I woke up this morning and did my usual scan for interesting blog posts and news articles. I spent most of the morning reading. (I was actually up before noon without an alarm!) One of my favorite blogger friends posted an article about casual sex that I found interesting. It is a very good post and definitely worth checking out. The article addresses some of the perils of casual sex. I read it and wanted to respond but knew that it would be a long response. I decided to address the subject in a post of my own.
Casual sex has been an instrumental part of my emotional development when it comes to dating, not because I use sex as a means of manipulation but because the emotional aspects of sex were actually hurting my search for a stable intimate relationship. I, like many women I know, had a difficult time separating emotion from sex. The two were interlinked in my mind. If I had sex with someone, if I shared myself in that intimate way, I was supposed to feel an emotional connection to them and I did. There was no such thing as casual sex for me even when it was clear at the onset that sex was the only thing on the menu. I was what my blogger friend referred to as a “chickastalkarazzi.” I would be desperate to drag out something that never was, only prolonging my misery.
It was instilled in me before I hit puberty that women only had sex with men they loved and that the gift of giving yourself to a man meant a connection that would last a lifetime. It meant forever. In essence I grew up believing sex meant you were automatically in love and that in some way sex meant a relationship. As I became sexually active I learned that this was not the truth yet still I felt that my relationships with men were anomalies. So I tried over and over until I became frustrated with the idea of a lasting relationship and stopped dating until earlier this year when I found myself hurt, yet again, by the myth that was ingrained in me as a youth.
After a considerable amount of heartbreak I decided to address the one thing I felt was truly holding me back from an honest connection that could result in a relationship, my premature emotional attachment. I began to date casually; the sole purpose for those dates was to develop a physical connection with someone I found attractive without becoming irrationally emotionally attached to men who were not emotionally available. I did so for about three or four months and better than doubled my number of sexual partners.
It really wasn’t about the sex for me but about changing a mindset that had crippled me emotionally. (I also abstained from sex for thirteen years so having lots of it was nice as well.) I had rules during this exercise.
- No more dates once we slept together.
- No one spent the night and I never slept at anyone’s house.
- I forced myself to be open with them.
I stuck to the rules and not once did I confuse what I was feeling. I also learned a lot that I have carried with me as resumed my search.
- If you are completely open without fear of judgment the judgment seems less harsh if there is judgment at all.
- You realize far earlier on whether or not there is potential for something more significant than just a few dates.
- If you are honest and unashamed then men will be honest too. You may not like that honesty but then you can make an informed decision about whether or not proceed. You are basing your decision to proceed on things he has admitted to you rather than what you assume.
Never during the course of that period did I just go to a bar and pick up a guy. It always just started as a date. As unorthodox as this approach may seem I can honestly say that if it weren’t for casual sex I may never have understood dating. I would never have found what I was looking for because I had a skewed idea of the role sex played in my interactions with the opposite sex.
I believe that there are certainly perils when it comes to casual sex but sometimes it can be beneficial. Sometimes sex with no pretense can be good. It can be dangerous too but so can a relationship. Like anything it can be as simple or complicated as you make it. Casual sex isn’t for everyone but sometimes, just sometimes, it can be exactly what you need.
totsymae1011
/ December 2, 2011I was set to start an argument about your defending casual sex but you laid it out in a way that made good sense. I so wish I had it in me but I can’t do it. Sex, whether casual or not, is a very intimate act and I always kinda treated my body like my house. You can’t invite everybody in. I so wish I was a guy…
trjensen
/ December 2, 2011ANd I guess it isn’t really necessarily one-night-stand casual sex. Most of these men I knew in one capacity or another and even if I didn’t we typically had a few dates. I was just not commitment minded about it. I wasn’t emotionally availble. LOL! But then again when I met the last guy I was seeing it into something more. I got there and just felt like I really wanted to spend more time with him. It didn’t work out but I had a great few months and wasn’t a devastated wreck when it ended.
totsymae1011
/ December 2, 2011My son uses the “Calm down” tone with me. Something he picked up from a guy a work, who probably told a lot of women he worked with. It does immediately make me feel like I need a straight jacket, even though I feel I’m calm most of the time. It’s just another way to shut the conversation down. Men are a trip. I’m not sure how to change how we should respond. Maybe we should beat them to the punch and say it first.
