I decided I needed to offer a little more insight into the topic of dating a single mom. One of the scariest things for any single mother is letting a man into her children’s lives. It isn’t always the fear that someone might physically harm her child(ren) but that they run the risk of being emotionally damaged by her decision.
Single mothers, especially new single mothers, often feel the pressure to find a man while their child is still small. The more present that man is at an early age, the more likely the child is to accept and truly bond with him and vice versa. This pressure can stem from insecurity, a genuine need for support or misconception about how they may be perceived by society.
This puts women in a very precarious position. They run the risk of falling prey to one of the most common types of douche bag. I don’t know one single mother who hasn’t date this man and he is the reason she is cautious when she dates from that point further. This is a necessary lesson although a painful one to learn.
Every single mom dates the guy who will try to get to her by using her kids. She usually dates him early in her new role as a parent. I didn’t date much when my son was small and never involved men in my family so I learned this lesson when my son was much older. Men who aren’t serious about a relationship with a single mother often try to get her attention by expressing an interest in her child(ren). This is very enticing for a single mom. She has often resigned herself to the fact that she will have a difficult time finding someone to accept her circumstances let alone seem to embrace them. Men who do this are despicable.
This is generally the first timeshe will see her child’s heart break and it also the reason she will forever be hesitant to allow a man to be involved with her children. This “man” is an important part of learning how to be a single parent. He is a necessary evil. If you find yourself wanting a real relationship with a single mom you have to let her accept you in her own time. Don’t focus too much on her children or push the idea of group outings involving her kids.
She has learned her lesson and when she is ready to share her life with you she will. Don’t push her because odds are that her distance has nothing to do with how she feels about you and everything to do with wanting to protect her kids.
singlyoutrageous
/ April 23, 2012“Single mothers, especially new single mothers, often feel the pressure to find a man while their child is still small.”
I absolutely agree with this. I think every day, “Wouldn’t it be great if I could just meet a great guy, get married, and my daughter would have a real father?”
Luckily, I have my therapist to keep me on track with these feelings. My current relationship is just about me and the guy- my daughter will not even be factored in to it until I am sure it is very serious, and that he would make a good dad. He is also okay with this, which helps me to see that he is genuine, because he’s not trying to get to me through my daughter.
Definitely some great insights, thanks!
lizziecracked
/ April 23, 2012this was a great post Teri.. I will tell you I was thinking – when I read the title – from the funny angle.. and there are a lot of funnies about dating a single mom.. but you did a great job of showing the deeper part of it.. and its so so true.. I have just started again.. and the new guy shows interest if I speak of them but does not pry or push. I find this oddly comforting, now I think I understand it better. I have 6 kids so its a little different than 1 or even 2.. I do not hide the fact but I used to put it out there right away in fear I would meet somebody and really like him and then when he realizes the enormity of my gaggle….yea.. what I was doing was broadcasting my desperation.. which wasnt so much that for me but it made me an easy target.. because I seemed desperate to the kind of guy that.. you describe…of course my kids are getting older so the numbers at home are going down but I have a whole different feeling about it too..definitely more cautious..
Laura Roe Stevens
/ April 24, 2012I really liked both of your posts about dating single moms. I’d like to add that many of my singe mom friends (and myself) now only want to date divorced men with kids. I know, it’s a bit of the Brady Bunch mentality. But men who have kids and raise them alone, or part of the time alone, really get it. They understand your priorities and your need to put your children first. They often just want to date sans kids or family involvement for as long as you do. They are also typically not as clingy and get that you can’t go out dancing last minute…that you need advance notice to get a sitter. It may seem a bit prejudiced, but when I first started dating, a year after my separation, I was really shocked at how many single men, young or old, were completely miffed if I couldn’t drop everything and meet them out at the last minute. It was completely insulting. Thanks for posting!
kellylqjoneso
/ October 28, 2012Reblogged this on Kelly Jones Journal.
trjensen
/ October 29, 2012Thank you for the share.