The other day I was sitting on a friend’s couch watching a movie and he asked me why I hadn’t been writing. I have been in my own little bubble a lot lately. People are constantly inquiring what has happened to me. “I am being lazy.” “I have been sick.” “I have been doing other things.” These are my standard responses and all are true but the real reason I haven’t been writing as much or at least updating my blog is that I am happy. I have been pretty content lately and that frightens me.
I don’t get to be content. I am a fretter and a dweller so I am always, even on my most optimistic days, waiting for the bottom to drop out. I just can’t seem to fully let my guard down. I still can’t relax. I don’t find myself in those moments very often. It does happen for fleeting moments occasionally and always in the company of the same person but something causes it to pass almost the very second I realize it has happened, that I am Zen, at peace with my place in the world.
I have written, on a number of occasions, about wanting a relationship and wanting to just be able to relax fully around one person and not worry or doubt that I am wanted there. They seem like simple things to want but seem impossible, at least for now, to obtain. I love the moments when I can relax but they are still fleeting. I suppose I appreciate them more because they are. In all of my self-reflection and growth is to appreciate the little things and enjoy simplicity.
I am happy. I am in a good place but I am still searching for that place inside me where I can just relax and the world can fall away. I hope everyone gets that. I think everyone deserves it. For me, it was I strive for, every day. I just want to find the place where I am not only content but truly, completely satisfied with what is happening in my life.