A friend shared an article with me last night. The article, written for the Huffington Post was an insightful piece about the various forms of emotional manipulation women are subjected to. The article, ”A Message to Women from a Man: You Are Not “Crazy” ,” by Yashar Ali expose the ways in which men use emotional manipulation to make women feel “crazy, irrational, overly sensitive, unhinged.” The article is empowering and moving. My hope is that men will read this and rethink how they speak to women. I doubt they will which brings me to my one real issue with the article.
Ali exerts that men often say things like “Calm down, you are overreacting,” without realizing the emotional damage they are inflicting on women. I was a victim of severe emotional abuse as a child. Statements like “You are crazy” and “Something is wrong with you” were things I heard on a near daily basis for as long as I was old enough to comprehend the power of those statements. As an adult I heard things like “Calm down” and “You are so sensitive” from men in in every male relationship in my life, from my brother to my son to the men I dated.
Upon being told that I needed to “Calm down” when I questioned a behavior or voiced my displeasure with something I was immediately thrust into a defensive position, more concerned with how I was communicating and being perceived, canceling any hope coming to so resolution about the real issue. In certain situations I would become quiet and question my reasoning, in others I would become angry and loud only confirming that I did in fact seem irrational.
I do not believe that men are not aware that this is abusive. They know that by attempting shut a woman down thus lessening her role in their interaction, they have established the dominant, “sane” role in the relationship. I can’t remember one relationship of any nature I have had with a man where he hasn’t said something even slightly disparaging to me. (“You are blowing this out of proportion.” or “Why are you getting so worked up about this?”) Men fully realize that making one of these comments cause women to feel inarticulate, overemotional or slightly insane.
The real issue is not that men do this or whether or not they understand how damaging these remarks can be. The real question is how do we make it less affective? How do we change the way men view women and take the power out these sorts of statements? The issue is truly one with how women are characterized. “We are the emotional beings.” “We are not rational thinkers. “ ”Men think with their heads and women are ruled by their emotions.” These generalizations negate the potential for rational discourse and conflict resolution.
There is an “ah ha” moment for men early on in their female interactions when they realize that shutting a woman down and causing her to doubt herself is an effective way to manage a relationship. From the moment this is realized that behavior is intentional abuse, pure and simple. So how do we fix that? How do we change how women are profiled? Until men learn to view women as equals with their own voices and expectations, a role that is as valid as their male counterparts this can never happen.
Many of my male friends say “women are crazy” when their relationship is troubled. My standard response is “men make women crazy.” But the truth is they are never taught to value women as they should. It is one thing to acknowledge the way men manipulate and abuse women. It is another thing entirely to find a solution to the problem.
Lorna's Voice
/ December 3, 2011Wow. This post hit close to home. That’s what my ex did to me, and it was very disempowering. But he did it at the same time that he would tell people how smart and capable I am–how much he respected me. So I would get these conflicting messages. I don’t know if he knew what he was doing, but he seriously messed with my mind.
Partly it’s a cultural thing, but partly it’s a personality thing. At least that’s my opinion on this important and fascinating topic.
Sandra
/ December 3, 2011Great point, how do we fight those comments? I have been dismissed with the ‘calm down’ comment followed with being completely ignored. The person that did it to me was abusive, and I don’t think there was any way of getting through to him. But I think that with a reasonable man, you could stop take a breath, and point out that he is invalidating your feelings, that you are entitled to your opinions, and that if he values you as a person he will listen to your opinion and give it the due consideration that it deserves. If you answer his assertion that you are ‘crazy’ with a ‘calm’ and well thought out rebuttal such as that, he will have a hard time throwing it back at you… Hopefully now that you have brought him to realize what he was doing, he may even want to listen to your opinion.
theladyinredink
/ December 4, 2011I ended things with my emotionally abusing/manipulative fiance almost two years ago, and I still find myself “hypercorrecting” my behaviors from some of the things he said. At the time I wanted to believe that it was all accidental, but in hindsight I realize that he was intentionally manipulating me because he saw that same behavior out of other men in his life to the women in his life. Unfortunately, I believe his issues came from traditional, patriarchal, man-as-head-of-the-household views/mindsets.
