As promised, this installment of Casual Sex is written by my very good friend, Doug (aka Dark Water) at diaryofadougfiend. I wanted a man’s perspective on the role of sex in relationship. I felt it was important to include a male voice and this is one male voice I greatly respect and relate to. He did an amazing job and I am so thankful to him for taking some time to offer his own perspective. I’ll let Doug take it from here.
I remember a lady telling me that women connected sex with emotion and men were detached. I believed it but only on the condition that I knew I was different. I saw it in many of my friends, but I considered myself a liberated male.
I was an awesome lover way before I’d lost my virginity. I read The Happy Hooker, Your Erogenous Zones, The Joy of Sex and every Penthouse my dad ever bought. All I needed then was an actual real lady to try it out on. That proved difficult because…
What I really was was a casualty from the feminist movement. If women could make the perfect male, according to all their crap written in the late ’70s, they would get disgusted and go find some heartless bad-ass-boy to fuck. What woman wants a man who is overly sensitive and not afraid to cry? Not any of the women I know!
I had a series of bad relationships because I couldn’t separate my dick from my emotion. I needed to become friends with one-night stands. I WANTED to go our for breakfast. I WANTED to turn it into a relationship.
I was mixed up. Stupid 70s!
I’d watch friends lie through their teeth to get laid and the women loved it!
WTF!?! Can’t they see?
And I was so busy thinking about relationship that I’d brush off willing women just wanted to fuck for a variety of reasons because they didn’t appear to be the “marrying’ type. How stupid was that?
I pulled my head out of my ass later on in my late 20s. I realized things like:
To take is to give.
(Everybody thrives on knowing you are having a great time, just like YOU do when THEY are enjoying it!)
Men use relationships to get sex
(Does he suddenly see all the negative things about you immediately following orgasm?)
Women use sex to get relationships.
(Don’t fall for the friendship trap!)
Women love being dominated in many ways.
(Asking for permission is giving up your power)
The man fucks, the woman gets fucked.
(No matter how you rationalize the action, there is a penetrating point where an action is being performed. I know there are variations, but the roles are pretty much hard wired)
You make your mate.
(Give them time)
All this is skirting the question, “How do men and women perceive casual sex differently?”
I’m not sure where the division between social conditioning and genetically programmed human nature is defined; I imagine both come into play. I’ve known a lot of women who just wanted sex with no attachment. I’ve known a lot of men who wanted attachment when they found good, compatible sex.
Is disassociating your emotion from sex as dangerous as having sex with someone you are not attracted to? Relationships that don’t use physical attraction as a basis can be short lived when one of the participants realizes they can’t get it up for the “mind” they fell in love with.
I think monogamy is a myth. I’ve had as many women tell me that as men.
The more I think about it, the more I realize this comparison doesn’t work because there are as many women who can disconnect their heart from their genitals as there are men. It’s all bullshit if defined by gender, very important if defined by aspects within individual people. We are all different.
Ashmita
/ March 7, 2012this was the best male perspective on casual sex! i loved the part most : “To take is to give.
(Everybody thrives on knowing you are having a great time, just like YOU do when THEY are enjoying it!)
Men use relationships to get sex
(Does he suddenly see all the negative things about you immediately following orgasm?)
Women use sex to get relationships.
(Don’t fall for the friendship trap!)
Women love being dominated in many ways.
(Asking for permission is giving up your power)
The man fucks, the woman gets fucked.
(No matter how you rationalize the action, there is a penetrating point where an action is being performed. I know there are variations, but the roles are pretty much hard wired)
You make your mate.
(Give them time)”
this entire above mentioned thing was just loved by me!!! overall an amazing post! and i must say good choice of picture!!!
trjensen
/ March 7, 2012Thanks. I thought the picture was perfect too and you highlighted my favorite section of the piece.
Ashmita
/ March 8, 2012postmod
/ March 7, 2012Like any gender role or stereotype… nothing holds true 100% of the time. There are exceptions. Maybe even a lot of exceptions. But I wouldn’t say it doesn’t disprove the “rule” completely. I believe monogomy does exist even if not for everyone all of the time.
There are men who treat sex “like a man” and some treat it “like a woman”. There are women who treat sex “like a woman” and some treat it “like a man”.
For me, I think it would be more accurate to say sometimes I approach sex like a man and sometimes I approach it like a woman. Even more accurate would be to say sometimes I approach sex from a purely physical place and sometimes I approach it with emotion. And I want my partner to be in the sync with whichever side of the coin I’m on.
Great post. Thanks.
trjensen
/ March 7, 2012Great response!
Dark Water
/ March 7, 2012It’s good to be in sync with your partner. I think the situation and the person you are with help define how the relationship and your role in it will develop. Preconceived ideas become traps later, usually it’s best to just let it flow.
Monogamy is a desire to be with no other, later a result of a promise, and if a baby comes along, an absolute necessity.
To be clear, I’ve never gone out on anyone and never would. Sometimes we grow in different ways and the need to break free gets intense. It’s better to break up than to stray.
The pressure to stray probably hits everyone sometime. That’s why it’s so important to gain experience before entering into a permanent situation. Know who you are first. But time and time again humanity has proven that we are not a very monogamous species. The urge manifests and our higher self tried to suppress it. But it doesn’t seem to come naturally.
Of course, we all dream that someday we will meet that perfect person. Until then, it’s a fight.
More Than A Blonde
/ March 7, 2012Great post! Thank you for sharing. Not only can both genders separate emotions from sex as easily as the others but we all go back and forth on it during our lives depending on what we are looking for at that moment.
It is nice to hear a man’s perspective. Thanks again!
trjensen
/ March 7, 2012Totally. Right now I want more. But there are times when I don’t. I get pissed or dicouraged and I just can’t get past it.
Viciously Sweet
/ March 7, 2012Very interesting perspective… I’ve been wondering about the mind/attraction game. I have gone out with guys I find attractive and not mentally there with me. And smart guys with which I have had no attraction. I keep thinking there is something wrong with me… but maybe I just need to keep looking until I right combo that stuff
trjensen
/ March 11, 2012It is funny. I am the same way. I am seldom attracted to men with whom I find myself intellecually compatable. Do you find that is the same for you?
Viciously Sweet
/ March 13, 2012YES! And the guys I like to talk to… all I want to do with them is just talk! I want someone who is a good hybrid of the two, maybe he exists somewhere
trjensen
/ March 17, 2012There ha to be a middle ground though. I mean the first guy I have had real feelings for is nothing like me. We have very similar personality traits but his interests and goals are not like mine at all. I think that may be the balance I need.
karmicdiva
/ March 7, 2012I can see why you like Doug. Good candid perspective. Guys have hormones too.
livinginfairyland
/ March 12, 2012I like your individualistic approach. Men and women aren’t that different really.
lovesexandmarriage
/ March 14, 2012Great post. And can I say that I LOVE the Happy Hooker! And I, too, believe monogamy is a myth…
trjensen
/ March 17, 2012LOL!