my wall.

He asked if I needed to crash on his couch. (He is dating someone because he stressed the couch part.) I told him there was no way in hell I would stay at his place. He asked what my plans were and I told him I was moving. I told him that the cats and I were moving to Southern Oregon. He mentioned us hanging out before I left and while on the phone I agreed that we could. I told him I had to let him go and the conversation ended.

I sat in the dark, thinking about how awful and how much worse I would feel if I saw him. I picked up my phone and texted him. I told him I didn’t want to hang out with him. I told him I was hurt and seeing him after everything would hurt me even more. I am leaving, in part, so I won’t be constantly reminded of the pain and disappointment that plagued our recent interactions. I told him it would make me feel like shit to see him. I hate the way I feel when I spend time with him. I lose a little respect for myself everytime I do.

I need time to heal and constantly picking at scabs ensures they won’t heal correctly. I need to treat myself with better care. I never meant for anything to come of me and him. I knew almost instantly that he would be fun but I also knew that he wasn’t worth much of my time. I knew that! I knew it the night we met. Like I said there are rules but no one is perfect.

We all slip up. I guess it is really a testament to how I feel about myself. He wasn’t right then and he still isn’t. I gave a shot to a guy I knew wasn’t relationship material for me. You don’t get relationships from men who you dated casually. You sure as shit don’t fall in love with them. You don’t… I (apparently) do.  I need to care more about what and who I let into my life.

Everything turned into a big fat mess and now I am dealing with the consequences. Knowing all this doesn’t make it hurt any less. It actually makes me angry that I would settle for less than I deserve. I need to stop doing that. So I won’t be seeing GwtS. Like I told him when he told me I was one of his best friends. “I don’t want a friendship; I want a relationship. I am in love with you. I can’t be friends with you.” He never deserved either. At least we are finally on the same page.

12 Comments
by trjensen on May 28, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Dating, Life, Me, Relationship, Uncategorized

Posted by trjensen on May 28, 2012

http://narcissistsblog.com/2012/05/28/same-page-or-enough-is-enough/

The Reader Appreciation Award!

It is odd to me that right now I am winning any kind of award.  It isn’t that I don’t appreciate the acknowledgement, I am just in transition.  Everything is just bouncing off the the giant steel enforced, Great Wall of China like structure rising up before me.  The award is amazing.  I really appreciate it.

Dark Jade created and honored me with the Reader Appreciation Award.  There were no rules to go along with the award so to be honest I am uncertain if I am meant to pass it on.  If I am I want to pass it along to everyone who is reading this post.  Your support in this difficult time has been immeasurably appreciated and you have all helped in your own way, even if it is just tolerating my lack of posts, interminable whining and  and current disregard for writing anything that addresses the purpose of this blog.

I fear I have lost some readers.  I regret that and hopefully I can win them back but so many of you have stuck it out and continued to support me even as my blog temporarily teeters on the edge of the abyss.  I haven’t abandoned my lifer, my dreams or the ultimate purpose of my blog.  I have just been… otherwise occupied.

I am still here in all my snarky, egotistical glory.  I am still the same girl suffering through my questionable choices, sharing my wisdom so that you might make better informed decisions.  I do the stunts.  Just consider my recent predicament a failed attempt at jumping all nine buses.  I think I only cleared seven and I need a little more time to recuperate, then I’ll be back on my bike trying to jump through twelve flaming rings suspended from helicopters.

I am really happy and honored to accept this award.  And I am passing it on to everyone.  Really, it is the least I can do.  Congratulations and thank you all for sticking by me.

 

16 Comments
by trjensen on May 27, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Dating, Life, Me
Tagged , , , , ,

Posted by trjensen on May 27, 2012

http://narcissistsblog.com/2012/05/27/the-reader-appreciation-award/

Pros/Cons

When it comes time to make a decision you don’t always have a clear answer.  For so many reasons I resent the idea of moving back to Klamath Falls but for right now it is the best option I have.  The thing is I can’t move until July which means I have come it with this month’s rent.  I am not sure that is going to happen.  I have to figure something out. Last night when I decided Klamath was my best bet, I was looking heavily at the pro list.

The Pros

  1. Ridiculously low rent.  ($250 for a one bedroom apartment or free if I move into a trailer about twenty minutes outside of town.)
  2. Some of the people I am closest to in the world are there so I would have a much larger physical support system.
  3. I will have less trouble finding a job.
  4. I will have an opportunity to earn and more importantly save money.
  5. I will get some much needed distance from some people who have really hurt me.
  6. I could really use the quiet time to reflect and take what I need to from what has been a truly hellish two months.
  7. I will get to stay in the state, closer to my friends here in Portland.
  8. I can breathe.  (If I just not have to worry for even a day or two I would feel a ton saner and right now I can’t even remember how that feels.)

There are a lot of reasons for me to go; reasons that will good for emotional, physical and spiritual wellbeing.  I am still going because it is the best option.  That being said I am really struggling with the cons because some of them could potentially do some emotional damage.

The Cons

  1. I will be in a place, that when I left, that I really don’t like. Last time I went to visit Klamath Falls my plan was to stay ten days.  I made five days and went home.  I will have to stay at least a year to get everything back in order.
  2. The culture of that small town is very difficult for me to deal with.  I just have a hard time socializing with the people in that town.
  3. There is little to do.  Bars and churches… bars and churches.
  4. I probably won’t date.  That isn’t necessarily a bad thing but it is a bad thing.  My desire for companionship is as strong as it ever was and because of the overall mentality I find very few men in that town even remotely attractive.  And if I do find someone appealing I sure as shit don’t want to get stuck there.  I know I could never be happy there for long.
  5. I will likely have to accept another year of abstinence.  I spent the bulk of thirteen sexless years there.  It was made easier largely due to the fact that most of the men there are of a mindset I find completely vagina drying.
  6. When I moved to Oregon I planned to stay in Klamath a year, two tops.  I stayed nine.  That place is the fucking Hotel California minus all the “such a lovely place” crap.
  7. I scared I am upping the odds of me truly being alone for fucking ever and I can’t tell you how much I don’t want that.  I don’t want wait.

