I spent a lot of time changing some of the things I didn’t like about myself. I guess it was just about tweaking what didn’t work for me and becoming a version of myself that I was more proud of. The physical changes are apparent. Most people tell me I look nothing like I did a few years ago. The emotional changes are harder to explain. My outlook on life changed. The way I feel about myself changed. The way I approach so many things has changed. I had a very long list of things I wanted to work on and I did. Most of it stuck. I am more optimistic, more confident and I am typically pretty happy. A few things didn’t stick because they really where part of what makes me the girl I love. Unfortunately, it is also what makes some people want to choke the life out of me, (which secretly makes me like those things about me more.)
I am blunt and sarcastic. I once dated a guy who said I was one of the most sarcastic people he has ever met in his life and that it was “off putting.” I love sarcasm. I also love when someone can fire right back at me. A quick wit is something I find so appealing in another person. If I can dish out shit and tease then we’ll be friends. If you tease me back then we’ll be friends for life. But many people don’t like me for the same reason. I am accused of being smug and insensitive. It is one of the things I thought I needed to work on but it never took. It is really part of who I am. I am never intentionally malicious but my teasing is misconstrued as such. If you can’t take a little (okay a lot) of goading you just won’t like me.
The other trait I thought I needed to work on was my vulgarity. I can say wildly inappropriate things at the drop of a hat. I swear like a trucker and my main choices for topics of discussion are seldom the first thing that pops into my friend’s heads. My mind resides in the gutter. I have managed to curb my desire to crack inappropriate jokes on dates but then I feel like I am not being honest about who I am. I know when I need to watch what I say. I know when I need to bite my tongue. But if you say anything that can be twisted into something dirty, I am going to make comment. The people who know me best know this about me. They have accepted it and almost expect it to happen.
The two things that probably drive people the most crazy about me are two of the things I love most about myself. The good thing about these two qualities is that they help to weed people out of my social circle that are never really going to be happy there. If you can’t laugh at yourself and be comfortable with who you are then you definitely don’t want to go out drinking with any of my friends. Some people take it too personally or feel like they are being singled out. I always remind them that if I didn’t like them they wouldn’t be a topic of discussion. Some people prefer it that way. That is fine by me. Some things aren’t meant to be changed. If you think I am an asshole then I probably am but I am also funny, warm and open. It is all about perception.