By the time I had turned sixteen, I had still never tongue kissed a boy. I had an ailing mother who required a lot of my attention and didn’t afford me a lot of opportunities for socializing with my peers. I was also afraid of boys. I hadn’t really interacted with many guys outside of school. I liked boys I was just never spent time with many in a non-school setting.
When my best friend Briana invited me to spend the night at her house, which was in an even smaller community just outside the town I lived in, I begged my mother to let me go. What I didn’t tell my mother was that I would be going to a party at the dunes and there would most definitely be boys there. When she agreed I was ecstatic. I had only been to Briana’s house one other time and it was the first time I had ever been to a typical teenage party.
When my mother dropped me off at Bri’s house I was told that we would be going to the dunes when it got dark. We all began getting ready, which for me meant watching the other girls put on makeup and talk about who they planned on making out with. I sat and watched as they got ready to go, each girl suggesting some boy that they would pair me up with. Most of these girls had had lots of boyfriends and many had had sex. I had never even really kissed a boy and I felt inadequate. I didn’t really know any of the boys who lived near Briana and hadn’t come out to do anything other than get drunk with my friend. When the sun set we all piled into cars and headed to the dunes.
When we arrived there were already lots of people there. I didn’t know anyone other than Briana and the girls she had introduced me to at the house. Bri went and found us some beers and we sat at the top of one of the soft sand hills and watched the kids below laughing and socializing. After a few beers we were both pretty buzzed. “Do you want me to introduce you to guys?” Briana asked. I shrugged and blushed. Briana smirked at me and said, “Come on. I want to introduce you to people.” She pulled me to my feet and we headed down the hill to rejoin the group.
She introduced me to her friends and a few guys she thought were attractive. Due largely to my beer buzz I was feeling a little less introvert and began to socialize. I talked to a few guys and then began talking to one I thought was really cute. His name was Brian.1 He was tall with bleached blond hair, dark eyes and an olive complexion. We talked for a while when Briana informed me if we wanted more beer we would have to go back to the house to drink. Everyone at the party was out of alcohol or was no longer willing to share.
I was disappointed because I was actually comfortable talking to this boy and I had sneaking suspicion he liked me. I looked at Bri and made my best puppy-dog face. Briana rolled her eyes and asked Brian if was coming with us. He said that he was. On the ride back I began getting nervous. I wonder what would happen now. The house Briana lived in lacked supervision. The girls who stayed there really did whatever they wanted with whomever they wanted and I had no clue what I planned to do. About twenty kids went back to Bri’s house. Beer was retrieved from the refrigerator and the party commenced. Brian and I were both handed another beer and we sat on the sofa in Briana’s room.
As we sat and drank we both became more comfortable. Brian put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me closer to him. After a while of looking at each other and blushing I excused myself to the bathroom. I was annoyed that he hadn’t kissed me and was beginning to wonder if he was interested. I stared at myself in the mirror trying to determine what might be wrong. Increasingly more frustrated I stepped out of the bathroom and walked right into Brian. We both laughed for a moment. I became acutely aware of the fact that my body was touching his and tried to take a step back. He took my arms and held me up against him. He leaned down and pressed his lips against mine. My arms slide around his waist. He slowly opened his mouth and stuck his entire tongue in my mouth, nearly shoving mine down my throat. As his entire tongue searched the interior of my mouth I became aware that there was drool running down the corner of my mouth.
I pulled away from him and wiped my face. He leaned down and kissed me again and it was no better than his first attempt. After a moment I pulled away again and wiped my face off again. Tongue kissing is gross, I thought to myself. I thought Brian was cute and part of me wanted to keep kissing him but it was just so disgusting and invasive. It was nothing like I had imagined or what I had read about in all of my angst-y teen novels and magazines. Having no basis for comparison I assumed that this was how you were supposed to kiss so we kept kissing for the bulk of the evening and I kept taking breaks to wipe off the lower half of my face.
After that night Brian and I never made out again. I went forward into new make out sessions thinking that I was supposed to cram as much of my tongue into boys’ mouths as humanly possible and slobbering all over them for good measure. Eventually I dated a boy who asked me to stop trying to choke him with my tongue and showed me how to kiss. But for almost a year I was probably the worst kisser on the planet.
Thanks Brian. Thanks a lot!
1 My first kiss and my first tongue kiss were with two different Brian’s. AND… the first two guys I slept with were both named Mike.