I have to do something and this is the something I am going to do.  I guess I am just scared and I have to make the best of it but in the long run it is going to be tough to just cut my life off to get shit done.  I have had to do that my entire life.   I put myself in this situation but it still blows.  It makes me feel pretty discouraged.  Maybe once I get out of the mess I am in now it will feel differently but I still feel pretty uneasy.

8 Comments
by trjensen on May 24, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Life, Me
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Posted by trjensen on May 24, 2012

http://narcissistsblog.com/2012/05/24/proscons/

I Used to Rule the World

7 Comments
by trjensen on May 24, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Life, Me
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Posted by trjensen on May 24, 2012

http://narcissistsblog.com/2012/05/24/i-used-to-rule-the-world/

Big Fish

After significant thought, significant and questionable choices I have to face the harsh reality that at least for now I can’t cut it here.  There are a multitude of reasons why but in the end it is simple.  I can’t find a job which means I can’t pay my rent.  With some help from a few of my blogger friends and my friends in the real world I might be able to pay my June rent but I most certainly can’t keep going the way I am.  I am also stuck in an emotional situation that is not healthy for me and at this point running away from that is probably a good idea too.  It seems that after nearly a year (off and on) GwtS is my best/worst vice.  I am my own worst enemy when it comes to him.   I can’t stay away from him.  I can’t give him what he wants which is a glorified fuck buddy and he can’t give what I want which is a commitment.  The better part of my mind is finally putting its foot down.  I am calling done, done.

I am hoping to get June’s rent paid because it gives me time to finalize my next big move.  Run, Teri Run. My friend Monica, who I love very much, did however point out that I can’t run away every time I get my heart broken but as of this moment… I don’t have many options and pretty legitimate reason considering the fact that I am drowning financially.

First I have to thank the people here who have and/or are going to help me.  It means a lot to me.  You have helped me maintain my sanity and every ounce of self-respect I can muster in all of this mess.  So many people have been financially and emotionally supportive of me over the past month.  All of it has helped me get by.

I have been racking my brain, desperately trying to figure out what to do.  My old roommate offered to have me move back to Georgia and share an apartment.  If I were financially stable (and in her defense she doesn’t care that I am not) I would do it but I just can’t do it in good conscious.  I don’t want to lean on anyone like that for any period of time.  Also with no promise of work there either I can’t justify moving across the country where I would like be in the exact same financial position.

Tonight my childhood friend offered me another option.  She offered me a place in the small town I lived in when I first moved to Oregon.  She asked if I would move back to the place I couldn’t wait to escape, Klamath Falls.  Although I loved my job there,  I worked as a television producer for a community production house that garnered me two national awards for television, the town is small and I was too big.  I lived there for nine years.  I met most of my closest friends while living there and several are still in the area.  I left and said I would never go back. . .

Now I am going back. I will have a place to live. I can get a job.  I can clear my head and plan my next move.  I don’t plan on staying but I will have time to write a draft of my book and I will have an opportunity to save money.  I will also have time to line something up and move somewhere I really want to be.  I actually feel pretty good about my decision.  I guess I have to be a big fish in a little pond again for a while.

6 Comments
by trjensen on May 24, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Life, Me, Relationship
Tagged , , , , ,

Posted by trjensen on May 24, 2012

http://narcissistsblog.com/2012/05/24/big-fish/

Stupid Shit Guys Say

I have been looking for a relationship for a long time (three fucking years!)  I am picky as fuck and I know when I want to give someone a shot.  That doesn’t happen very often.  I often try to explain to people that I know when I know.  In the past couple of years, I have actually wanted something significant with someone twice.

I get a lot of male attention.  I am cute and I am not typically shy when meeting someone. I also know I am fucking awesome and that kind of confidence attracts attention. Because of this I have men say things or approach me pretty often.  When I am with someone or interested in a guy that becomes an issue so when I start explaining to men that I have a hard time finding someone to date or develop a relationship with the response is almost textbook.  “Bullshit, guys show interest in you all the time.”

Here is the thing…  Just because a guy flirts with or asks me out doesn’t mean I am interested in him.  If I am uncertain I have a hard time justifying spending time with someone.  Just because someone expresses interest in me, even someone I acknowledge is attractive, doesn’t mean I want to date them.  When guys say I have plenty of options it makes me want to kick them in the balls.  Just because someone finds me attractive or pays attention to me doesn’t mean I have to act on it.  It is actually kind of offensive.  What does that say about my male friends’ opinion of me or women in general?

That logic reminds of the same annoying misconception straight men have about my gay men.  Just because a man is attracted to other men doesn’t mean he is interested in you.  It isn’t some deviant promiscuous trait that indicates that because you have a penis he is going to hit on you or wants you.  Attraction and mutual interest have to be present.  It is ridiculously faulty logic.

I have no desire to be with someone simply because he wants to be with me.  That’ll make for healthy, mutually happy relationship.  I would never date someone just because they find me attractive and the implication that it is that simple to secure a partner really pisses me off.  I have been hearing this a lot lately and all I have to say in response is “Fuck you!” Nothing is that simple.

21 Comments
by trjensen on May 22, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Dating, Me, Relationship
Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Posted by trjensen on May 22, 2012

http://narcissistsblog.com/2012/05/22/stupid-shit-guys-say/

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