Lorna's Voice
/ December 3, 2011I can’t think of sex as a casual thing. For me it’s so intimate. But that’s me. What works for you, works for you. Who am I to judge?
theladyinredink
/ December 4, 2011Casual sex is a very, very hard concept for me. Sex is a very intimate act for me, and it’s hard for me to be physically attracted to someone enough to actually go through with having sex with them if I’m not also emotionally and intellectually attracted to them. Sometimes I want to try to overcome that, but I suppose I’m just one of those people that’s not capable of truly “casual” sex. Thanks for sharing your experiences. Maybe one day, I can have something similar!
trjensen
/ December 5, 2011And I am not sure I have traditional casual sex. I have to feel like I have a handle on who someone is. Like is said I would go out with them a few times. For me feeling an emotional connection wasn’t an issue. I ALWAYS felt one. I just need to get a tighter reign on my emotional connection to men. It was an issue. I was totally that crazy, too attached girl and I am certainly no longer like that.
indecisivelittlelady
/ December 20, 2011I love this post. My only issue with women& casual sex is that I feel like when men do it they always “get off” so much easier than we do & this is down right unfair!
trjensen
/ December 20, 2011They absolutely do. It is a complete double standard. Men can sleep with whomever with little to no judgement and women are automatically catergorized as whores. We should be able to express our sexual freedom without being shamed for liking sex.
The Wandering Mind
/ December 22, 2011I’m going through a “casual sex phase” right now. After breaking up with my last girlfriend I found a “world of opportunities” and I was open to them and the people. Sure I bond with each person on some level and we trust our arrangement or situation, but I am not tied to them beyond that. In the rare case where I slept with a friend, we we still clear as to what we meant to each other and where what we were getting out of this. We enjoy each others company and sexual prowess.
Sure, at some point I’ll find another person that I really want to be with for more than a fleeting moment and I’ll focus my time, energy & passion on them (if they can handle it). I enjoy the attraction & satisfaction that I am receiving and giving back to my partners. I don’t judge people…..unless they are already in relationships and trying to be casual with me, I won’t be a part of that in any way.
trjensen
/ December 22, 2011Exactly! I am not aiding and abetting a cheater, ever. I want no part of that. I just won’t do it. I find it difficult to have more than one partner at a time. If I am sleeping with or casually dating one guy I am normally not sleeping with someone else. If I decide I want to sleep with someone else, it is basically a “next” for my current partner.
Anonymous Coward (guy)
/ December 25, 2011I’m so jealous of you.
I have been in numerous relationships, never getting as much physical affection as I have given.
On the other hand, I don’t think I could ever separate my emotions from my needs… but as I’m getting older I’m getting more and more desperate to have my needs met, and finding less and less time to pour into relationships, so working on this seems like my only option. I have no idea how to do this without feeling that I’m betraying myself.
Isn’t it a pity that we’ve been so conditioned to think negatively of this, when it’s such an amazing experience to be shared.
Some things in life are just not right!
trjensen
/ December 25, 2011FoR what it is worth, I am envious of you. A relationship is what I want.
trjensen
/ December 29, 2011I need the intimacy too but in some ways for me that can be momentary. I just need to take more time with men and I know that. I know ultimately it is the only way I am going to achieve what I really want. Thank you. I ho[pe you never stop chiming in. Hugs.
darkjade68
/ December 31, 2011It’s different for everyone… To feel connected, or “want more” from someone afterwards is normal… It’s not just a mind set, at least not in my opinion. Keep in mind that Sex is also the Act of Mating… So there is liable to be a bit of a connection either way.
However, Monogamy is a Choice… And it’s a Choice that not all people are up to… And, in some cases, some think they want, but in the end, either they’re not ready, or simply don’t have the tools for it.
Casual sex in my mind is a bit of a strange concept… Yes, I do agree that just because you have sex with someone, doesn’t mean that you want anything more, ore are necessarily capable of anything more… But to actively pursue Casual Sex, like you say, can be a bit dangerous… And, or problematic.
I’m the type of person who generally only has sex/makes love with someone I’m in love with… But that’s just me. There have been a couple times that I’ve had sex with people I wasn’t in love with, and frankly, it just feels empty afterwords.
One of these people I was dating, but I didn’t know her very well, and we ended up having sex kind of early in our dating, and like I say, it felt much different than when I had sex/made love with someone that I was in love with.
The other was a friend that I only recently met, both of us were single, and it just kind of happened… And it was then that I realized, I wasn’t ready quite yet for a relationship… Or maybe, I wasn’t ready to have one with her. Either way, for me, it was very uncomfortable afterwards.
To me the key to a Committed Romantic Relationship, is Compatibility… Attraction to one another, Physically, Intellectually, and Emotionally also plays a role… But if you’re not Compatible, it will tend to undermined it in the end.
To me there is nothing Casual about Sex, but that’s me. I do appreciate the fact that you are trying to work on not expecting more from every situation, as like I say, I don’t believe having sex with someone, is the same as wanting a relationship.
