It is amazing, even to me, how fragile my ego is. I am sad. I am sad because of a guy… again. For the first time since the fiasco late last year I genuinely wanted to like someone. Turns out wanting to like someone and wanting someone to like you hurt just about equally but at least it has me writing. I’ll be okay. I always am even when I don’t feel like I am going to be. I think sometimes I just want to stay in this state of hurt and shattered ego so I am okay with being alone.
I guess my biggest issue is I really don’t understand what I am doing wrong. I know that I am mis-stepping somewhere. I am just not sure where or when that is happening. I am not afraid to ask what it is that has changed. It isn’t because I hate myself or because I want to feel sorry for myself. I really want to understand what is happening. I am still making it difficult for men to see a future with me and I want to understand why that is.
I ask and get no answers. And I am then left replaying what has transpired and trying to figure out what still needs to change in my behavior. I want to be able to function in a relationship and not feel like I need to second guess myself. I really felt like I had reached that place but apparently I haven’t, the place where I can relax and just enjoy someone’s company. I guess it is acceptance that I am struggling with. But that is something I guess I have always had trouble with.
Rejection is hard regardless of gender or the stage you are getting to know someone. Wanting to connect with someone is amazing and rare in my experience. I still need to work on some things I guess. It would be easier if I understood what they were.