While I do believe that men may not fully realize that these comments are hurtful or abusive–women are traditionally seen, after all, as the “hysterical” sex–I do think they must acknowledge that when it’s pointed out to them. Should it be up to us to tell them they’re in the wrong? No. I’d like to see a world where such behaviors simply don’t exist. But until then, it’s important for ANYONE being emotionally abused to point it out to the person (especially if they suspect the other doesn’t realize it) and then expect them to respect that. If they don’t, they aren’t worth the time.
Viv
/ December 7, 2011That’s so true! I hated it when my ex always said “where is all this coming from” or “you have such a temper” it made me feel so depressed coz I thought something was wrong with me and I had to work to change it. I was always scared of voicing my opinions coz he might view me as overly emotional or temperamental. Am glad I grew out of it and now am able to state clearly what I expect and when am not happy with something without feeling bad about myself. This post makes me feel so much better!
subtlekate
/ December 14, 2011The manipulation of having everything you say twisted. It’s enough to make me pull my hair out.
Having said that, I am terrible at saying what I really mean. Something else to work on.
Great post, thanks.
ladywithatruck
/ December 14, 2011My narcissistic ex used to invalidate my emotions all the time, to the point I didn’t have “automatic ” emotions, I would force myself to be calm, keep my voice low, I would formulate my thoughts in advance so I could speak without emotion and didn’t forget what I wanted to say,
I listened intently to him in order to make sure I didn’t misunderstand or misconstrue what he was saying and would write it all down as soon as I could so I could refer back to it later when he denied things or accused me of saying or doing something I didn’t.
I used to write down when I DIDN’T cry or get angry because he used to say, “Every day I have to deal with this, I have written it down and you got mad at me (or cried) every day last month”. Or he justified seeing another woman by saying we were fighting and talking about breaking up. I could look it up on my calendar and the time he said we were fighting I had actually written that we were getting along the best we had in a long time and that I was feeling really hopeful.
God I just got this horrible feeling in my stomach, panic, fear? Just thinking about how frustrating it was and how powerless I felt.
trjensen
/ December 15, 2011As a child my father was very abusive. When I would tell my mother what he had done he would look me dead in the eye and ask me why would make something so terrible up. He would tell me something was wrong with me. I knew what a sociopath was when I was very small because my father would list off my sociopathic behavior. I began to question why I thought his behavior was so terrible. Maybe everyone’s parents hit them with closed hands and locked them in dark rooms until they fell asleep. I began doubting myself at a very young age. My parents seperated when I was twelve and many of my emotional problems disappeared with my father. Still, I am who I am because of my past so I try to share my experiences and be thankful for the person I am today. Thank you for sharing!
cafegirlchronicles
/ December 15, 2011Thank you for sharing the Huff Post link – I used to think it was “me”. Cat
subtlekate
/ December 16, 2011No, It wasn’t just you, and thank you for sharing that.
mysterycoach
/ December 20, 2011Venting for a woman is how she relieves stress. When she doesn’t vent it gets bottled up. I read this book, men are from Mars women are from Venus by Dr. John Gray a while back and it explained this to me.
I thought, that’s normal?
When I don’t vent it does get all bottled up that’s for sure. Then the emotions get trapped inside and makes things worse.
It’s like, I actually have a friend who will cut me off once in a while and it’s like… I need to vent.
trjensen
/ December 20, 2011Yes, we do need to vent and our feelings are valid. Our opnions and feelings are just as important as a male counterparts.
mysterycoach
/ December 20, 2011Of course they are
… I read though the other comments when I came back here. Men’s brains are designed differently than women’s brains. They vent or deal with stress differently.
My book there, suggested for a man to help a woman destress to listen to her, not “fix” because fixing and hearing solutions when we’re ripping up the ground LOL … just makes it worse. I agree with that.
