“Why are you still single?” Many of the guys I entertain the idea of dating ask me that. My answer is always the same. “I don’t know.” Maybe I waited too long to have what would really be a starter relationship. Maybe I am too emotionally damaged. Maybe I just try too hard adding additional pressure to a situation without knowing I am doing it.
Last year I started talking to a guy I went to high school with and he asked me that question as we started flirting during a Facebook chat session. “I really don’t get it. You are a cool chick. Why don’t you have a boyfriend?” I assured I didn’t really get why it seemed impossible for me to lock someone down. We continued chatting over the course of the next few days until on the fourth day he said, “I know why you aren’t in a relationship.” I asked him why he thought that was and he answered simply, “You don’t need anyone.” I got a little pissed off at first. “But I want someone! Why isn’t that enough?”
A few days later I was talking to a friend about that conversation and how annoyed I was with that summation of my situation. “Men need to feel needed,” she said, “and it took me a long time to figure out how to show a man that he was needed.” I told her I had no idea how to pretend that I had spent the bulk of my life having only myself to rely on. I was not comfortable leaning on someone else. I trust me. That is the one thing life had taught me was that I could really just count on myself to do what needed to be done and I didn’t know how to “pretend” that wasn’t the way it was. I said, “I want a partner but I can take care of myself.”
She explained that if a man didn’t feel needed he didn’t see his value in a relationship. I really didn’t know what to do at that point. Quite frankly I thought might actually be shit out of luck. I spent a lot of time thinking about why I felt so strongly about what I wanted in partner. What was missing from my life that I really wanted now? Then I realized that making a man feel needed was more about emphasizing the things I wanted in partner so that he would feel valued and needed.
I am still not very good at it. I should prabably work on that, huh?
Jessica Castle
/ January 16, 2012I’ve been told I need an alpha male – someone secure enough as a man who can handle my level of independence. I suspect the same holds true for you.
trjensen
/ January 17, 2012I am so attracted to alpha males. You’ll drive them even crazier. I found that in a lot of interpersonal ways I like to be able to submit but I have to fully trust someone. What it boils down to is that I still need someone to respect that ultimately the decision is still mine.
emarie24
/ January 16, 2012Probably why im single. The ex always complained that i was too independent and got mad that i didnt value his advice. I did value it but i know how to solve my problems. There is a guy out there who will be glad im xapable of doing everything but changing my own oil.
trjensen
/ January 17, 2012I have had that issue. If I am with someone I will often ask their opinion but I still need to do what I feel right about and we don’t always agree. Men seem to take that personally.
subtlekate
/ January 17, 2012I think you’ve hit on something important. There is no underestimating the desire to be needed.
trjensen
/ January 17, 2012It is true. I have been struggling with it because I have strong desire to be needed as well. I think that is just as big an issue actually.
The Wandering Mind
/ January 17, 2012Look as a man, all I can say is that we appreciate your strength and indepence as a woman. Now after saying that, I was also say this: Men need to know that we have some function, some role in your life.
I know a strong, fiery woman and I love her for those qualities. She doesn’t need me to do things for her, but she enjoys my company, support (emotionally & physically) and honesty. I seem to be her anchor or “angel” as she affectionately refers to me as because I can center her emotionally or talk to her on her level (translation: I can call her on her bs without pissing her off). So she doesn’t need me, but she wants me in her life and she had made that clear in the way she talks with me, the amount of time she tries to spend with me and just by being the person she is with me. I don’t want her to start asking for my every opinion on everything if she doesn’t need it, but I’d like to think that when she does ask me something or for something, its because she trusts me and wants me to be there not just for her, but with her. Great post by the way!
trjensen
/ January 17, 2012Great comment! Now you are my angel! I try to fit man into into my life. I am not a needy girl and if anything I have had issues because I still struggle with making a man feel needed/wanted. I want a partner. Someone to share with and for it to be a fulfilling experience for both of us. I am good at stepping up and being supportive/helpful but I am not so good at letting someone do that for me.
a2realhousewife
/ January 17, 2012You have hit on something very “key” here in the balance of relationships. Men definitely want to feel needed by their partner, spouse or friends. I believe it is true with my gay male friends also. So then how does an independent female let herself need someone? Maybe view it as how can this person enhance my life?
runitjojo
/ January 17, 2012that’s very interesting and i think a very good point at the end there, to emphasize the things you want out of the relationship/partner
trjensen
/ January 17, 2012I think my issue isn’t have my needs met but showing some appreciation for the person who is filling that role. I am so grateful and happy but it is coming across very well.
Bad Advice Girl
/ January 17, 2012Well, we all have things to work on. I’ve been accused of the same thing. For me it’s from being single for so long I had to learn to do things for myself. It’s been kind of a double edge sword that I’ve had to learn to wield. What I had gotten so far is that I had to learn to make room for someone in my life and make sure that he feels that he has a vital place… Easier said than done with me. I make a living managing businesses, solving problems, and keeping everyone in line. I have to have all of the answers. I’ve learned to provide and look out for myself. On top of that, I had a military dad who instilled in me being stoic. What I am learning is how to balance the two– my work self and who I am.
