I am thirty-eight years old but most of the time over the past year or so I often refer to myself as a girl. Stepping backing into the dating scene after better than a decade of no intimate male interaction, has left me feeling lost at sea, floating in a wayward life raft in a see full of sharks. I feel naïve and often confused by the world around me. I feel like a much younger version of myself.
I thought that upon returning to the dating scene I would find, in men roughly my age, it would be easy to find someone looking for a commitment and many of the trials and pretense I encountered as a youth would no longer exist. I truly believed it would be just that simple. As I discovered that was not the case I lost my bearings.
In the new dating world it is more difficult to just meet a man the way I used to. There is seldom an instance where I am introduced to someone through a mutual friend or I connect with someone at a social gathering. Today it seems that everyone has turned to internet dating, a tool I just can’t seem to make work for me. I am too dismissive and in the privacy and safety of my own mind far too judgmental to just give my online suitors a shot. I need something tangible and the pages of profiles and inbox full of messages are overwhelming, something that only exists on my computer monitor. I need to see someone, the way they move, hear the sound of their voice. I need to be able to look someone in the eye.
Still, I do manage to date. I have become far more preoccupied with aesthetics and far more willing to concede when it comes to moral character or like values, like a silly high school girl who is more concerned with appearance than substance. Sometimes I get lucky but my taste in men has changed so drastically since I was a youth that I still feel like I am assembling a list of what I need and want in a relationship, often failing to effectively communicate what is important to me as result.
Dating is just silly, confusing and sometimes painful. But it is also an amazing adventure. I have learned a lot about myself and what I am capable of. It can be tiresome. At times it genuinely feels like a chore but I like the fun aspect of it all. I like the maybe this is it moments, the optimism. I like the thrill of the first few dates, the moment where you realize you have finally relaxed, the first time you wake up in someone’s arms and want to freeze that moment forever. I try to focus on the positive.
I am learning as I date. I know what I don’t want and need to stick to my list of what is unacceptable. I need to concede less. I need develop a core list of what is most important to me and not overlook it when someone doesn’t meet the basic requirements. I need to approach dating with the mindset that I want a partner and not just hope that something develops from something I deem fun. That hasn’t worked well for me so far. I need to date like a grown up.
silly_G
/ December 16, 2011Hear, hear sister! As I often tag “Am I 16 again”! I never imagined dating would be this hard. Problem is trying to figure out what dating as an adult is supposed to look like…
trjensen
/ December 16, 2011I know. I need to stop putting what is important to me aside for the sake of a relationship. I’ve become a serial dater or worse yet a permanent f*** buddy. Neither of those things is what I want. I nvested a lot of time on the last guy and in the end I still heard, from his friends, you were just a possession to him. And here I thought we were getting somewhere. It can be really discouraging.
Ribbons Undone
/ December 16, 2011I still refer to myself as a girl, too, and I’m 41. I tried online dating a coupe of times. The first time, I met a really sweet guy who talked like Elvis and looked like Buddy Holly, played guitar and wound up on the country version of American Idol. I can’t remember what that show was called. He was really nice, except that he drank a lot. Like every day. The second guy I met turned out to be super creepy. He told me that his mom would feel me up the minute she met me due to her fascination with boobs and that he wanted to film it. That’s what I get for trying to online date in Arkansas, I guess.
trjensen
/ December 16, 2011LOL! Fun! I’ve met a few weirdos. The worst was a guy who insisted I own a gun then told me he wanted to be redeployed so he could kill people! Never saw him again.
subtlekate
/ December 16, 2011I’m a girl and I hope to always have the mindset of one, even as a mother. I think you wear your “girl” well.
trjensen
/ December 16, 2011Thank you!
mysterycoach
/ December 17, 2011Hey …
Define what dating like a “grown up” means because everything you’ve described is pretty much what everyone else is doing. I’m 45 truly could not stand the online dating sites, although I’ve tried numerous times myself and like you I like to see them as you’ve described so well. Something tangible makes perfect sense.
If you reeeeally want to define some of the things important to you (give or take) you write a list of the things that are NO WAY baby! And you flip it to the positive… Seems so simple.
But it’s true. As we get older, we learn that just anyone, won’t do and this is “great” because think of the bad things we avoid. Course, it makes things take a bit more time. But… aren’t you worth it?
Yup.
trjensen
/ December 17, 2011Thanks! I guess dating is just something I associate with youth. I like dating. It is as I figure dating out, or think I am figuring dating out it feels less fun and spontaneous. This being said I haven’t been on a date in three months because I was seeing someone and just haven’t gone out with someone since. I need to just accept a few dates and get past the road block in my head about actually moving forward.
Singlefied
/ December 17, 2011Welcome back to the dating scene! It’s no easy ride, but as you mention, it’s an adventure. Just FYI, the younger ones are always eager to please. (Which I’m sure you’ve noticed already)
trjensen
/ December 17, 2011Younger guys hit on me all the time. The last man I dated was younger than I was. They are definitely more eager to please and I guess that is part of the appeal for me.
nubianprincess25
/ December 18, 2011Hmmm…the dating scene can be brutal at times. I chose to be single for a long time because i couldn’t be bothered with the hassle. Now many weekends alone, years on, i feel it is time to bit the bullet and give it a go. I remain optimistic that mr right is out there and he will ticket all of those boxes.
I guess i use my blog as a therapeutic way of dealing with the great the bad and the ugly who come my way.
trjensen
/ December 18, 2011It is an amazing way to share your personal experiences and look at them from another viewpoint. Dating can be rough, fun, scary and heartbreaking but what I am looking for is worth all the struggles.
Ben
/ December 19, 2011I’m excited about the prospect of dating again, and nervous too of course… in a way my blog is me trying to lay the mental groundwork to make sure that I don’t settle for less than what I deserve– not that I expect “the ideal” but I certainly want a lot more than my ex wife gave.
It’s great reading your blog and others like you that are ahead of the curve, giving me some idea of what it’s like out there
trjensen
/ December 19, 2011I am glad it helps. It helps me to go back over it too. I try not to repeat the same mistakes.