So… tomorrow is my birthday and the closer it gets, the older 38 feels to me. And for the record, if you are reading this and think 38 is old… Go fuck yourself. You don’t get an opinion. This is about me and I get to decide whether or not I am old. If you are thinking 38 is young however feel free to leave as many flattering comments as you like.
I don’t think living on the planet for thirty eight years is what makes me feel old. I think being 38, single and developing an increasingly cynical attitude toward everything is making me feel old. I do, in fact, feel too old for this shit. I have no relationship, no personal space and no clue (in the grander scheme of things) what the fuck I want. Feeling like I have skipped too many milestones makes me feel old. Having a 19 year old crashing on my couch and sleeping until 2:00 p.m. everyday makes me feel old.
Emotionally I am both more mature and less mature than I should be. My world view is slowly changing. I find myself feeling less inclined make excuses for others and often find it harder to see the good in someone who has hurt me. I am less patient (and that is hard to imagine.)
I do feel like I have learned a lot about people and about myself this year. I was reminded that people do what is best for them. This can be a painful lesson and the more times you have to learn it the harder it becomes. I have learned that wanting someone to be the person you see doesn’t make them that person. People are who they are and look out for themselves first. I am learning to do that too.
I am fortunate to have the people in my life that I do. My little universe is almost perfectly balanced. My true family all seated at the table. I have experienced a lot of love and support this past year and that is really the most valuable lesson of all. All the time I spent wanting one person to love me; I hardly saw all those that did. I know things happen when they are supposed to and I am so grateful for everyone who helped keep me up as I stumbled bruised and broken through that very tough lesson. They gave me the patience I couldn’t give myself.
While it seems, at times, like I have learned a lifetime worth of lessons over this past year, it doesn’t make me old. I am just more experienced. I am still just growing up, still learning all the little nuances of my relationships in this world and luckily I have some pretty amazing teachers. So I am not getting old just getting better.
I’ll be old when I am 45. (According to my son)