I like and dislike casual dating. I like it because I don’t feel the pressure of trying to impress anyone. I am less inclined to do this lately because I am pretty impressive. What I don’t like about casual dating is the juggling. Juggling men makes me feel nervous, although I am honest and upfront about my situation I just don’t like the idea of saying or doing something that can be misperceived. I never want to be hurtful or deceitful, as I have been on the receiving end of those situations far too many times and never want to intentionally mistreat someone who wants to share time with me.
I like that I can be more open and feel fewer repercussions when being open. Being honest is what I enjoy most about casual dating. I can say what I think, be more honest about what I need and not really have to look for acceptance if we are not in agreement. I am slowly trying to work that into situations where I see more of a future. I know now I can say something, if I want more, much sooner than I have in the past or simply distance myself from the situation before I suffer the wounds of long term pining and significant anguish.
I still don’t like rejection but I feel far better equipped to deal with it now. I still feel really exposed at some points but I am more relaxed than I have been in ages. I am content. Contentment is beautiful. I am happy with my place in the world once again and I feel like I am in full control of my future. I get to decide how things end up. I get more control over the direction things are going and I couldn’t be more thrilled about that.
I feel like I am more ready to open up. I want to share more of myself and I am in place where I feel like I can do those things without losing myself completely. I may still get dizzy but I will not fall. I still want someone to lean on but I will stay grounded. I will never give someone else sole credit for my happiness because I know now that I can make myself truly happy.
I am finally ready to move forward and I am so fucking excited!