When I asked my friend what he likes about me, he said that it is that I’m not needy, but I want him in my life. He knows that he has a role in my life that no one else has or can fulfill. I guess somehow in my craziness I have gotten that message across. With that said he’s very patient with me as I try to become more open and trusting.
trjensen
/ January 17, 2012I have been a television producer for much of my professional life and I too was the one everything fell on. I needed to have a handle on everything. On top of that I did lot of directing. I can be pretty controlling. I have worked on that aspect of myself. I am not nearly as controlling as I was. Like I have said before, secretly some part of me wants to be able to submit a little. I want to let go but you touched on what prevents any of us from doing that and it is trust.
Addie
/ January 17, 2012My usual response is “If I knew, I would have done something about it.”
But I think I know now. Flashbacks suddenly happened. And yeah, there was no sign of myself making guys I’ve dated before feel that I needed them.
trjensen
/ January 17, 2012And I always thought independence was good thing and it is… but you also have to remember you have a partner. Like I said, I still am not very good at this. I am trying but I haven’t mastered it.
evilnymphstuff
/ January 17, 2012Oh man need to feel needed… wow I’ve never thought of that… Thanks for sharing your personal experience and opinions
And I wish you lots of luck 
trjensen
/ January 17, 2012I guess I am just still working that out.
The Reluctant Monogamist
/ January 17, 2012There is a difference between being “needy” and “needing” someone. When you are single for a long time, or if it’s just in your nature to be independent (a VERY good thing) it’s hard to let go of that enough to let someone else step up for you.
trjensen
/ January 17, 2012I absolutely agree.
ifUseekAmy
/ January 17, 2012Oh wow. I feel like I could have written this post. One of the main contention points with my last relationship was my fierce independence (been accused many times of thinking like a single person) and him feeling not needed. I also need to work on my empathy regarding this part of the male psyche.
trjensen
/ January 17, 2012Me too!
mysterycoach
/ January 19, 2012I wrote on Tycurious’s blog this morning, this so I figured I’d cheat and cut and paste LOL
I found your blog through TRJensen’s blog this morning. Why not discuss it and work as a team instead. I guess you could also take turns at whatever it is you’re doing. I remember when I was younger, I had a guy tell me that he didn’t feel needed, gave examples how I could change my own tire, etc., etc. I was confused by that. I mean, to me to be self sufficient was a very good thing.
To me, it still is… I wonder when we strayed so far from the fact that we can be self sufficient, learn to work together and yet appreciate one another’s help and appreciate one another as a person instead of a power struggle going on. Know what I mean?
There is nothing wrong with being self sufficient. I’ve been in the same position as you Jensen. It has to get done, I find a way and take care of it. If I need help I ask, if not, I take care of it. If I do ask and they don’t take care of it, depending on what it is and how important it is, which has happened, then I tell them if you can’t, I’ll go take care of it. It’s simple. It’s got to get done, whatever it is.
That sure explains why some women who are all simpering and demanding may find someone quicker and why we stare at them like they’re nasty. You know, the ones who demand everything be done for them, get me this, do that, blah blah…
trjensen
/ January 19, 2012As far as I am concerned I don’t think about it as a power struggle but a place for everyone in a relationship. Ironically I thought I was doing that but I guess some guys don’t see it that way. I want to be self-sufficient but I also don’t want a guy to feel like he doesn’t have a place in my life so it is something I need to work on. I appreciate the men in my life and I am happy they are there but I guess I don’t convey that very well.
Cakes McCain
/ January 19, 2012Damn girl! This is like is like an epiphany for me. cheers!
trjensen
/ January 20, 2012It is something I still working on because I struggle to effectively convey my appreciation. I know what I need to do, I just don’t know how to do it.
wilshamlin
/ February 3, 2012Reblogged this on worldsgreatestinventions and commented:
This was a fun and interesting read from beginning to end. There are those of us who are accustomed to being coupled up and those of us who are accustomed to rolling solo. There are advantages and disadvantages to both mindsets. It really would be best of both worlds if wel strive to be strong and independent but remember our partner needs need to feel wanted and appreciated. It can be a delicate balancing act!
trjensen
/ February 4, 2012I think so too. I want to be coupled though…?
Apparently I still need work though.
B
/ March 24, 2012Why do you want a man for if you can do everything yourself? A man doesn’t like to feel useless and if you make him feel that way they will leave. A lot of women say they don’t need a man, they just want a man. And as a guy I don’t like hearing that. Or the term strong independent woman is a turn off. Whatever you do don’t describe yourself as that. Men want a feminine woman, not another man. The gender reversals have wreaked havoc on relationships. Men don’t really have much of a job anymore in a relationship. We hear all the time we aren’t needed as protectors or breadwinners, providers, fathers. Just not needed at all. I still wonder what exactly is my role? Really I don’t have to do anything. So men are already feeling pretty useless and to have some woman just reaffirm that it doesn’t make a guy feel very good.