However, I do believe that there is generally a connection likely to happen, even if it’s just for one of the two people… To be honest with you, I’m not quite sure how guys are able to have so much casual sex… Are they cut off? Are they secretly angry at woman? Or are they drawn to something, they frankly don’t understand. And as far as woman go, it seems to me by Nature, not just mentality, but Nature, Woman often want something more.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with people having sex, but not wanting anything more… But I do believe not having any kind of reaction from the connection probably means something… Be it, non compatibility, or non emotional availability.
And though I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having sex with someone other than a committed partner, or someone you are pursuing, to me, there’s still nothing Casual about having sex… If for no other reason, the potential of connection on all levels of it, is uncanny. Sometimes Life changing… Certainly, Life confirming… If it’s with the Right person that is.
Nuff Said
Good Post
Good Luck with Finding love, and with further Exploring yourself, you’ll find that never ends. In my opinion that is.
DarkJade-
trjensen
/ December 31, 2011And I am in no way trying to say I don’t feel anything in even these situations. My issue was that I would let those emotions get the better of me. It was causing problems for me. I just needed to learn to appreciate the situation for what it was worth and not expect more especially if I was electing to move forward so quickly. But another plus that developed from this situation is that I am far more open and willing to stand my ground in a situation where I see the potential for something more.
darkjade68
/ December 31, 2011I think it’s cool that you’re working on yourself, some people never do… It’s better to be proactive in your own development, than to just role with whatever is thrown at you in life, yah know.
And it’s not really a big deal that you used to have issues and want more after having sex with someone… Sex can really thrust your emotional being outward, and potentially shake things up on the outside
To a degree, it’s one way to get a feeling for what’s going on with you on the inside… There are other ways to tap the inside of yourself than sex, I’m just saying, it can potentially break free some emotional fragments from the inside, and kinda leave you with things/feelings to deal with on the outside, yah know.
DarkJade-
WordsFallFromMyEyes
/ January 2, 2012A great post – great because you had rules, and they seemed like solid ones to me.
I had casual sex with a man for 2 years, always when he was available and wanting (not me to initiate) – or available (but he wasn’t married or attached, I don’t believe). He was very solo, a PI, travelling, etc.
Yep, I wanted to know him inside, I thought he’d come about with his inner self in time. But clearly, and blast me I’m dumb, he just wanted sex & a drop into my apartment was how he got it.
Love your rules (especially not sleeping overnight as that is very, very cosy).
resrieg
/ January 3, 2012I have a similar experience as WordsFall. I’ve had one interaction with a guy where we would only have casual sex and nothing more. The naive me thought that it was totally fine, that the fact that I never developed feelings for him and was realistic about the fact that nothing was ever going to happen between us made it okay. In retrospect, however, there was a lot wrong- first of all, before we had sex I’d only had sex in a long term relationship, and honestly wouldn’t have decided to have sex with him that first time had it not been my first time being blackout drunk in college. Secondly, I realized that I always went back to him after things went south with a guy who I was actually interested and had been dating. For example, after the first time we had sex I freaked out about it and didn’t see him at all until after my first break up. Third, even though I didn’t ever expect a relationship from him I had this deep down desire to be friends with him, the kind of friends who could cuddle while talking about the intimate details of our lives, regardless of whether or not we hooked up when we hung out. Needless to say, I’m sure that desire was unrequited and we never reached that point.
After two years of on-and-off hooking up it finally ended. I suppose it was a good opportunity to confirm that I’m not down for another casual sex relationship, but maybe it’s good that this one guy got it out of my system and taught me this early on, rather than later. Never mind the fact that it may now be a year before I have sex with another person…
girlseeksfella
/ January 4, 2012Hiya
Loved this post – have referred to it in my latest post http://tiny.cc/vxniz
x
trjensen
/ January 4, 2012Thank you. I am glad you enjoyed it.
trjensen
/ January 4, 2012Thank you!
Orion
/ January 10, 2012Oh the little differences between men and women’s attitude towards sex and revelations when we poke our heads over the fence to the other side! I think suffice to say we all enjoy a good ole fashioned ride on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride but it’s how we go about it that’s different. I love what ya discovered! We guys really aren’t as hard to figure out are we? =)
Fun Philly
/ January 12, 2012I, too, am a single mother. I have two daughters. Because life (and finances) never afforded me the luxury to lie to my daughters about Santa Clause. I never told them about him. By the time my oldest was old enough for school I was being called into the principles office because my daughter was spreading (the truth) rumors about Santa not really exsisting. What does this have to do with Casual Sex? Well, it taught me that honesty (at least on their emotional and age level) really WAS the best policy.
