There are some simple rules to help keep you out of trouble when it comes to having casual sex. They are some basic ground rules that will help you understand the separation of sex and emotion and why it can be important not only in a casual situation but in a relationship as well.
The Rules
Have sex with someone you find insanely, physically attractive. The more involved your privates are the less you’ll be thinking with your brain and… you want to fuck someone hot.
Don’t put yourself in a dangerous situation. Be aware of where you are, where you are going and who is going with you. Don’t go home with strangers. I typically go a few dates with the guy first.
If you have casual sex with someone, leave or make them leave immediately after. Don’t go out to breakfast. Just get your stuff and leave.
If you have sex with someone you know be clear with yourself and with him about what is happening.
If you think that someone has feelings for you don’t sleep with them. This is mean and a recipe for disaster or a stalker.
For fuck’s sake, always use protection! I know for most of us this goes without saying but I know women who think that if they can’t get pregnant then raw dogging it is okay. If you are having sex with someone use a fucking condom. Pregnancy isn’t the only thing you have to worry about.
If you have a crush on or have ever had a crush on your partner then that isn’t exactly casual. You have motive and just sleeping with the object of your affection will ensure the best that will come from it is a fuck buddy situation and resentment on your part.
If you have decided to have sex with your friend and you start planning your wedding, anniversary or thinking about what your children might look like… it is time to stop or tell your partner that your feelings have changed. Obviously you view this as some sort of relationship and if you don’t say something it will bite you in the ass.
If you know you are going to judge yourself for acting impulsively then save yourself the time and energy. Don’t hate yourself. Casual sex isn’t for everyone.
So in summation, feel whatever you feel in the moment but when the moment passes so does the feeling. Be careful. Enjoy the experience for what it as and be honest about what expectations you have. Make sure you are doing this to for yourself and you aren’t hurting anyone. Get it? Got it? Good!
The Wandering Mind
/ March 9, 2012And here I thought the rules were unwritten.
trjensen
/ March 11, 2012Better than learning the hard way. LOL!
Lisa Summerlin
/ March 9, 2012I’d add the Phone Call rule. If I’m in it for casual sex, then my partner needs to know that relentless phone calls are NOT necessary. Just call when you wanna get laid again, but calling to ask me how I’m doing or how my day is going? Eh, no time for chit chat! Relationships like these, at least for me, don’t require small talk.
daterofboys
/ March 9, 2012The “leave immediately after” is SO crucial. I know too many friends who get tied up during the actual sleep-over and subsequent breakfast…
trjensen
/ March 9, 2012I have fallen into that. The guy I was dating at the end of last year was supposed to be a casual thing but I hung out. I would just be there all the time and after a while you realize there is nothing casual about what is going on. This is a psuedo relatioship. And cue the heartbreak. I saw it coming months before it did. You can’t get emotionally involved in those situations and you certainly don’t want to be too accommodating. Those are behavior you should reserve for boyfriends.
Andrew Rowley
/ March 9, 2012All rules that should be followed. I don’t understand why people violate. Maybe when you have casual sex with someone you should hand them the rule book as you go to get a drink or something. Once the terms are understood, get naked!
trjensen
/ March 11, 2012Maybe I should make flash cards.
Andrew Rowley
/ March 11, 2012That sounds perfect lol.
lipstickandplaydates
/ March 10, 2012Oh, you forgot one rule: Just leave the money on the nightstand on the way out.
)
trjensen
/ March 10, 2012I am not sure how to take this comment…
pkmadman84
/ March 10, 2012That was a nice article….
Ben Knotts
/ June 13, 2012I don’t think it’s good for people to have casual sex – but I will still commend you for writing a provocative, entertaining post.
Thanks.
benknotts.wordpress.com
alicesexandadventures
/ June 15, 2012Great post and a very solid set of rules to stick to. I think the difficulty comes when you get to the point of realising how your feelings might have changed… at which point it’s too late, and you find your head and heart furiously battling! In my experience it’s best to embark on such relationships with somebody whose company you enjoy and who you’re attracted to, but who (for whatever reason) you could never imagine yourself in a full-on boyfriend and girlfriend situation with. As long as the feeling is mutual, you’re good to go!
trjensen
/ June 15, 2012I find that things get fuzzy when you start hanging around. Keep it simple. Everybody slips up but if you limit the time you spend together you are far less to confuse the situation.
samssocial
/ October 22, 2012Good advice. My only extension on the leave straight after rule would be, don’t even make it home. Plenty of other perfectly good places.
trjensen
/ October 22, 2012Right?
WordsFallFromMyEyes
/ November 5, 2012Hi! I clicked on ‘My Kink Interview’ on the left and enjoyed it. I couldn’t comment though (without logging in though I wasn’t a signee) – so I’m commenting here. It was very interesting to me. I didn’t know you started 3 years ago, & your blog ended when that relationship did… & I loved you responding “I haven’t had my ‘best’ relationship yet”. Really good read!
trjensen
/ November 5, 2012Thank you! I am glad you enjoyed it. I enjoyed doing it. I have a monthly column with the magazine now. http://kinkemagazine.com/issue/september-2012-dominate-issue/section/fact-or-myth
tidewater
/ January 8, 2013There is a rule you didn’t mention that I was taught by a professional “casual”: The Rule of Threes. No more than once every 3 weeks, for a long term casual things, or no more than 3 nights in quick succession.
The important part of the rule is that either it’s very intense for a short period, or there is enough time to forget about the whole thing in between for the long term.
trjensen
/ January 9, 2013I think that is actually a valid point. spending to much time together muddles everything up.
trjensen
/ December 6, 2012I am glad you found them helpful. They have been useful to me.