As promised, this installment of Casual Sex is written by my very good friend, Doug (aka Dark Water) at diaryofadougfiend. I wanted a man’s perspective on the role of sex in relationship. I felt it was important to include a male voice and this is one male voice I greatly respect and relate to. He did an amazing job and I am so thankful to him for taking some time to offer his own perspective. I’ll let Doug take it from here.
I remember a lady telling me that women connected sex with emotion and men were detached. I believed it but only on the condition that I knew I was different. I saw it in many of my friends, but I considered myself a liberated male.
I was an awesome lover way before I’d lost my virginity. I read The Happy Hooker, Your Erogenous Zones, The Joy of Sex and every Penthouse my dad ever bought. All I needed then was an actual real lady to try it out on. That proved difficult because…
What I really was was a casualty from the feminist movement. If women could make the perfect male, according to all their crap written in the late ’70s, they would get disgusted and go find some heartless bad-ass-boy to fuck. What woman wants a man who is overly sensitive and not afraid to cry? Not any of the women I know!
I had a series of bad relationships because I couldn’t separate my dick from my emotion. I needed to become friends with one-night stands. I WANTED to go our for breakfast. I WANTED to turn it into a relationship.
I was mixed up. Stupid 70s!
I’d watch friends lie through their teeth to get laid and the women loved it!
WTF!?! Can’t they see?
And I was so busy thinking about relationship that I’d brush off willing women just wanted to fuck for a variety of reasons because they didn’t appear to be the “marrying’ type. How stupid was that?
I pulled my head out of my ass later on in my late 20s. I realized things like:
To take is to give.
(Everybody thrives on knowing you are having a great time, just like YOU do when THEY are enjoying it!)
Men use relationships to get sex
(Does he suddenly see all the negative things about you immediately following orgasm?)
Women use sex to get relationships.
(Don’t fall for the friendship trap!)
Women love being dominated in many ways.
(Asking for permission is giving up your power)
The man fucks, the woman gets fucked.
(No matter how you rationalize the action, there is a penetrating point where an action is being performed. I know there are variations, but the roles are pretty much hard wired)
You make your mate.
(Give them time)
All this is skirting the question, “How do men and women perceive casual sex differently?”
I’m not sure where the division between social conditioning and genetically programmed human nature is defined; I imagine both come into play. I’ve known a lot of women who just wanted sex with no attachment. I’ve known a lot of men who wanted attachment when they found good, compatible sex.
Is disassociating your emotion from sex as dangerous as having sex with someone you are not attracted to? Relationships that don’t use physical attraction as a basis can be short lived when one of the participants realizes they can’t get it up for the “mind” they fell in love with.
I think monogamy is a myth. I’ve had as many women tell me that as men.
The more I think about it, the more I realize this comparison doesn’t work because there are as many women who can disconnect their heart from their genitals as there are men. It’s all bullshit if defined by gender, very important if defined by aspects within individual people. We are all different.