Now that my oldest is a teenager, I decided to share the truth about the birds and the bees. I told her that sex was a physical act, no some kind of magical mystical way to get or keep a man. It was no indicator on how a man felt about you, that most of the time it takes longer to blow dry your hair than it does to finish and sometimes about as physically pleasing, lol. I shared my first sexual encounter with her, not in great detail but I told her the truth. That he had NO CLUE what he was doing and neither did I. That it took me longer to get undressed and we were both very embarrassed (not to mention I was pist he messed up my hair).
The point I’m making is that I didn’t want her to have some kind of fantasy about what it would be like. There would probably be no candles and soft music and that although he promised her the sun and moon, he probably wouldn’t even call her the next day.
I wish our mothers had been so forward with us about it, maybe then it wouldn’t be so taboo and we wouldn’t get so “caught up” in sex. It would allow us to see the person for who they were.
Great post BTW but damn you’re probably going to make me climb back up on my “sexual soapbox”
sorry didn’t mean to make this so long.
P.S. My daughter decided to wait.
trjensen
/ January 12, 2012My son and I have always been really open about sex and what it means as well. He tells what is going on in his life and I am so glad he does. I answer whatever questions he has. I always have. I don’t want him to confused and have always been honest with him. I think my waiting to date and recent events with men has actually given him more respect for women. He is more concious of other people’s feelings. He also automatically assumes anyone I date is a douchebag and it is like pulling teeth to get him to meet one now but eventually that will pass.
I am glad your daughter decided to wait. She is smart like her mother. I think if I had waited until I was emotionally ready to have sex I would have been in my twenties when I lost my virginity. I think more young women should wait.
Thanks for sharing!
drunkgurlproblems
/ January 16, 2012…what about casual drunk sex…?
trjensen
/ January 17, 2012As long as it is consensual. A few drinks takes the edge off.
Mark Jones
/ January 16, 2012Great post. wanna date? Haha
trjensen
/ January 17, 2012Hmm…
junelikethemonth
/ January 19, 2012thank you so much for echoing some of my own thoughts…i became single 3 years ago, after a 15 year marriage, and a 3 and half year relationship right before that….so basically i had only been with 2 men my entire adult life…
experimenting with my sexuality and its boundaries was an important part of my development of my new single persona…
i have one night stands, hook-ups and friends with benefit/no string attached sexual relationships, and i make no apologies for it…i have needs just like a man, and i am not afraid to get what i need…
what is good for the goose, surely is good for the gander…
trjensen
/ January 20, 2012Exactly. I don’t feel bad about but I am also wanting something different now. But I think that exploring that side3 of your desire is so important.
Sex, Spirit & Soul Mates....Ivonne's Journey
/ January 19, 2012hola trjenson…nice post. The problem with causal sex for women is the effects of oxytocin, the bonding hormone. It is not that woman are stalker s and can’t seperate sex from love it is that it is biologically impossible. Oxytocin shoots into the bloodstream after an orgasm—and it emotionally bonds the woman to the man she had sex with whether or not he is an appropiate relationship partner. Haven’t you ever thought, “OMG—what does she see in him”? The answer is nothing…she sees nothing it is all the effects of oxytocin, which are effected by levels of estrogen..hence why men are not affected by oxytocin and can have lots of casual sex…go figure.
trjensen
/ January 19, 2012I know all about oxytocin. Damn bonding hormones. Orgasms and breastfeeding! LOL! I have become pretty good at controlling myself thoiugh, hormones be damned.
Sex, Spirit & Soul Mates....Ivonne's Journey
/ January 19, 2012..someone should invent the anti-oxytocin pill…
trjensen
/ January 20, 2012I agree.
cougarguide
/ January 19, 2012Thanks for a great article. It seems to me that honesty no matter when used in the initial stages of a relationship helps clear up any confusion where the boundaries are. Of course you share some things sooner and some things later in the developing agreement but as long as all parties are aware of the rules and boundaries then confusion can disappear. Sex for me since my separation has become more of a release then a intimate act, as I think I lost the intimacy part a long time ago
trjensen
/ January 20, 2012It is important for me to set boundaries in those situations. It is most definitely not that I don’t feel connected. In some ways that connetcti9on is more intense but I needed to learn to control how that affected me and how I behaved. I allowed myself to skew what was actually happening and I was unhappy as result. Now I can take it for what it is.
Malcolm Miller
/ January 21, 2012Interesting to read a woman’s views on non-attachment sex. I value love so much more than sex. Thanks for reading my blog.
paffenbutler
/ January 24, 2012Thanks for reading my post today. It inspired me to read yours, and I like what I read here. Personal growth is what I am all about. I love trying to see things differently and being open to learning about myself where confusion once lived. Bravo for taking a chance by CHANGING the rules and trying out dating a new way. I have been happily married for 28 years and I promise you that the reason that is, is because we are both open to seeing things differently than we did before, every day.
cdjanie
/ January 29, 2012Great post. I am in a bit of a different situation that most in that I know what it is like from the man’s side, but am still quite virginal on the woman’s.