My friend at work when I vent, she looks at me at the end when I say, “know what I mean?” She simply says… “yes”. I am amazed at how fast I feel better. It’s almost instantaneously. I tell her… that is SO COOL LOL
It’s just a way we alleviate stress and men tend to want to help and/or fix so they don’t understand this venting process like we do. Well, men definitely DO understand, plenty of them do but not these boys I’m reading about up here.
ladywithatruck
/ December 20, 2011Mystery, I’ve read that book also, a few times, and it is very true in “normal” relationships and it helped me understand why sometimes talking to a man can feel so frustrating because I don’t want solutions, my venting is part of my problem solving technique. I vent, get it all out and in the process sort it out and come to a resolution.
I can understand why someone might be confused because I can sound totally devastated or angry and then an hour later after I’ve vented I’m just fine. We just want to be heard and told I understand. JC started saying , “I hear ya” and at first that would appease me until it became apparent when he said, “I hear ya” he was actually saying, “shut the F up!”. Lol
mysterycoach
/ December 30, 2011JC’s an ass. That aside, did I say what book it was? I don’t remember. Heh!
Men are from Mars, Women are From Venus. And a slew of other ones too. It’s all interesting stuff, I must say.
trjensen
/ December 30, 2011This comment freaked me out because the last guy I dated’s initials were JC and I know I didn’t mention him. Then I saw Lady with a Trucks comment. LOL
Cadence Harper
/ December 29, 2011wow.. Amazing post! I think every woman on the planet has been hit with this kind of bullshit. In having a conversation with one of my girlfriends last night, we decided men are threatened by emotions because they feel vulnerable and out of control. I think describing it as emotional manipulation was spot on!
trjensen
/ December 29, 2011Thank you!
mysterycoach
/ December 30, 2011I don’t believe that men are threatened by emotions, I think they don’t understand how we process things because they do not process things like we do.
I have plenty of male friends who understand what I’m doing when I vent, I also tell them that I’m venting as well to clear the path so they know that I’m doing it and what I need.
When they start trying to “fix” instead of listen, they don’t realize that we don’t want a solution, we’re simply blowing off steam. They hear us vent about something at work, they may try to fix it, they hear us vent about a friend, they try to fix it… that’s what they do and how some men think. They want to be helpful and they feel that we’re asking for a solution.
After we’ve calmed down, yes… solutions and me are always a welcome thing. At the same time we (women) still have to go through a normal range of emotions until we’re calm. When that’s shut down, we don’t get it out of our system and it builds up.
So it’s not completely a matter of men being threatened, they don’t understand why we do it, because they don’t process things in the same manner we do.
Narcissist men, well… they aren’t a normal guy so… we don’t care what they think. ROFL!
trjensen
/ December 30, 2011What always threw me off about the calm down thing was that I was being calm. Nice even tone and calm for the most part. Being told to calm down typically is what made me mad.
trjensen
/ December 30, 2011The article was so fascinating to me.
mysterycoach
/ December 30, 2011OH! and P.S., if we don’t tell a man what we need, he won’t know, because a good guy (not a jerk) wants to know. BIG difference… and not all men are scum.
Okay… I’m done.
trjensen
/ December 30, 2011I totally agree.
smittenwithhim
/ October 26, 2012I know this is a very old post, but thank you for putting this out there. I love the story that it links to…
Not such a long time ago, I seriously DID think I was crazy and that people saw me as always blowing things out of proportion — I felt like an absolute loon! The funny thing about it was: while I was actually expressing my emotions, I NEVER thought I was being strange or unreasonable or that my feelings were unwarranted. The bad feelings always happened after I expressed myself — all the self-doubt.
Both my father and my husband do this to me. Any more, my father completely avoids talking to me (YAY! I am totally fine with that. I can’t stand the way I feel around him.) and my husband is just a lazy jackass so I no longer give a crap what he thinks about my feelings.
trjensen
/ October 26, 2012You are very welcome.