Oxytocin or not, even as a man, I found sex a bonding experience. But now, as a woman, I am looking for a kind of casual sex – what I’d call friends with benefits. Ironic.
Anyway, my idea of casual sex differs a bit from yours in that I would prefer to have repeated engagements with the same person rather than cutting them off once the deed was done. My reason is simply practical – less chance of STDs or other dangers.
But whether I follow your rules or find a FWB, I still find I have somewhat contradictory aims in that on one side I do not need or want a relationship with him while on the other, I must feel like I am more than just the most convenient warm body to him.
BecomingMrsHuxtable
/ February 5, 2012I think that people don’t get that there is a difference between casual sex and a booty call. Casual sex can be just sex without a committed relationship, while still having some type of relationship, whether friends, or more, with the person.
A booty call is just that…. you call, you come, its over.
I just did a blog post about online dating and booty calls. Its nice that you showed the difference between them
trjensen
/ February 5, 2012I agree. The real difference is how you and your partner connect. I like to connect.
Diana Douglas
/ February 17, 2012I am so far out of it. My husband and I got married when I was 18 and he was 28. We’ve been married a loooong time and since we’re not into the open marriage thing,(never a good idea in my mind) the concept of casual sex barely penetrates my mind. I’m not sure how I would feel about casual sex if I was single and 20 years younger, but I’m happy I don’t have to decide. It sounds way too complicated.
Nancy
/ February 21, 2012I really like this post. I have thought about this before. Like you, when I was younger, I thought sex is something that’s precious and should be saved. Well, then I changed my mind while I was growing up. To me, sex itself doesn’t much meaning to me. Casual sex is something that I can choose to do or not. For the fact that I am not so into sex. In a way, sex has become a rubric to measure the intimacy of the relationship. But this opens up another side of thoughts for me
silentlyheardonce
/ February 21, 2012We as woman have a lot of issues pertaining to sex. We are emotional creatures. It all stems to how we were raised, our relationship with our mothers. My mother failed to give me the foundation to make good decisions about sex and I failed my daughters the same way. I now understand that I craved affection and found it in sex. I am now learning the difference and hope to be around long enough to share this with my granddaughter. I wrote a blog last week that touched on this subject a little. From Virgin to Bitch and all in between.
http://silentlyheardonce.wordpress.com/2012/02/12/from-virgin-to…all-in-between/
Malcolm Miller
/ February 21, 2012Friends can hold hands, and talk, and hug and kiss.
And if they choose, they can join in sex,
Sharing their bodies with the other
In sheer affection and goodwill,
Because it is a loving thing to do.
Affirming love with sex, there is no doubt,
Could not be sweeter, no exploitation here,
Just mutual generosity and delight,
Giving a new dimension to their feelings
For each other; no power things, no desperate needs,
No hidden hates, no urges to possess or own another.
No wish to hurt, no chance of any selfish abdication
Or abandonment for momentary satisfaction,
Just love expressed as sensuality and deep affection.
trjensen
/ February 21, 2012Amen!
Jueseppi B.
/ February 21, 2012Casual sex is a very interesting subject. Some say sex is too personal to be casual. I am not a judge of whats right for other people, but I treat love in a higher standard than I do sex. Sex & love making are two separate and very different things. Sex is what one has with someone who ignites an animal passion in your loins, and love is not a present component of that desire. Love making combines the animal attraction along with the emotion of love.
Seeing as how I do not fall in love often, but I do most definitely require sexual stimulation and satisfaction…I do love my casual sex. Casual sex is nothing more than a joyous experience you share with people you like enough to get naked with, or stay dressed, your choice, while waiting on the one you give your love to, to come along.
Casual sex is a needed part of life for me, for many reasons. Love making, is something I save for the woman who deserves my love.
Just my thoughts on casual sex for ME.
trjensen
/ February 21, 2012I agree with you. I used it as tool but I also learned it is not something to be ashamed of. It can be a very good thing.
Jueseppi B.
/ February 21, 2012It is a very good, & necessary thing, especially if you happen to be highly sexual.
EasternBlockLox
/ February 29, 2012Wow it’s like you were writing about me!!! Along with many many women
Loved it!
trjensen
/ February 29, 2012Thank you so much. Glad you liked it.
Megan Mitchell
/ March 3, 2012Thank you for this post! You’re right. Likewise, I was raised to believe sex was reserved for the person you were meant to be with forever. After 18 years of abstinence, I fell in love with my best friend. We were great together as young lovers, but as adults we couldn’t be more wrong for each other.
Weconstantly
Megan Mitchell
/ March 3, 2012Bickered over finances, how to raise our child, among many other minut things. He cheated, which brought the damage to our relationship to a new caliber. Eventually, I had enough, and called it quits. I put my life on hold in order to have a successful relationship. I’m glad I realized it was better to move on, then to hold onto my devotion to a ignorant notion. I just wanted to say, knowing a person before falling in love, is beneficial for everyone.
trjensen
/ March 3, 2012Yes it is! Absolutely agree with you.
Malcolm Miller
/ March 3, 2012Don’t marry anyone who hasn’t proved to be a good friend first!
Megan Mitchell
/ March 3, 2012I didn’t marry him. I was committed for seven years to my best friend. Whenever I became pregnant with my so called best friend, his true identity arrived.
The dating game is a different battlefield these days. The rules of courting have changed. Woman and men have to adapt or risk falling in love with a fake personality. ninety percent of the guys who are interested in dating me, change their personality or personal beliefs, in order to sleep with or date me.
Malcolm MillerMalcolm Miller
/ March 3, 2012I never played ‘the dating game’. I’m horrified by your cynicism about men’s deceptions. It shows how desperate men can be for sex. Committment is something else. How can it change overnight, or because of a pregnancy? As for ‘whenever’ you ‘became pregnant’ it sounds like repetition of the same mistake, otherwise known as stupidity. But I know some men are dead scared of committment. Their genes tell them to reproduce by impregnating women, and they’ll do that, but to actually care for a woman is something else. They believe that women have to look after men. Their silly mothers taught them that!
trjensen
/ March 3, 2012Agreed! Some men have archaic perceptions of female roles. I typically run from those ones.
trjensen
/ March 3, 2012It surely happens. That is why I try to seperate sex from the rest of it.
CELoveTalk
/ March 9, 2012I completely understand where you are coming from and I realized casuals sex or “D” as I refer to it has caused a lot of unnecessary drama in my life
I was always under the impression that If a guy liked me, i liked him, and we did it that it would strengthen our bond. But I realized that guys are great actors and they only liked me until they got what they wanted. Wahhh. So I’ve decided to try and hold out for a guy who wants more than sex. But its a lot harder to find then I thought!
trjensen
/ March 9, 2012It is hard to know what a man is really looking for. Your best bet is to be honest about what you want. Explain why sex isn’t just going to happen. If you are honest about wanting something more significant then a decent guy will be patient. If he is pushing for the physical stuff or trying manipulate you then you need to be honest with yourself. A man who can’t seem to wait or is saying whatever just to get laid is clearly not in relationship mode.
I am not saying I am perfect. I have fucked up plenty. I just know now that sex doesn’t really mean much when you are trying to secure a relationship.
Malcolm Miller
/ March 9, 2012Commitment is not easy to find, and if you do find it, will you want to hang on to it? I have been committed to a woman I love for more than a decade, but have never had sex with her because she doesn’t want to. She has no other lover. My committment has been tested to destruction, but is still intact. Does this make me some kind of loser?
livinginfairyland
/ March 11, 2012I really liked the thoughtfulness of your approach. I don’t see anything wrong with casual sex in general, and yeah, I can see it could be liberating from that emotional see-sawing that goes with getting attached too soon. I’m like the other women here, I find it hard to have casual sex cause I feel my body is essential ‘me’ and you need to be fairly special to access it. In my life I’ve let so many men in because THEY wanted to, now I’m getting exclusive.
russell5087
/ March 12, 2012Thank you for liking my post “Wilde, Lilith, Rossetti, and Strauss” There are some other posts on my blog I think you would probably like as well. You have a nice site as well, I am a strong believer in the healing power of sex, and casual sex if handled properly can be a wonderful thing.
trjensen
/ March 13, 2012I’ll be sure to check them out!
chocolatelady555
/ September 28, 2012Word.
Malcolm Miller
/ September 28, 2012Look, I’m 83 , so my opinions may not be worth much. In the 40s when I might have dated, dating just wasn’t possible. So I’ve never ‘dated’. But of course I’ve has sex, married twice, five kids, etc. Casual sex I have never done – much too shy at first, and then much too committed to my wives. I have rarely had sex with a woman I didn’t love for a very long time, though I’ve had long-term lovers. I can’t cope with deception and clandestine relationships. Casual sex is something that I’ve hardly ever had even an opportunity for, and the one or two times it was offered it was a failure as far as I’m concerned. I fear that I value love far more than sex.
trjensen
/ September 28, 2012I value love more than sex as well. But sometimes I do enjoy just sex. For me sex and love were tied together and that was hurting me. My idea of what sex meant was not how things work. I needed to be able to seperate the two and I value both more but know one doesn’t necessarily lead to the other.
Malcolm Miller
/ September 28, 2012I’ve mentioned this blog on mine this morning. Thanks for the response. Love and sex are still things I’m exploring and trying to understand, although many would say it’s far too late to even try! Of course we’re made to enjoy sex, though too many do not.
Melbourne Tantrika
/ October 2, 2012Although I’ve had a casual fling in the past, I’m a big advocate of sharing an emotional, if not spiritual, connection with our lovers. That being said, your argument is well reasoned and makes perfect sense to me – if I wasn’t on the Tantric path I’d probably be inclined to try a similar experiment myself
kinghenry2007
/ October 2, 2012this post is refreshing to say the least. At the wrath of being slain by men, i think we been getting away with a lot of casual sex over the decades lol. It would be very refreshing to meet a woman who knows that all she wants is just sex and nothing more, without being shy about.
I remember Chris Rock/Katt Williams spoke about at one of his shows, like imagine a woman would walk to a dude and go,”usually i dont do this but would you like some p***” lol, funny or wierd as it might sound.. that is just a woman who wants casual sex and not afraid to let a guy know.
Danielle Nicholson Boudaghians
/ October 9, 2012I love this post! It is so spot on to where I am in life right now. Having suffered a pretty serious breakup a couple of years ago (I swear he was the one!), I turned to try and develop a similar relationship with other men. I kept finding myself disappointed or depressed after the relationship went from excitement about each other (it’s love!), to sex (it’s love?), to nothing (I thought it was love..?!). And they looked at me weird for being so hurt…
Maybe I was getting too emotionally involved too soon?
I’m in a casual relationship now- it started on New Years Eve at a party. He was my New Years Kiss, and my New Years One Night Stand ;-p. I had great feelings from the night, and tried to initiate a dating opportunity that month. I got politely sidelined. He wasn’t interested. Months later– it’s August, we connect on facebook. And he is suddenly all about me. I knew the beast I was working with now, though.
So it has developed as such: We go out maybe once a week, or once every two weeks. We go grab a couple of drinks together, we talk, we laugh– we’re getting to know each other- and then we go home to his, have an epic round in the sac (a la NYE)– and then I go home. My rule too, is not to sleep over the night of. What is it about those extra few hours spent in the guy’s bed that have you waking up the next morning, feeling a little emotionally attached?
Last Thursday, I broke the rule– I slept over. And there was cuddling. (gah!) I thought I’d be suffering a bit more this week, but I’m reminding myself that the whole point of dating, or even sleeping with someone, is to figure out if you can live a life together- not to try to force something that might not be there.
I feel like the relationship is testing me at a new level now. Can I maintain a sense of detachment and self-efficacy in the face of that desire for emotional “romantic” attachment? Can I make little adjustments now, that will lead to a more personal, less casual, relationship? Is that something he’d be open to?
I’m doing okay. We might go out again this week, it might be two weeks, it might be three or maybe I’ll never see him again– but I’m feeling good about myself. I’m feeling pretty. And feeling like I can compose myself more effectively when it comes to romantic and sexual relationships with men.
Thanks for stopping by my blog- it’s not much about the sex at the end of the night (and there often is!), but the same emotional currents are running through my dates, as seem to be running through yours!
D
Everlovesting.com
trjensen
/ October 9, 2012What is it about those extra few hours spent in the guy’s bed that have you waking up the next morning, feeling a little emotionally attached? It this time you spend cuddling and just being close to each other in a capacity that challenges the “this is casual” ideology.
If you want more or are starting to feel more for him say something because your relationship doesn’t seem very casual. If you don’t tell him how you feel and you aren’t sure what you are doing anymore then for better or worse you have to talk to him. It is better to know now and potentially having to stop seeing him than wait and hope he feels the same way. The longer you wait, the worse it will hurt if your feelings aren’t reciprocated.
http://narcissistsblog.com/2012/10/08/relationships-that-arent-wait-im-his-fuck-buddy/
Malcolm Miller
/ October 9, 2012A couple of sad stories of I-thought-it-was-the-one-but-it-wasn’t! What would I know? I am only 83 and have had two wives, two divorces, several mistresses, and still have lovers. What I say is, stop thinking of nothing but fucking and start trying to COMMUNICATE using words if you want to find somebody you would want to live with for many years!
trjensen
/ October 9, 2012Regardless of the nature of my relationship, the one thing I can never be acussed of is not communicating. I am always very open in any relationship. As of this moment, I am dealing with the demise of a relationship with a man, I loved and dated for a year. I wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of my years with him. And as I have said in more recent posts, months and months of them, discussing my desire for a stable, committed relationship.
When I have casual sex it was during periods in my life when I had no desire to be in a relationship. It was an exercise in controlling my emotions and had nothing to do with my expectations of men. I had no desire to be in a relationship. I do, however, love casual sex and I think that more people (women) should be open to the idea of having sex just for physical pleasure of the act. It can be very freeing and very enlightening.
Malcolm Miller
/ October 9, 2012I can tell you it’s very difficult to find women who are open to the idea of having sex just for the physical pleasure of the act! I don’t think I’ve ever found one…
trjensen
/ October 9, 2012I’ve done it plenty. If you peruse the comment section on any of my posts on casual sex and you’ll find several more. I have been through periods in my life, when I have abstained (for thirteen years) and periods were I wanted to have sex but was in no way prepared or emotionally capable of being open to anyone.
Like I said though, now I am hurting but that has nothing to do with sex. And when I am not so hurt, I may start dating but it may take a while. If I want to have sex before that I will because I simply need a release or want to feel good. And I assure the only thing that prevents many women from just enjoying sex is years of societal conditioning.
celticwriter2012
/ October 13, 2012thanks for viewing my blog Nothing Black But A Cadillac. My next upload onto Amazon will be a nouvella THE LAZARUS GIRL, that is all about love and has nothing to do with sex. Yang and Yin. regards, Raymond
Matthew Chiglinsky
/ October 14, 2012Casual sex is irrational and unnatural, like eating a meal and then forcing yourself to vomit it up afterwards. Sex without babies is the denial of a biological process.
Emotion is also part of sex. That’s natural. That’s what builds families in order to raise children.
Modern society is fucked in the head, aimless, without purpose. We’re all doomed.
trjensen
/ October 14, 2012Oh the optimism! I don’t want to have a baby. I raised mine and I think sex in general is natural regardless of the adjective. Pro-creation is optional.
Malcolm Miller
/ October 14, 2012Optional, yes.
Matthew Chiglinsky
/ October 14, 2012This post really disgusts me. It’s like your saying being a criminal taught you to be good. Being good in the first place is supposed to be the goal.
I never needed to try cocaine in order to avoid become a drug addict. I’ve always known that drugs are a bad idea.
I’ve always known that casual sex is a bad idea, and I know it even more now that I’m older. The evangelical Christians had it right (and I’m an atheist).
Matthew Chiglinsky
/ October 14, 2012I mean, we live in an evil world, and it’s like you’re saying that instead of learning to fight the evil you learned to be part of the evil. Jesus Christ. I mean, really, Jesus Christ. I wish Jesus Christ was here right now.
trjensen
/ October 14, 2012Oh boy! You went from wanting to visit brothels to Jesus really quickly so I am not really sure how to interpret your comments.
Malcolm Miller
/ October 14, 2012There’s no shortage of human children in the world I live in! And you’ll be telling me next that my penis is for pissing and making babies– that would be a very childish explanation! It has given me a great deal of pleasure in lovemaking with a number of women whom I still love.
trjensen
/ October 14, 2012I have to say that I agree with you. LOL!
Malcolm Miller
/ October 14, 2012If someone like JChrist (not an actual name but a word meaning messiah) was here today, they would very soon kill him you may be sure, especially if gave us all that nonsense about a god and other primitive superstition that goes to make religion.
Tiarna
/ October 24, 2012Awesome and I loved it!!!
trjensen
/ October 24, 2012I am glad you enjoyed.
reocochran
/ November 19, 2012I am astounded at the range of replies on this subject! I may have to bring it up with the older folks in my blog. I have some definite opinions but did think that you are entitled to enjoy whatever you want to. Two consenting adults have the right to have fun with no repercussions! I wish that I had been more free and all during the hippie seventies when it was acceptable!! Smile!
trjensen
/ November 19, 2012I feel fortunate for every experience and I have so much perspective. Do I still get hurt? Yes but not because I am confused about sex. Thank you for stopping by. I hope you’ll come back again soon.
successfulonlinedatingblog
/ February 12, 2013Quite the confusing thing isn’t casual sex?
trjensen
/ February 14, 2013Not really… If you aren’t bullshitting yourself about what is happening it is pretty simple.
ser siyid
/ February 22, 2013Good
Nancy
/ March 30, 2013Wasn’t there a book cover with this picture on it? I couldn’t sworn I saw this picture before.
Hannah Grace
/ May 16, 2013Kissing like that is bad and it’s a sin!!!! Specially not married!!!!
trjensen
/ October 18, 2012Thanks for the share!
trjensen
/ November 4, 2012Thanks for the share woman!